sick and tired of being...
 

sick and tired

so he sees me

now as he knows my
oncologist

he sees it
and blankin tells me
there is a name for
it you can look it up
and i can look it up
if i want
literally down loads me
pictures

diagnosis
double bubble

and he sees it two years later
granted he hugged me after leaving
but it was not my blankin imagination

double bubble
he says, now
its the same as it was two years
ago
but because another doctor
said something about it
and knows my oncologist
they play racket ball together
just blows my blankin mind
so
he spits out
an explanation sheet
and as he explained all that needs
to be done as he was the
last one to close me up
after all of my surgeries
never again
so now what
i would have liked to have been
acknowledge then not now
because if i let him put me out
i would have them taken out
i control my body
how dare he when i first brought
it to his attention two years ago
calls his partner in
and at the OPEN
doorway says
"look at how great they are"
mortified

anyhoo
told him to say hello
to his wife
as she was the one to initially
take my first call
i did not know this
and told her how what i did
was a hiccup in the road

now tomorrow
dermatologist

Friday pain specialist

so what to do
what to do
i'm not waiting
i need to rule out
my new diagnosis

oh people

it's all about winning
their ego
their sight lost
me
the
patient

taking charge
 

as angry as i am at my children
they all know i cannot do things as i did
and if they don't know me by now
they will never know me
to tell my daughter
do as the judge said
i am doing what i can for my
granddaughter and mother thinks i
should have to do things alone
no no no
she doesn't want to understand this
as my other older children
i just learned from my eldest child
she would let Eva go up for adoption
heaven forbid my children should help
anyway they can
i am mortified utterly mortified
i want to vomit it hurts so badly
my daughter Corissa in a bad way
oh let me kick her to the curb
oh my God
i never knew she felt like that
i am so sad so sad
what do i do with this where do i put this
how do i process this
she just would give her up
just like that never going to happen

never going to happen
i cannot allow anyone to
step on me
i feel so alone in this matter
oh how horrible i feel
let it pass please let it pass
no one no one
alone
Brother carry me
i need to have stability
in one way or the other

i turned to Saraeve for comfort
after mom took a hissy fit
reminding her of the perks she
has received others may look
at is as enabling
this i won't allow
as the moment her mother steps foot
into this home she is to take over 100 and 10%
my granddaughter is helpless too
what does she know
one thing for she knows this as home
a safe place her auntie Corissa will
be here to help pick up some of the pieces
maybe help her understand the responsibility
now that she will be reduced to a GED
this a gifted child in a school for her talents
above her expectancy
until i became ill her father an donkeys butt
made her life even more confusing
and now he sees the real truth
and apologized
it meant nothing
to late
i had to take the bull by the horns
no regrets none i will do this
it is going to be hard
but i will do it
i want to punch something
it hurts so badly
i had no clue
my daughter felt that way
it hit me like a bomb
i blown away
can't say anymore

Oh Eva...I am so sorry
 

What a punch in the gut!!

all along you have been trying to hold it together so they could reunite...had you known you could have done differently!!

Well now you do know...better that you do know the truth....you will get past this.

hanna

love you for that
it hurts so bad
me

Eva....
 

oh man lesson never learned
 

so i take from my cash policy
get all kinds of lip about it
i was asked for the help
give it to my daughter
husband just started getting paid
and forgets what has been owed
separate from that a policy lapsed
always a misunderstanding
and i asked for a note
he and she never had a
note to produce when monies were
given and misunderstanding came
bam screwed again
i have got to learn how to say NO
my own fault
me

why oh why
 

it never ends
every time i think
they get it i get hit
with childish threatening
vulgar nonsense
its going to going to kill
me before anything else
monday was court and
Corissa tries to wake her sister
behaves like a animal as as it
took an hour for her to finally get up
and it was not good
i just told her to shut up
and get ready
Corissa and Eva and i were ready
AND Eva was fed breakfast by ME
told mother my daughter not a word
to me
Judge tells her
grandmother (me) has custody
now i didn't forget about how she
treated me and my home monday
when she has a bug up her butt
she acts like nothing ever happened
i'm fuming
i have to supervise her when with baby
and she treats me like turd today
because i was specif about food shopping
she still did not do as i asked
and that was to use the phone and
call
as i was at yet at another doctor
and she did what she wanted to do
what wrong with this
i am still teaching Corissa to listen to the
instructions given
asked please do as i asked
again a huge fight

done done done done done done done
done done done done

this is to much unnecessary pain
make no mistake it hurts

me

i need any input out there
 

i have over and over and over extend
any help i can give if for the right reasons

my daughter is not only disrespectful
but did not understand when she was here it is her job to take over

well this at first was mistaken that i did not want to be in my daughters company

here we go with assumptions

it was to have them bond in a way a mother and child could

but nooooo you come here start to manipulate everything as if i had become that unheard parent that doesn't know what she was talking about like i'm in a wheelchair

NOT YET
I AM HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD

to know give my all to two children
under age who need me for reasons
mentioned in the past

i have reached enough is enough
you blind narcissistic cruel attitude must be eliminated
i will not allow ANY OF MY CHILDREN TALK DOWN TO ME
no matter how many apologizes that the 48 hit them

well she really has no place
no joking very serious
she has begun to work
waitressing at a good local diner

the thing is when did i become invisible

never

this is not the first time
we have different views about responsible caring and loving parenting
the baby comes knocking on my door
asking "can i come in

what should i do

yesterday and today are her days off
already asked if she can come "home"

tough to do after what has been said and done

tomorrow she has work again 5 nights

don't know what to do

her priorities all screwed up

and i am stuck between head and heart

what to do

What the *******
 

Baby daddy calls
Says mother can't stay
Came picked up uniform
No herself
All confused
Walks out
And
Gone
And how the **** do I fell
Like turd
It's my kid
Baby yells out bye
This really feels like ****
What the ****

I worry for you
 

I've sent you a PM.

i'm here
 

just to upset
me

Don't Implode
 

Eva,
First of all what great pics of the family!!

Now....since you asked.

Your daughters priority is the baby daddy. Is he paying child support...does he have court ordered visitation? Time to tighten the vice on him with a smile on your face. He should not be at your door unless all his responsibilities to that child are in order....or he is making every attempt to do so. The same for your daughter.
You are going to have to be diabolical and that is needed now....be firm/nice ...explain later.
No...your daughter cannot move home. You don't need that drama...your daughter wants to come home because it is easier for the baby daddy to manipulator her when she is there ....HE wants her home.....because he is already manipulating you. OMG...EVA think what if she gets pregnant again???
How much of her money is she giving him...Is he isolating her...restricting her friends...how much older is he than her?

I do not feel that you will be effective in any change for your daughter until she can think and make decisions with out his influence. That job will be her lifeline for social and financial independence...praise....praise....praise her.
There will be another waitress that will give her a yank about life...that is a good thing.

The baby....just keep her behind the scenes....keep your voice light and full of love....smile....know love always prevails.

We are tons alike Eva....

sending Love and Light
HB

dear friend

a dear friend who has wonderful questions
all the ones i would be asking
yes he is court ordered to pay child support
and yes it is to be given to me for her needs
i have never asked for it as the bout
happened and because i can edit this is what just went down

because he through her out
the only place left for her
or as my eldest tells me
she slept in the laundry mat
something i didn't need to know
but nonetheless
now i tell mommy
how can you have slept in the
laundry room
she said she didn't
i didn't even bother where this all started
so she slept here last night
on the couch
baby slept late
but when she got up she went to lay with
her for a half hour
Corissa stays in my room
my sister forgot to come
my blood was to be drawn
it will now be done Thursday
what am i gonna do
out of my control

and yes you have him pegged
i make him be a father like it or not
he is very happy that she is here
you heard me right
on the couch as we speak
there to remind her it is not permanent
the room is given back to Corissa and Eva
she is not to be mistaken
all monies she is making best be for an apartment
maybe throw in there a few meetings
get her turd together so she can be a mother to Eva
this is a struggle
i know addiction very well
i a recovering alcoholic 22 years
understand it very well
hence my anger having to be a physically
physician induced addict
just robbed me on a different level
over it
this is why i still go to my home
group meeting on Sundays
something she still needs to do
the newest bull turd she walks
and here goes
in my room with how and her
"baby donkey of a father" are
going to put her in daycare and
how she will be picking her up
Judges orders she cannot be left
alone with the baby
all her doing
so after Sunday's meeting
i came out of there and said
f it
i'm taking me Corissa and baby
down the shore
Saraeve planned on cooking for us
nope
i wanted to go to the shore
and do something I wanted
so she comes also
the whole ride down there
Christine Eva's mommy
saying
this was a trick on my part
that i always wanted the responsibility
of Eva
that's darn true
when it comes to a stranger over
her family
and the Judge choose me
operative words my daughter doesn't yet
"Judge choose me"
period thank God
i call the shots now
of course never wanting this responsibility
i am suppose to be mimma
not mommy
to Christine i used trickery
so i have decided she cannot stay here
permanently
and until she does what the Judge
sees to it otherwise
i call the shots
today i will ask about the child support

he does not want her there as he still lives with mommy
this is where she has been

and when here is disrespectful
slamming doors
thinking its okay to tell me what she is going to do
in my home and life
even if she means some good out of it
that never happens this she has the opportunity
over and over and over by the Judge
DYFS closed the case concerning my daughter
because she never completed a program
and because i could be the custodial person
she stays in this family
i am comfortable knowing i can call Eva's lawyer
anytime i needed her when it comes to Eva
that's all that matters
Christine
as always materialistic with Eva especially with the sneakers

shes knocking on my door now
taking some of your suggestions
here goes

we are in a bout right now will return

and it was of-course not good
asking her about the child support was a
huge issue
she was nasty
and i told her she is confusing her
and i want it calm at all times
so i come in my room with Eva and
her Lego blocks and start
to explain to her in a
kindly way how mommy has to behave
when in mimma's home
and speak softly and gentle
and tell her
"she with mom are going to the park
with sidewalk chalk"
and mommy can go and have fun with her
she understood
Corissa is overseeing them as Corissa has her girlfriend
come over i was able to speak with her also
so for now mommy is doing laundry and will be getting ready
to go to work
it makes me so unhappy but i have to do this
she doesn't see it yet
it will only be then if ever
will she gets it
they haven't returned yet
hope she didn't say things to confuse her

and thank you so much for your input
i am on the right track
you helped confirm it
blessings you sent
love
me

You are on the right track and don't be unhappy.
It is so hard to tough love and then you don't see the results for years.....sucks! That is what makes the "unhappy" feeling.

I does work so you go girl.

I almost took my reply down twice.....you were open to the love it was sent on....you are amazing!!!

And now about you....on to Thurs....

deep breath my friend...we are right here with ya.

Love and Light

Hannah

FYI: I am 26 months into tough love re parenting my 43 year old son. He spent 12 years in prison between the ages of 25-40. Non Violent...stupid. His true turn around came just the first of this year when he was able to secure full time employment. We both did the work. It has made a wonderful change in our relationship.

Thank you for sharing
 

From the depth of my being
Thank you so much for caring
You understand
and gave me awesome advice
May the love of your child
be amazing
You have been there

I'm not joking
 

I can now talk about yesterday
Went to the parking authority
to meet with the Director Alicia
about a dispute over a meter aid
issuing my daughter a ticket while out
of my car
I was at a fire hydrant in my car
engine running
One of the two meter men said it was fine
another came and wanted me out of the way
No parking available
I tell my daughter ill look for parking
while she gets his info
After I left
The turd issued my daughter a ticket
Upon our meeting with the Director
I had parked my car in a parking lot
Backed the car in so I have always done
I will have you know

THERE WAS A TICKET ON MY CAR
IMPROPER PARKING
STILL WITH A HOUR AND A HALF LEFT
ON THE METER

Dear Father
Everything was exactly in your plan
What was my lesson here
Zippo
This is how a town makes money
O how I was in prayer
I could not wait to come home
A $39.00 ticket
I shall look this up today and see if
such law is legal
Done

big mistake
 

i went looking for it

i do not entertain facebook
was interested how my son was doing
blaming me for e v e r y t h i n g in his entire
he just posted something scientifically
proven to be exposed to severe stress
inflicted on a young child has damaging
effect

i make no excuses what an overbearing alcoholic
single divorced mother who brought on so much hatred
and i hope he is getting help for any pain i inflicted

my son has a complete backwards understanding
why i had no permanent relationship with any man
and that i hate men

my sessions with my therapist has my side of the reality
to my very CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT AGAIN NOT to become
involved with no other until my children were grown
raising them was not by far easy
only Michael cannot dump all his problems on my lap
i own up to my drinking that i'm sure embarrassed them
on a few occasions
point
i cannot say i am sorry for his unhappy ways
as i have been a open book
i tell my children
"if i did 50% better than my parents did i made a change
or attempted to even in that state
and when i became sober he couldn't pull his crap
holding him responsible for certain chores
point damage already done
even in that short of time
it progressed
point so i go looking
not even looking into the scientific finding
but i do remembering him posting
"another reason to point a finger at my mother"
well that cut me up

the truth of the matter
i had a problem with a father who violated me as a little girl
till i left when at seventeen
my mother knew as i happened to my sister also
but the thing is
i leave at seventeen married for all the wrong reasons
what did i know about the world
so promises promises until i had my third child
a husband was reverting to old bad habits drinking and drugs
i sanely divorced him
and the crappy thing is he always had visitation rights i
encouraged
my ex lost sight of his three young children as his obsession with "if i can't have you, no one will went on for about five or six years the moment we separated was the moment i became
empowered
i wasn't going to fall apart
he never paid child support
this all documented i needed for them
never to do as my son is attempting to punish for his
unhappy life

if i couldn't trust the first man a little girl falls in love with
is suppose to be her daddy
that didn't happen in my case
with unusual dysfunctional dynamics to our family

if i couldn't trust my ex to be a father to them

then what doesn't my son understand
i knew i was a hot mess especially during
my ovulation time
that is only recognized today as a disease

look he knows he's a big boy
irresponsible in many ways
so bright
so beautiful
so much loved and wish he wasn't suffering

i will not stand up and remind my son
i did the best i did
i never changed my phone number to this day
specifically so he couldn't say he could not contact them

and that's what infuriates me
i NEVER hid ANYTHING from my children
and not to throw some of this mommy hurt me
pick yourself up and live your life as you see fit
to say having an absent parent his father
and think that hasn't played a role
he never took me to court is my response to him
when he says i never allowed him visitation
had them ready every Sunday one day a short lived
arrangement Sunday 8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M.
again short lived never called to find out why
had them ready the following Sunday again a no show
he was living with mommy and daddy

i think you all get the picture

my boy
i recognized at an early age
an introverted little boy
took him to a therapist
did several specific tests
to help the doctor in reaching his milestones
i always knew Michael had difficulties
hence his close relationship with his oldest sister
and me being single
by choice
it was okay to take and take and take over the years

"another reason to point a finger at my mother"

really

me

and now my sixteen year old
 

oh i do not think so
just in the last two days
my daughter Corissa has had her girlfriend over the house
yesterday and Corissa had chores 2 loads of laundry
a load of towels from the pool ready for tomorrow
and asked her both days when her girlfriend to do the loads
the second load was bed sheets pillowcases and such

now between Christine and Corissas behavior
as i dare come out of my room

to give Christine the time for mom and baby to continue bond-ship
that out the window
she has turned into such a cruel spirited
mother
said in anger
"i don't want to be a mother"
"it"s too much work"
anger no anger
somethings just should not be said
and that was one of them

Corissa on the other hand
decided not to come home
after sending her to the store for

milk
eggs
turkey
cheese
rolls
bag of ice
that was three and a half hours ago
i contacted her girlfriend
knowing that's where she went
not only won't Corissa answer my calls or texts
but her girlfriend someone who i spoke to openly
still yet to hear from her parents

Corissa is NOT in school anymore
at sixteen she now says her life is over
going this route certainly changed everything
her GED TO FOLLOW
i only pray
i don't get it
what do the youth of today
put out into the world
and now Corissa in an adult world
still a child
hoped she would understand
she did not have to have sex yet
and that sex and people to have it with will always
be in her life
so many things pushed into
and thinking it's okay
it wasn't okay not to be in class because she
wants to hang out
why oh why is it like this
what happened to parent and child
why is it i have to accept everything they want

all happens in due time

why is she obsessed with this girlfriend
who her parents only just found confirmation
she is gay

now being upset with Corissa
knowing she has taken this argument
and using it to get what she wants
seeing her girlfriend
her family is going to the Dominic Republic
and what she'll come walking up to the door
and say i'm sorry

there is way too much for me to swallow
i don't know where to shove this

my brain is fried
i am a floor mat to them
and i'm sick of it
what else is left if you
don't have family
crying my heart out
a little hurt from all of them
me

Not home yet
She's not home yet
Me

Now it's Eva's mother
 

My daughter Christine is down out rude
She needs to get on the ball and get insurance
for Eva
Goodness if anything should happen that requires a hospital
and until either one of them get insurance the doctor would be
taken care of

She again accuses me of wanting her to get out
Not that she will not behave and do her part be a
mommy get sober get the baby back live life
What more must I do it is so hard to not say what
I want to because I know it wouldn't help
It sucks lemons
She is so mean
So mean
Me

It isn't okay
 

To ask her to leave again
How many places am I being pulled
The pain of this kind to relive over and over
is not a life

For Eva to say mommy makes me angry
is not okay

She has taken her belongings
Almighty Father watch over her
as I try to ease my mind
that's just beyond fried
I just want to die
It all hurts so much
Watch over her Father
Watch over her

trust
 

trust she will find her way Eva...You raised her...she knows right from wrong..it is her journey to make mistakes or not....she knows you love her.

For all my prayers and fixing for my son and wanting to make his life the way I thought it should be.....all I thought as good intentions and prayer....I had no right to interfere with his life lessons....I only prolonged them and made myself miserable. It also gave me an excuse not to be working on myself and my own issues of codependency.

hang in there ...hold the faith
HB

HB,

So very true; enabling him caused you the price of not taking care of yourself. You seemed to have come thru with the codependency lesson.

Was there; done that; learned my daughter had to find her way. Thank God; she is for "today" doing well. I am there for her to bounce things off of; but not unwittingly pushing her away by offering my suggestions. She said she is grateful for that. Expressed this to one of the parents of a boy she has been trying to help. My daughter asked me last week if I would be willing to talk with the mother.


Gerry

Eva,

So sorry you have so much to deal with. Not knowing what to do or say next is so difficult.

Pray you will continue holding on to God Almighty. He is there listening. Sometimes we are so filled with anxiety, it is hard to hear what He is saying.


Gerry

Yes indeed I'm am where I need to be
 

My dear friends

As i only know to well what co dependency can do
to a relationships let alone a whole tiny family
like mine
I have the knowledge as my soberiety comes first
This they see and understand
HB I believe as you so dearly express
They have their own path to live and learn
I "the go to person" not as enabler for they all
understand stepping into anyone else's shoes
is not a way of life
To live life through someone else is not "life"
I can only be functional when my Meds are in my body
with a clear mind of what would my Father have me do
It is even harder having to ask your child to leave when
she "mommy" can't give herself the gift of soberiety
This I know is work in progress
It is myself I have to stay out of my own way at times
so I can emotionally pull myself together
So I can be a functioning parent
And understand having more persons under one roof
will be challenging
The trick here "it" only works when "they" can
and when "they"
have to work at "it"
I understand addiction
it is my first skin
The one we shed everyday
and having not picked up
I know is a "BLESSING" in itself
to have to deal with
my own character defects is a job in itself
rarely I am blessed
For today the obsession for a "DRINK" is lifted
this is my drug of choice
All my doctors know
All
I have the upmost respect for one
who can be calm in a way about things
And I know that is a persons state of mind
A practice if you will
This is something I try and practice everyday
In my bed most of my days know
Having to hold my head up has begun to affect
my chest area
So submitting to this body sucks big time
Submitting to the challenge to deal with additicition
is something I know first hand
Tough love is tough in itself as those who follow my writings
will know what a toll it takes on me
The responses I have received are all welcomed
I cannot be the only one to have such dynamics goings on
And there is a lot of that
I am happy to be blessed to have
the right to become a mother
I so understand they are their own little people
the moment
they came out of me
The privilege is I at some point in my life
was abusive not good i know
I lost my privileges to many even my children
And what persons do not understand
Addiction
in all forms
are a progression in
the hope you get hooked
And I did
I deny nothing that is true
And that doesn't mean my truth
Just the plain truth
So I thank you from the bottom of my
heart your input is received
I am the one who asks and I trust your response to be real
When sharing ones experience strengths and hopes
are BLESSINGS
LOVE HURTS
when your loved ones are in pain in one way of another
and they come to me
I will not say no
It's great to have shoulders to lean on
May I be there for you
Me

Not taken seriously
 

What will it take
How is this allowed
I cannot say or do anything
I must stay strong
I have to be subjected to more
heart ache and pain
Physical and mental
The vicious cycle of
Addicition
Why oh why is this process
for her so so difficult
I don't get it
Why can't it be a working on progression
Slowly step by step
I offered her a place to stay until
she can get a routine going
No
What happened she hooked up with
a fellow addict at her job
She has been let go of her job
She has reached the age of my entering AA
a place where you will not be judged
by true fellow addicts
It is a burden for me to take Meds
It is a way of life for myself
A easy target
Govenor of my state concerned about
the fight against prescription drugs and the
abundance of herion use in this area
And we hear about all the "stars" passing
from the misuse of drugs
Why is it so complicated for some to
get sober
I hate
yes I know impeccable with my words
I hate that I am so ill I have to be a slave
to very strong addictive medicines
In school
My child exposed to the drugs I take
is the new street drug

How much more must I have to endure
I had enough already
Will I ever get the chance to live
Walk truely walk again
Just my luck
I would need a miricle
A true miricle

I am not a happy individual
I am lonely
The so called friends dwindled
I am unable to change many things
But can accept the trials and tribulations
To one day be free from having to fight
all the demons away
To be a grandmother oh sweet Brother
thank you for carrying me when I couldn't walk anymore
My anger must subside
I must give over what I cannot handle
I must
Me

keep pushing
 

i already asked my doc
if i feel this badly
in this dark place
i can't seem to kick its butt
it is more in my life then out
what am i doing to myself
i must follow thru
one way or another
and its killing me
sucks the life out
when i don't get the help i need
i will have a long week
thanks to laziness

Action taken only.....
 

WHEN DAMAGE IS DONE

finally
i find my 16 year old
cuts herself
cutting out all the crap
iv'e been telling her father
you need to step up
i need his help to get her
where she needs to go

i am sickened
how all are low libido
input in a place my child is in
eight hours a day five days a week
keeping in contact with all who are responsible
to helping her make it the next four years
exciting and interesting
help when needed
i understand
my child is responsible for her
choices and actions
but i ask you
is that reason to push them in
a cage of looser
no one is a looser
they are troubled
speaking for my child
my personal experience
the logo
"no child left behind"
means nothing
too much trouble helping
the troubled
mental health issues
my daughter does not know
how to displace her anger

BUT I HAD ENOUGH
YESTERDAY WAS IT

there "is" a twelve week program
every Wednesday about a forty minutes
away this is where dad comes in
to drive her and
bring her home

i am disgusted

this was an option
never aware of it
this shows how insignificance
the lack of care to educate me of
the availability
a program she will be addressing all of the issues
at hand including drugs and alcohol and self mutilation
a direct result of not knowing how to displace
or defuse it
it turns out she just got her period
many persons do not understand this and
its affect on a woman's psyche
she as her sister who made me mimma
as i watch her as mom cleans up Her act
this the one my sixteen year old looked up to
and has picked up were the other left

when will mental illness
including a woman's menstrual
cycle

i know what i'm talking about
i i product of what is confirmed
a woman's cycle is a huge factor
nuf said
me

and in a program
 

she will be reinstated on my short lived private insurance
April and my Angel is to take the anti-depressant
should i begin and not know what will happen
i called the number behind the Medicare card and asked
what do i do when my primary ends
she said because i'm in the system
to call the first of April and i and my child
will be covered
i'm going to have to call the number again
i'm confused
will the meds be covered
i can't have her start some med that will cause withdrawal
nor myself for that matter
to go into uncharted waters
frighting
the program is helping
but put on the back burner
her dad is on vacation and was her ride
and Father you know
there isn't anyone else
this is not a good thing
needs to be seen by shrink in a month
he's not back till the 12th
e v e r y t h i n g just s u c k s in this
very important situation
and what Father
i'm not to worry for us
leaving ALL up to You
have My Faith be put in Your
hands is what i am not doing
there is always something terrible
is on its way
it's just the way it is
it is what it is
i am to be grateful in everything
i am in it is
what a way to live
with a gray cloud over ones
my shrinks says
"one thing for certain"
no lie
"you just haven't gotten a break"
and
"they need you"
this i know
there is no option
now this new situation
what happens when i loose my insurance
and my job
my livelihood is finite
i will try not to be sad
let me Trust
i rebuke any evil that is
penetrating and invading our life
in Jesus name
come into my heart
be thankful for your family eva

I'm just really tired of a lot of things
 

I'm really tired that just because I got the implant put in that people think that I'm cured and look at me like I'm faking when I'm in pain. I can't use the implant all the time. It feels good and all but it's really distracting and I can't focus on what I need to focus on when I'm working.

I'm really tired of my asshole boss his little minion Lew that throws me under the boss any chance he gets and continues to call me a cripple and ***** for sitting down when I need to, just because I'm the youngest in the wood shop, and the other perfectly healthy 40 year old dude can stand all day. WELL GOOD FOR HIM, I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I know that I'm doing pretty well considering the stage of RSD that I'm in. But I'm tired of having to take care of everyone. I have this curse and I still drive my own truck and I still work a 40 hour work week and it ****ing sucks, it's horrible. But I don't have a choice, I have to work. I have to be able to pay the bills and eat. But the main part of it is, is that I'm tired of being the only one in the house hold that's actually responsible. I'm the only one of the three total people in the house that pays bills and buys food. Oh and I'm also again the youngest. 27 year old taking care of a 30 and a 38 year old, who both have full time jobs like me, but **** off bills that keep a roof over their head because they're idiotic selfish human beings.

Mostly I'm just tired of being taken advantage of. I know that I'm too nice and that I do a lot for people. But I do actually like to help people. Like if I give you gas money for taking me somewhere, Don't buy cigarettes with it. That's shitty.

I'm also really scared that I'm going to be alone. And I'm depressed that I'm alone. Because since the surgery I feel pretty good, and a lot more confident at that, but as soon as someone finds out that I have a medical Implant, they're like "**** this dude" god forbid they find out what it's for. I just want the opportunity to be able to spend my life with someone who I can actually believe that they have feelings for me. That would be pretty awesome.

I'm tired that my folks are up my *** about everything I do because they're so right winged republican that it makes my head hurt. Yes mom, I smoke weed. It's pretty cool, it makes my mind slow down and it makes my leg not hurt. Also gives me a pretty descent appetite when I'm in to much pain to eat. I know that I'm asking for it if I'm the one that told them, but they're still dumb, but of course, I still love them.

And I'm tired of being tired all the time. which is one thing that I can do something about here pretty soon.

Good night all and thanks for listening to me *****!

Sorry, I forgot that you can't cuss on this forum.......my bad

Yeah...
 

But, we do get the point Luthier. IT....the stuff which brings us through pain to this place is a rotten deal, but with one another and the therapies we thankfully receive many of us do live better than we would otherwise live. I feel blessed.

It is a good result......over all.
Thanks again,
M56

I'm sorry mark, I can't respond to that in a nice manner, for the sake of the other people that belong to this forum, I'll just not respond. Even though I'm kind of responding, by saying that "I'll just not respond."

Got It
 

Five by five
Done

ya know i jumped out of my bed this morning still dark outside
hobbled through the other end of the apartment her room is stationed a bathroom outside her room a beautiful room at that
i walked into her room
started crying
i had forgotten she returned home yesterday
and also forgotten she slept in my bed along with my granddaughter
dear Brother
i can't go through this again
the difference this time i am ill crippled useless
my attitude is as open and honest it can ever get
my eldest so angry at my illnesses

Eva,

Know you are not alone,
Caring with/for you,

Gerry

Caring in all ways possible.
All ways and always,
Squeezing you tightly in hugs,
M56 :hug:

Dear Eva

For every waking moment
A thought streams out to you,
Cutting through the pains
That bind us.
That thought carries with it
Strength. Hope. Compassion.
Feel my thought,
Be Comforted.

Dave.

Dave trapped
 

it goes without saying
i think about what you offer me
to kick some butts is not how i want begin
a relationship
for example the new secretary
from our in house property management
office
sweet young woman my daughters age
"your going to have to move your car"
handed her my keys
told her to tell Roslyn
do what you have to do and find
a tiny little hole

that attitude comes from lying to me
it will cost them by
finding me a hole in a wall
that's how tiny it is
i am on the top level
in the exposed elements (mother nature)
mother to nurture her babies
i told the father "
you seem to forget
at thirty you both lie
don't have your foul turd together
made me a mom all over again
when will she stop
struggling fighting
abandonment issue could
become a problem

in Jesus i trust
in Jesus i trust
in Christ name
Amen!

feeling your message

sending
the strongest feeling of all

LOVE
in abundance
me

Between the hours of 9 and 10pm GMT (4-5pm Eastern) I Meditate to clear and focus my mind to come on here after my meds at 10.
From 9:30ish I Meditate on Loving Kindness. That was once generalized, but is now in part focussed on my friends and fellow members - and especially you Eva - here at NeuroTalk.
Take time to think of me while I am thinking of you.

Dave.