I don't know what it's like to loose someone to suicide, but I know what it's like to be suicidal. What happened to your mother was not your fault, you tried to help her, and you did what was best for your family. It's obvious that your mother also loved her grandchildren and would never do anything to hurt them, even if she had to spend less time with them. You may never know whether or not she OD'd on purpose, but I think it's likely that she was just hurting a little worse than usual so she took a few more pills than usual.

I'm sorry for your loss. Suicidal thoughts are irrational and they are strong, and they are the result of a disease. They are never the fault of the loved ones who survived.

Keep coming here and posting your thoughts....it's been kind of slow here today, but there are many more people here who have had similar experiences, and all of them are kind and caring.

Take care

Welcome (((starstorm))) and sorry for what brought you here. I hope you've had some time to read some of the other "threads" in our Survivors of Suicide (SOS) Forum - you'll find support and understanding.

It sure is tough feeling that you could be the cause of someone's feelings ... when really, you cannot control how they feel or react... especially when they are not well. When I have been at my deepest point of depression I have been able to understand why someone could take their life... and so often it is an "accident" because they were so irrational... either so bogged down in depression (which really messes with your brain) or drugs/drink (makes our brain a bigger mess!)

I hope you can focus on your little ones... and remember that each time they see you sad, they feel sad, too... think about being the Mom I bet your Mom wished she could have been. I bet she was very proud of you. Moms are always proud - you know that... and our love is pretty unconditional... there is no way your Mom blamed you... she only blamed herself because she didn't have the strength to dig out of her addiction...

I know how sad that is.

Reyn - sorry to hear of your crisis - know that we understand when you can't be here and that you'd be here if you could ((hugs)).

Lonely1 - do you see how your situation with your Mom sort of parallels what starstorm is feeling? Even as 'big' kids, we still think we are somehow responsible or can change our parents.

hugs for everyone!

Guilt is a worthless feeling. I know - I suffer from it from time to time. I feel sorry for everything bad I EVER did in my life. Guilt is a thief that steals our "nows". The minute I realize I'm entertaining guilt I talk myself out of it - if not, IT wins. You are a good person. Concentrate on all the good things you've done in your life. That is what means the most.