I posted some time ago about a couple who both lost their lives within a month of each other, leaving behind two children aged ~ 11 and 8 (that does not sound quite right, can't recall exact ages now). the father was killed on a pedestrian crossing by someone running a red light (died on impact). the children were told daddy had gone on vacation. (right, without packing or saying goodbye.)

one month later, the mother hung herself inside her house. it was time for her to go pick up her kids at school. someone else had to pick them up obviously and they were told mommy had felt very ill and was in hospital but could not be visited because she needed rest. a week later, after funerals (which they were not informed of/allowed to attend) they were told she had died of a heart attack.

the children were removed from the school by an aunt/uncle, transplanted to another city and are being raised with another family to avoid learning the truth from the grapevine.

i still cannot wrap my brains around that one. first, i think at some point someone in the house will talk about events surrounding and the kids will overhear it, or they will become suspicious in some other way that they were lied to.

i still cannot fathom that that poor woman was forced to keep a happy face for the kids (daddy on vacation, remember?) instead of being allowed to grieve her husband. she was expressly suicidal and was not hospitalized. she was given benzos, and according to my cousin (her close friend) was visibly "doped up" most of the time... if it were that noticeable, the drugs could magnify her depressive sx rather than alleviate tension. she was not allowed to see her husband's body because it was too messy (granted). she was not allowed to be taken to the location of his death - she kept asking to go - because it was feared she would attempt to die the same way. it seems to me she tried to somehow "connect" to his death... process it, and her relatives kept her confined to a "safe unknowing" ... just like the kids.....

with the kids...... it would seem to me a gradual disclosure need not involve lies. one could be more vague and as the children inquired more, one could be more specific. therapy should be provided immediately of course.

the relatives also "disappeared" the note that the mother left, because it expressly designated who she wished to have guardianship of the children - and those who found it did not happen to agree, and did not want those cited in the note to know. i'm guessing mom knew those ppl were liars...

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so i ask, again, since many of you were not around when i posted then,

does any of this make sense?

the relatives insist the children "can never find out" ... (which i don't believe, but ) ... supposing that were true, does it sound better for the children to learn daddy disappeared permanently on vacation and mom had a heart attack after being mysteriously sequestered in hospital for a week without being allowed to see her once? than to learn of the accident and suicide?

for one, i can't help thinking if they'd been told of the accident, and she hadn't had to keep that happy face, they may still have a mother instead of a legacy of lies.

does lying to the children make sense? i can see that knowing the reality of these events would have a life long impact, but lying about it doesn't seem right ... does anyone think the truth with therapy would screw them up worse than all these mysteries?

~ waves ~

Dear Alffe

I am happy for you, and for your grandson and his family.

~ waves ~

This is wrong on so many levels it makes me sputter to think about it. Children need to be told the truth as simply and directly as possible. Depending on their age, they could be told that the parent had a sickness that made them so sad they didn't want to go on living. And depression is a sickness as we all know.

It's those "adults" who can't handle it waves. And it will come out...it will take it's toll on those survivors.

I was so embarrassed when my mom told everybody at church that I had attempted suicide. Wasn't it MY choice since it happened to me? I mean, it's not like I had cancer or some other disease that I didn't cause. Seems to me like she was fishing for sympathy...

Shame on her!! That was not hers to tell.....I would have yelled at her!!

Wouldn't have worked!!! My parents love me, but I have no voice with them. My opinions and heartfelt pleadings aren't heard. I mean, who would listen to a former drug addict anyway? I've come so far - shouldn't I get credit for that? Oh, I could just scream obscenities right now!!!!

I have more to say cause my last post has awakened my resentment!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG doesn't what I have to say even matter to my parents? Geez, if I had told my mom that I was having suicidal feelings in the first place, she probably would've told that to her church friends too!!!!!!!!!!! The only good thing that came out of all of this was that I was able to comfort a family that lost their son/brother recently...

Katiebell

You matter to us.

Donna

I know that my parents are who they are and that they did their best to raise me. I am just so frustrated because I don't understand them as people. How could I be so different from them when THEY raised ME? Is this a Nature vs. Nurture issue? I'm not really seeking an apology from them (because I know I'll never get one) - I just want to understand so my heart and mind can find peace!

Thanks so much for your support, Donna!!

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/sh...t=parents+fail


for Katiebell who I suspect is not yet a parent.