know that i do
me

horrible
 

its just blows

so badly

blows


me

it's come to a head
 

i look and look
and see and know
and gave just to give

someone not so long ago said
something like this

how can my family (children) not see the added pain
inflicted
no matter which one of my kids it be
speaking with my shrink about the last inconsiderate
words chosen by my daughter
said to me
this will be her LAST of
"Skyline Sessions"
a venue of my apartment for her gig
it was a idea i suggested
having a one month session featuring random
artist (poetry) this month featured Megan Falley
because of a simple question
that i believe
had nothing to do with me
to have maybe sweep or dry mop the
floor stepping on rock salt
not a good thing
i awoke to unexpected dried leftover
cheese fondue
spoons and all
and i nicely told her

OH MY GOD!
ALL HELL ROSE

LUCKILY
i had just spoken about it
with my shrink
this morning
the child i am inspired by
also hurt me in a way i never imagined possible
we aren't the same
this is true
i like it real
disappointed
me

Aw Heck and Gone Again
 

I am so sorry to read you have been hurt still again.

So sorry. :hug:

Big HUGZ to you,
M56 :hug:

dear friend

its the end

we over spoke each other

and as she said

"DONE"

me

how do i stop
and do as they do
and not give a turd
please
someone teach me
get hard and get over it
it's to draining
me

hi mr. lonely

yup
izzzzzzzzzzz concur
and although my status sucks lemons
when i get ****** off enough
i get the job at hand done
something that would take five minutes before i got ill
now might take twenty minutes or a half hour
and at these times i at my worst in all important
might i ask how old are you
ever married
i too wonder if ill be alone when this cookies time comes
wishing you a better way of thinking about such things
it sucks
life isn't fair
however Jesus Christ i ask to carry me
carry my family
the little precious baby
the baby
it will be amazing
a new fresh beginning
keep the Faith
will pray
Amen

Dave on my mind throughout the day
 

Dear friend

you have managed to sum it up with two letters

somewhere yesterday

somewhere on the forum

in caps

the word

"DO"

the inability to just do
know your word with a few other
writers
the sermon ended with
you may have been hurt by your
parents
loved onessssssss
friends
church
my illnesses
my childhood
i want to have and live with
no more excuses
not to wait and get angry only to hurt myself even more

it is all about not being able to just

do

you take care
i'm not standing at the edge of my cliff
thank you
in Jesus name
me

If I have served some small purpose to anyone here, especially someone as Special as you - Then my life has meaning again.

Dave.

Dave!
 

You bring the best to this place. Giving.

That is what it is about.

Then folks who are hurting feel embraced.

Yes,

M56

You got it
AMEN!

no more room to shove these pains
 

my pain like an endless layer cake
it's reached a height it cannot stand straight
the stuff that comes to my door
and sure i have the choice to turn it off
and i am trying
it is difficult because it is my family
my children
no more room
me

Love
 

As frosting on that layer cake
Covering all of your being
Hope for joy beyond measure
Prayer that you be buoyed up as on a mighty ocean swell
That you be lifted on eagle's wings
And
Sing

Hugging you,
M56 :hug: :grouphug:

Falling deeper
 

Know now I have lived a life of circumstances
and it sucks
I have no one else to blame but myself
I made the choice not to let anyone come inbetween
me or my children
The children I fell in love with each and everyone
And now as I had gotten ill it has put my life in a black hole
No laughter no fun no love no happiness no future no desire
no family of who I can trust my own children steal from their
mother I cannot swallow
And all for what
All of it
For what
I have no one to share or lean on
No one will want me in this state
I can't even stand myself anymore
All take forever to do anything
That I don't even want to bother anymore
I want to be left alone and just go away
None of my pains arose without reason
None of my sadness is of my wanting
I want not to feel
I am tired of crying every single day
I am so frightened
And so angry over so many things out of my control
And can't find any room to shove it all
It is to overwhelming
While life goes on
Me

Caring
 

We are out here
We who care
And giving hugs
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

adding prayers
 

Amen Pooh
i'm also tired of the apologies
especially getting ill
it is here where i can get
my answers
Amen
you take care of you
love
me

And
 

More and more :hug::grouphug::hug::grouphug::hug::grouphug::hug: :grouphug::hug:

And it's normal to come home high
 

This from my child
Has and is comfortable feeling
like that and I have to keep my
Grandchild away from her
This I cannot allow and have to
explain to my grandbaby a story
Like she's tired and needs sleep
Oh Father
Why
What more
Will there be a new life
A new what
I don't know
The family line will die out
Like a candle lit and it just dies out
It's to painful to watch
What the *u k
What is this that I am doing
Me

Oh Eva,

That is inexcusable and unacceptable. I think I would have been far less tolerant. To behave like that in front of your child?!

What you are doing is fighting your pains and illnesses with dignity while trying to hold together a Family. You are fighting these fights as best you can, and with His Will you can prevail.

Through everything, we are here for you.

Dave.

Pain/Heartache
 

I Know the suffering of pain that has filled me with fear. The worst were the nightly screams when laying down to sleep at night. Fusion/laminectomy almost nine years ago lessened the screams; but too much pain remained

Fear of the amount of pain medication I take daily; don't see any end to it. As my GI doctor told me; as long as you are on narcotic meds; you will be on Miralax; at least twice a day. This was shortly after removal of rectum in 2012 due to cancer. Do not have bag; but going without a vital part of a normal bodily function eventually leads to pain inside as well as outside. Stomach bulge (like a major league ball) appears to be colon/possible hernia. Additional pain of PN pain of legs and burning ankles and feet.

Don't see any end to all of this; but the one thing that I have and pray Eva too will experience is the love and respect I receive from my three adult children. As much as my body is, at times ready to give up, I know love.

My son gave a toast on Mother's Day which included how as parents we make mistakes; but we don't come into this world with an instruction booklet; we do the best we can. He spoke of the values instilled in them succeeded with them becoming who the are today. (Honest, truth worthy, kind Christian adults). I only wish I could pass this message on to Eva's children. While my body is filled with pain; my heart aches for Eva.


Gerry

Gerry,

You always offer so much despite your excruciating pain and other problems. It raises my heart to hear that your children are so supportive, as it is lowered by Eva's travails - my two daughters are Polar opposites. We all have our struggles and wish only the best for our Loved Ones.

So keep drawing comfort from your family, in giving you strength they, themselves are indirectly helping those you help here.

Be a proud Mother.

Dave.

Dave/Eva
 

I too know what it is like to have a child that suffered from cocaine addiction. She has been clean for many years.

At present, my middle child (daughter) is working with others dealing with addiction. She has taken courses and is certified. She has even gone to visit the prison for a few of the younger addicts. She especially works with the parents.

Eva,
Keep praying. Don't feel your life, as far as your children are concerned, is over. As I had mentioned in a previous post. We don't see the whole picture. Eventually, we will.


Gerry

My dear friend

I know you know I know
Thank you for being understanding
I ask my shrink again
What is it with me
And his answer is
You have been through much in life
And I think to myself
Tell me something I don't know
Love
Me

…And he went through 7 years of Training for those Pearls:confused::D

I mean
 

Really
Are you for real
Love
Me

Dear Eva,

My last Psychologist - the one who deliberately triggered a Panic Attack - said, when I was virtually crawling to the door at the end of the session, 'You are an interesting Subject'. As though I were no more than a lab rat. Never went back.

You, with your personality shining through your issues, deserve words of encouragement, a course of action, possible/probable answers.

How about paying him/her? by 'Helpful words spoken'.

Dave

Doctors how absent minded or is it the staff
 

Today I make it to the oncologists office
My three month check up
Last time I was there he was going to give
me a script for my mammo (forgotten)
Got home called them asked for the office
to mail script
That was three months ago
Now I know how I expressed over and over
again about how I HATE going to doctors
I did all I was suppose to do when I was
young mother how very important yearly well
checks was a routine in my family
So I put off the neglect
Said to myself ill have to see obgyn routine
PAP and get my script for mammo
The office cancelled on me doctor in delevery
won't be in office
This happened twice
Still awaiting for a reschedule
Asked Sue who works for George the Doc
for years
So I ask her to kindly send me script for
Sonogram for my removed breasts and
search for any left over Cancer
I have a problem under my arm and it
does not seem to be a issue
So waking in my usual way from pain
Maybe I slept 3 solid hours
will be starting my day with a cup of warm
coffee strong for the headaches everyday
from neck
Took my morning Meds a hour earlier
as ill be moving around early getting ready
So lets see

I left my cardiologist after being with him
since 2003 because I and a different patient were
scheduled for the same day and time
We were there before doors opened
As the assistant further said that the doctor
would not be in
I collected my files
As my doctor sided with the front end
and the woman who made my appointment
no longer worked there
When I found my appointment card I made
a copy attached a letter
And that was that never seen Felix
My first Meds on a daily basis began with him
My blood pressure Meds and my Xanax for I
would spike 200 beats per minute or more
It's my shrink that handles the Xanax
Haven't found a cardiologist I trust or like
Had my necular stress test before second
Posterior cervical distectomy fusion because I failed
to fuse the first time
This is how I found out I had and apical defect of the heart
ask me if I needed to know with all the other crap going on
Anyhow it is suppose to rain
Management in my building may try and give me a hard time
for a parking space does not have to be handicap but to swap
with those in the building of 300units have more than one
Some may have up to three with storage
Very political and curupt this I will fight

I am on the top level
Open to the elements
And in the winter they come
to my door to move it so they could plow
Now of course it needs to be done
But I told them I will apply
it should not be a problem
My copy of handicap lisence and a month verbal
request
With my copy was a written request for

accommodation for a different spot
I will go to the office upon my return
It feels like a stressful day
I know for sure sounds like it



We shall see
Me

Doctors how absent minded or is it the staff
 

Today I make it to the oncologists office
My three month check up
Last time I was there he was going to give
me a script for my mammo (forgotten)
Got home called them asked for the office
to mail script
That was three months ago
Now I know how I expressed over and over
again about how I HATE going to doctors
I did all I was suppose to do when I was
young mother how very important yearly well
checks was a routine in my family
So I put off the neglect
Said to myself ill have to see obgyn routine
PAP and get my script for mammo
The office cancelled on me doctor in delevery
won't be in office
Asked Sue who works for George the Doc
for years
So I ask her to kindly send me script for
Sonogram for my removed breasts and
search for any left over Cancer
I have a problem under my arm and it
does not seem to be a issue
So waking in my usual way from pain
Maybe I slept 3 solid hours
will be starting my day with a cup of warm
coffee strong for the headaches everyday
from neck
Took my morning Meds a hour earlier
as ill be moving around early getting ready
So lets see

I left my cardiologist after being with him
since 2003 because I and a different patient were
scheduled for the same day and time
We were there before doors opened
As the assistant further said that the doctor
would not be in
I collected my files
As my doctor sided with the front end
and the woman who made my appointment
no longer worked there
When I found my appointment card I made
a copy attached a letter
And that was that never seen Felix
My first Meds on a daily basis began with him
My blood pressure Meds and my Xanax for I
would spike 200 beats per minute or more
It's my shrink that handles the Xanax
Haven't found a cardiologist I trust or like
Had my necular stress test before second
Posterior cervical distectomy fusion because I failed
to fuse the first time
This is how I found out I had and apical defect of the heart
ask me if I needed to know with all the other crap going on
Anyhow it is suppose to rain
Management in my building may try and give me a hard time
for a parking space does not have to be handicap but to swap
with those in the building of 300units have more than one
Some may have up to three with storage
Very political and curupt this I will fight

I am on the top level
Open to the elements
And in the winter they come
to my door to move it so they could plow
Now of course it needs to be done
But I told them I will apply
it should not be a problem
My copy of handicap lisence and a month verbal
request
With my copy was a written request for

accommodation for a different spot
I will go to the office upon my return
It feels like a stressful day
I know for sure sounds like it



We shall see
Me

Dear Eva,

That sort of day would put me on my back for weeks, taking megadoses of my meds!

I know, as you do, that these necessary Evils come to try us at times, it is just so unfair that they have all come at once for you.

Try to rest for as long as possible when you have finished this Marathon. I truly feel for you.

Dave.

how quick i was shot down
 

making it to my pain specialist
i explain what happened with
the last DRUG ZONAGRAN
and why i needed to stop it
i called the office when i stopped
went through the withdrawals
he didn't seem to
i don't know interested
concerned
explained what happened with my shrink
and bottom line asked him to dispense my xanax
so i begin to tell him of the research i came across
with what neurologist doctor Kevin Tracey
and how the nervous system might be able to be hacked
a very intriguing study and trials in the works
he cut me off and said he wasn't interested
that there have been studies like what i was explaining
what a thought not to have to take meds
for one thing and hope it works and it not destroy other organs
i so f****** frustrated at my doctors
doctors i have been with since the beginning
i'm sick of it
just sick of it
why strip m of my HOPE
oh maybe because it isn't another drug
NO MORE FREAKING DRUGS
so i won't be happy right at the moment
discouraged
treated as if what i say and physically feel
is not in my head but nothing else
one thing for certain
the drugs are kill me also
make no mistake
how i hate them
my doctor stole my thunder
while he'll be on a two month vacation
jeez i'm so angry
me

Arghhhhh
 

And dang it all to heck anyhow!
It makes this friend angry
Reading how you have
Been Worked Over
By
CAREGIVERS
Hippocrates would just die to read what happens with you!

All I can give are hugs, love, prayers, and HOPE
For
A
Better day today for you, dear friend
:hug::Heart::Heart: .... Having a little icon trouble here, but you
get the idea
:hug::hug::hug::hug:
M56

to the moon stars and back
today we go to the pool
Eva's mom
my daughter will be invited
a day for
mother and child
and i can have a one on one
no phone in the pool
the phone and her obsession
with it is harming her
hindering her
striping her of
a moment when it isn't hooked to her
side or put in her bra
this i pray be good mother and daughter time
as grandchild bonds with mom
in a different pool

it just blows me away
how he stole my thunder

love
me

Dear Eva,

Spitting blood and bile at the way you have been treated, I am so angry on your behalf. This is the treatment I expect from an uncaring, uninvested Neuro, not Doctors who have been with you for the Journey. You deserve much more than this.

I just hope the day at the pool was rejuvinating and uninterrupted by phones.

Dave.

Hoping
 

And HUGGING
Can you feel it?
This one's for you, Eva :hug:
Yeah, flannel shirt and all,
M56

I tried to explode the hug icon size...that doesn't work. Darn

She's driving me nuts
 

Oh dear Father
To hear news I could
possibly please possibly
as news like such should
be celebrated
How oh how irresponsible
is this possible news
And the not so funny thing is
I asked her when was her last menses
as she is hormonally charged
SOMETIMES WHERE I FEAR HER
then she tell me the above
She is two weeks late
with Eva's lazy selfish father
So am I upset
You bet
This would in noway be a healthy
situation
Goodness
I told her to please be responsible
Not to mention what ramifications there
could be for Eva
I just don't get it
I just don't get it
Me

((((( Comforting Hugs, Eva )))))

i'm so angry
 

here i go once again
a phone call from my sister
opens up conversation with me
and asks if either one of my children
have begun restitution
the next thing
i'm asked if she could purchase a
computer for my nephew a college
Rutgers freshman student
i agreed as the arrangement
is it will be paid in two installments
a sister very close to six figures
don't have to explain that
the point
purchase made
laptop delivered
laptop that is now compatible
with what's required
for school

i then see on my eldest and hubby
painting their beautiful apartment
a beautiful place
french doors hardwood floors
everybody happy
now i DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR FACEBOOK
it was brought to my attention
that i found out the finally have their own place after
staying with her mother-in-law
for over two years

i am furious my sister needed my password
to download the program for the laptop
i told her
Saraeve was the one to set up the account
i didn't have it
she skipped out on a bill almost two and a half grand
after her last Christmas purchase
remember estranged and stiffed
because
in February i ask how or why did she leave
the mess she left after her "Skyline session"
and how the damage to the floor was enough
they
her and her husband were the last to leave
why did i become the bad guy in this all
AGAIN
how much more could i have done
i offered her my apartment to have her
poetry featuring a poet each month
what the fudge
are you kidding
her and hubby
capable of painting
and where did i get the help
STILL needed
more now then ever
how is it that a child
i mean
a child of mine
cannot see
and they can't
as it is not visible to the eye
my job GONE FOREVER
my insurance GONE FOREVER
my benefits for life
after fifteen years OF service
PUT IN SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS
IN ALREADY
GONE FOREVER
oh i'm so angry
and a sister who is the same as we were kids
only we are adults now
i of all have the least in financial trouble
ALWAYS in excellent standing with my
plastic cards
just cut up the JCPenny card
PAID OFF my sons couch
and am slowly paying what's left
i can no longer make double payments
they let a quarter of a million dollar life
insurance laps in payment
asked them to never let the payments to laps
and if i should ever need any help
to do so
a quarterly charge of $156.00 divided in three
really
TERMINATED after 18 years of putting into it
so there could be something left for them
WHY
WHY
Why hurt the one who has had
her back even now
i was open at what i thought was not a nice
thing to leave for her sister to take care of
who she knows is lazier then her
when it comes to clean up
never in my life
i am struggling
am asked for help again
and my daughter wouldn't now give
my sister the pass word
really
really
now that has successfully been changed
i'm so upset
me

another day on a somber day
 

i have been push and pulled
twirled and blown away
with such hatred among this family
there is only so much that this body and soul
the hurt so deep
the wound never gets heal
to feel as i do
and then my grown children who dodge
their responsibility
made a mistake did i ?
they are my children
they asked for help
i did what any parent would
only they are no longer children
to see my eldest able and her husband able
where was the help when needed
it is not a good feeling to have given so much
of me they don't understand my anger towards them
i cannot express anymore then i tried
and tried and tried
am i
should i look disheveled
must i smell of urine
as many cannot bath
i think point understood
as i rarely get to bath
as in sit in the tub
i wouldn't be able to get out
unless
i was sitting on my legs
and my pain won't let me sit
in that position
a position i would be in with children
remembering wrapping the presents
to put around the Christmas tree
how hard i worked to give them somewhat
of a fun life growing
as my kids would now say to me
"mom we never really understood how poor
we were"
i take that
as a job well done
what a shame
many would just assume we had money
but for the only reason

just a blow out wth my sister
be back
me

.....well that was just wonderful
turned out it was one thing on top of another
on top of another and let loose quickly
before she doesn't move
as far as my kids and returning what was mine
for my sister who has been a real turd
even when placing the order
a saving of $62.00 and commented
stuff like
what a big deal
i asked her to shut up
then apologized
for what i thought was rude
really
i'm tired
thanks for letting me share
me

in the end
 

when all is said and done
at the end
i am alone
to reflect
on the day just gone by
i found myself in thought
just a couple of days ago

it was the 90's
things were at a major
turning point in my life
i entered a fellowship
that is still in my life
not how it was in the good old days
situations would keep me from going
nevertheless
and much else followed
only for the better
anyone in a recovery program
understands what i mean
when i say
i am blessed and would not have it
any other way
for it is what i was taught
and applied where applicable
"it works when you work it"

it is out of a deep dark place
i realized
there is a easier softer way
i didn't need a drink to calm down
it was a new way of doing and handling
most all situations
now had a new positive flavor
real stuff
real awesome stuff

so,
having control of myself
myself only
i exercise my voice
and
make no mistake
make absolute certain
i am heard
so therefore
there are no mistakes
where i am coming from

they no where i stand
my entire family that is

i will not ever again
extend myself again
as the pain is that great

i am who i am
i learning slowly
that things have changed
and a turn for the worse
it is the three of us now
three generations
have a new understanding
actually three tries
anyone understand
an appreciation
and understanding
i can understand the type of cries
my children might exhibit
frustration
is not even the word to use here

yet in the end if i or Corissa or Eva
ever to be a thought
is yet to be had
is this what family is about today
lets see what i can take
and abandon ship
as the burden is a result of
financial hardship

it is frightening to say the least
in God i trust
my fear is real
to not take a person that offered to take care of my children and make my life easier was available several times in my life being single
a conscious decision made at the age of twenty four
and again after my seventeen year old

and yet again
after all that was said and done
was done

now sick
maimed as my
breast reconstruction was botch
talked about enough times
and surely
as i express to my shrink
what are the chances of ever having a real
honest possibility is slim

not to make the mistake
the recent friend i mention
someone i went to grammar school with
is someone i can spend that kind of time with
if desired on my part
he was the last i was with before the surgery
he for some odd reason called after to see how i was

this is someone i cannot have the kind of companionship
with as he is divorced and we had such fun whenever together
two or three times a year
and it is like this as what he has to offer is temporary
yet genuine honest and adult
he drinks i do not

now a chance
as i was a thaught
is the one i'd love to sit
and eat crab legs with
and talk about old times
in the end
i have a choice

yet i'm not up to it
he said
how it was a great idea

i'm frightened
does anyone understand

love
me

understood or not
the idea that my child's father
behind my back
trying to have a meeting
with the program Corissa has been going to
i have come to find out
a comment made to her
and it went like this
"you know Corissa,
your mother wouldn't drive you to the
program like i do"
furious is just one of the emotions
i have going on along with all the other bull turd
can you imagine
this i do not take lightly
in fact
Corissa knows via her now addicted sister
my daughter
who i took to the ends of the earth and back
to get her the help she needed
and revisited these places for help
no one not even a judge
and i mean that
if i ever were to have been
taken to court with Corissa's
for her non compliance
not going to class
yet she was in school
i would go to jail
to have to explain a life of a child
that the adults ignored my requests
over and over again
as i was a young mother
with a child that was having problems early
academically a A-B STUDENT
when present

i have my own truth to tell
i assure you no one would listen
when i would give the teachers
the list of trial and error with my
Christine
who still suffers addiction

and i would be questioned
on her behavior
i her only parent who gives a turd
who would go to the end of the earth
and back for
Corissa

they must want it
THEY MUST WANT IT
they are getting it
very very slowly
the desire to do well is present

what the fudge does Corissa father think
is going on
to answer that for him
as i can
he knows zip zero not a thing
how do i know this
i am on the phone with the program
on a weekly basis
he told Corissa he couldn't
take her on Mondays anymore
as it interferes with his Monday night football game
he also has a gambling problem
i know him to lie often
i will fight him
as the program is now aware of him
and his intentions
when i had my job
my insurance covered her
program
now with the state insurance
it isn't covered
i'm over trying to figure out that one
what do you mean the state insurance
would not cover recovery
you got it
something really wrong with that thinking process