my baby girl
is home
got home at 8:00
used a strangers phone
to call home
was at the park
a place you don't
want to be alone

let me not loose her to the streets
today's world not an easy place
especially when not prepared
does she not want to go to school
i mean i can't be there to make her
go to class
please don't let her be a high school dropout
social media she does not have a face book
truly socializing in school
with the wrong crowd already
as per her vice principal
cannot get her motivated
i have to be cursed
what are the chances
four children 4 independent
children suffering in one way or the other
i made no reason for my child to behave
disrespectfully she is already way to ahead
she needs to pull back
she needs to find a purpose
i have open communication
she does not have to fear me
and yes i raised her without hitting
her
not the same with my three older
children did and that did not solve
anything

don't get it
my daughter watches me with the baby
sees how close she is with me
at times in awe at the way she behaves
it is natural for me to rear a child
it works but with all of my children
it happened all in the same manner
it's like their right of way
and let me just crap on my mom
i don't have to call her and let her
know where i am

it doesn't work that way
she knows the stuff
i can understand her freshman year
new town new school doesn't know
anyone trying to find her way

but fail again
help she will get
i promised her this
she fell when she was out alone
twisted her ankle
will wrap it
need to get some important
business bills need to go out
Corissa is staying home her foot
and ankle swollen
i will be speaking with her
see into another school
i don't know
one step at a time

Eva,

I spoke with Corissa a couple of times for a few short minutes. (She thank me for being friends with her mother.) I could feel she is "special". Please let her know how I so want her to be happy; but with pride and strength. Strength she will need not to fall in with those that will not be good for her. She knows who they are. She has her whole future before her. Difficult as it may seem to her now; she has the choice. I pray the choice will lead her to pride in all things.



Gerry

dear Gerry

i certainly will
she did not call again
came home at 5:00
no phone call
was with her girlfriend
at the library
point i told her please
for the love of God
let me know where you are
or better yet ask can i
if you know i may need
for her to do something
send her dressed in uniform
as she has been singled out
no 0 zero support
as the one time she went
to his house when the phone
and uniform were the issue
in the beginning of last
year
he bought her skinny jeans
and did not see what was wrong
with that
fought me all the way
opposite everything she is
required in school
and then the cutting class
to hang with the wrong influenced
easily people pleases
helping her be her own person
that she must follow school rules
i did not make them
even if i like most of the system
she wants to dress out of uniform
bamm put in TLC i get a call
i am told what she is wearing
NOT WHAT I SENT HER IN
she is yet to carry her $200.00
back pack a place for everything
never used it
i have met her more than half way
and enough is enough
time to buckle down
not that easy
do not want to loose her to money
this is what he bribes my daughter
with
she watches his wife beat the two girls
with shoes DYFS interjected as school
put the blame on the wife
who can't speak a word of English
not okay

he did not raise the oldest one
his sister-in-law did and married his
best friend
anyhow all affiliated with the same
12 step program i have maintained my
home group meeting ever since i started
23 years ago
and it works if you work it
not get caught up in the gossip
that goes on and i find tat i become
topic of conversation
as a woman he tells about my
car comes to my house
asks me at one point
"can i ask you a question"
said sure
"does Luis take care of his child
i said, "not only isn't he a father to her
take her to school as i couldn't when
i became ill
but lied in court when i filed for child support
to this day he hasn't complied
lied about his income
i never pressed the issue
figured i did it with three
i can do this again
never factored in getting ill
so the answer to your question is no"
but that's okay
i reported him to the IRS
no ill feeling about it

well this witch
gave him the heads up
and told him
and tells Corissa
we know the same people
i know she reported me
Corissa says
you know your a lair
and a cheat i seen what you
do
and what you claim
i'm not stupid dad
this he did not like
that's quite alright
he messed with the wrong women
my daughter Saraeve is who i
speak of there were she had to call
i was mortified
this blankin witch gave him the heads up

and i thank you for your courage
it takes courage i tell her
to be your own person
not to let anyone steal her desires
her thunder
how important she learn and absolutely
to have fun
always have fun
she was always known for her beautiful
smile
it is beautiful as she is
she morphed into a b e a u t i f u l f l o w e r
she isn't my baby girl anymore
a hickey on her neck
and i ask was this public display
not to mention
it's not okay

pull back
put it on the back burner for now

for now
we will see
be assured i'll tell her
thank you for your concern
open to anything

sick and tired

so he sees me

now as he knows my
oncologist

he sees it
and blankin tells me
there is a name for
it you can look it up
and i can look it up
if i want
literally down loads me
pictures

diagnosis
double bubble

and he sees it two years later
granted he hugged me after leaving
but it was not my blankin imagination

double bubble
he says, now
its the same as it was two years
ago
but because another doctor
said something about it
and knows my oncologist
they play racket ball together
just blows my blankin mind
so
he spits out
an explanation sheet
and as he explained all that needs
to be done as he was the
last one to close me up
after all of my surgeries
never again
so now what
i would have liked to have been
acknowledge then not now
because if i let him put me out
i would have them taken out
i control my body
how dare he when i first brought
it to his attention two years ago
calls his partner in
and at the OPEN
doorway says
"look at how great they are"
mortified

anyhoo
told him to say hello
to his wife
as she was the one to initially
take my first call
i did not know this
and told her how what i did
was a hiccup in the road

now tomorrow
dermatologist

Friday pain specialist

so what to do
what to do
i'm not waiting
i need to rule out
my new diagnosis

oh people

it's all about winning
their ego
their sight lost
me
the
patient

as angry as i am at my children
they all know i cannot do things as i did
and if they don't know me by now
they will never know me
to tell my daughter
do as the judge said
i am doing what i can for my
granddaughter and mother thinks i
should have to do things alone
no no no
she doesn't want to understand this
as my other older children
i just learned from my eldest child
she would let Eva go up for adoption
heaven forbid my children should help
anyway they can
i am mortified utterly mortified
i want to vomit it hurts so badly
my daughter Corissa in a bad way
oh let me kick her to the curb
oh my God
i never knew she felt like that
i am so sad so sad
what do i do with this where do i put this
how do i process this
she just would give her up
just like that never going to happen

never going to happen
i cannot allow anyone to
step on me
i feel so alone in this matter
oh how horrible i feel
let it pass please let it pass
no one no one
alone
Brother carry me
i need to have stability
in one way or the other

i turned to Saraeve for comfort
after mom took a hissy fit
reminding her of the perks she
has received others may look
at is as enabling
this i won't allow
as the moment her mother steps foot
into this home she is to take over 100 and 10%
my granddaughter is helpless too
what does she know
one thing for she knows this as home
a safe place her auntie Corissa will
be here to help pick up some of the pieces
maybe help her understand the responsibility
now that she will be reduced to a GED
this a gifted child in a school for her talents
above her expectancy
until i became ill her father an donkeys butt
made her life even more confusing
and now he sees the real truth
and apologized
it meant nothing
to late
i had to take the bull by the horns
no regrets none i will do this
it is going to be hard
but i will do it
i want to punch something
it hurts so badly
i had no clue
my daughter felt that way
it hit me like a bomb
i blown away
can't say anymore

What a punch in the gut!!

all along you have been trying to hold it together so they could reunite...had you known you could have done differently!!

Well now you do know...better that you do know the truth....you will get past this.

hanna

love you for that
it hurts so bad
me