Hi All,

I know I haven't posted in a long time. I still lurk and drop in every once in awhile. I hope everyone is doing well and keeping their chins up.

Not sure what's up with me tonight. Feeling very vulnerable to my emotions. I can't let people in my past go, specifically ex boyfriends. Please don't read this as a girl who can't get over a guy. Anyone that has followed my posts knows that it's more than this. Even though I don't want to date them, I hate being on bad terms with them. This feeling is followed by trying to contact them numerous times and not being able to stop. I want them to be okay with me and like who I am. I can't stop trying. It's bad.

Anyway, I just really needed to write.....thanks....

We tend to feel worse, more lonely, more sad, more depressed etc at nights, when we are tired, we cant see the light (even when we dont like light )...

SO ! my main suggestion for you right now, would be to try to sleep even when you feel you cant or dont want to... just close your eyes and before you realise it, you will be sleeping... cry before if needed...

Tomorrow you'll feel better and clearer...

AND

If you really feel like this is like... hum... a mania, please seek professional advice.. somebody who can help you understand sometimes unfortunately, we cant be in good terms with some folks... not our faults, but theirs

Manias come in any form and size... so, maybe you are just obssesed and this obsession is causing you to feel bad, so this is not good... (any obsession is good I guess).

Hi Manda, sorry you're having a hard time.

Unfortunatly, most of the ex's of the world have a hard time being friends afterward. And if one of them doesn't want to be friends, they usually don't change their minds about it. It just shows how petty they are if they're not willing to try. I know it doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

Not everyone in the world has to like you though, because there will still be plenty of people who love and care for you.

I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.

Hi Manda...great to hear from you. I'm sorry you are ruminating over your past experiences...old habits die hard and I have been where you are now. I know that Lonely1 has also. Finding a way to break that cycle of beating ourselves up and giving away our "power" to those who don't deserve our time is difficult. And Blue is right about being tired.

You deserve better, you need to stop beating yourself up. I know it's easier said than done but remember that you aren't alone...we care and are here for you.

HI Manda... I hope today was a little better for you...

and I truly hope you can break away from the old patterns that once again are overwhelming your life....

hang in there... we really are here to listen...

something must have triggered you again... try to figure it out and beat it down with a big stick (HA, easier said, I know!)

... something that has helped me is to talk... and to have others remind me that I can and will change that pattern much quicker than I did last time... and each time, it gets a little easier....

... just remember, this is about YOU - and how you think about yourself... it really isn't about how others think about you... because you can't think their thoughts... so, don't assume....

love yourself dear Manda... xo Addy

Thanks for the replies everyone. You're right Blue - the night time can be a very lonely time. I get frustrated because I'm actually in a relationship with a GREAT guy. But for some reason, these demons haunt me. I'm not trying to cheat on him or ANYTHING like that. Like I said, I just want everyone to love me and talk to me still (I'm over exaggerating, but you get it).

Alffe...you're right! I always give away my power. I hate it. I don't get why I can't stop. These people clearly don't deserve ANY part of me....yet I keep doing it....keep trying to contact....ugh....

Addy, you're right. I need to find the trigger...I think I rely on people that I shouldn't. One of my exes will respond from time to time because he knows what I'm like (my current bf doesn't understand nor has he seen me as bad as I was last year). So my ex will respond....and then I'll write back and then he'll stop responding. Why do I keep contacting him as a crutch when I know he always ends up disappearing and making me feel awful? I don't know. But I want that reliance to go away.

Thanks Lonely1 for the response and thoughts. Means a lot.

I should really start posting more. I feel like I keep myself busy but still have a bunch of issues that are just being put aside because I'm busy. Probably an excuse I make for myself, "Oh I'm too busy to deal with it." I'll try writing more. It helped me so much last year.

Debating meds again....ugh.....

Wanting everyone to love you, wanting everyone to like you, wanting everyone to be happy...I'm married to someone who is a lot like that Manda and I know it can be exhausting. You cannot "fix" the world but you can't help but try.

David says it best....you take care of YOU.

Dear Manda... the first step, as you know, is to recognize you have a problem....

you're recognizing it... bravo!

Now, the next step... yeppers, you guessed it ... therapy.... here, there, and everywhere...

... and hand in hand with that, dear Manda, sometimes comes Meds....

your mind is missing that secret ingredient that keeps it from those ruminating thoughts that tear up your insides...

I wish there was a secret ingredient that worked for all of us... sigh...

Addy

tears up your insides - perfectly put. that's exactly how i feel. i wish they'd leave my head.
i need to find the courage to start meds again....sigh...

MandaC

Hanging on to the past is a natural thing [its what we know, what we are familiar with] the present and future scare us because its unchartered waters...into the unkown.&.scarey.....

But the past is just that...= the past, and at times as safe as it may appear it is best left there=in the past.

we dont often leave people to return, we leave for a reason [remember the reason for leaving before contacting the past] if it is cope-able then return....if it opens up heartache...=best left alone

Wanting to be liked and not scorned is a natural human trait, and being friends with anyone even ex-boyfriends is a good thing & not a problem [just so long as you remenber they are no longer your boyfriend...but a BOY------FRIEND] This way any new boyfriend will both understand and cope with that relationship.#

MandaC.......you will get through this i promise you....


David