[thelonely1]

My mind has re-calibrated itself. It has been stuck in misery for so long, this is now how I feel normaly; I can't imagine feeling any better then miserable. That fact doesn't even make me feel sad anymore, it's just a fact, like 2 + 2 = 4, something obviously true but elicts no emotional response whatsoever. Sometimes I feel worse then miserable, but mostly I just feel nothing, numbness.

The only reason to ever get out of bed is to go to work. The only reason to work is to make enough money to support myself. I want to support myself so I don't ever have to interact with another person. Every day it's harder to talk to people, there's just nothing for me to say, and it's not worth the effort of trying.

Nothing is ever worth the effort of trying. I tried to get better once... I tried to make friends once... so much effort and absolutly no benefit. Even posting here is usualy too much effort. It takes me forever to sort out what I want to say, word it in a way that makes sense, check the spelling, phrasing... it takes so much time for me. I'm typing now in a rare fit of effort. I don't expect anything to be better afterword. I just have some time to kill... some worthless, worthless time.

Nothing brings me joy or fulfillment. I don't really want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. (who would want to be around me?) How long until working isn't worth the effort? When will I just say **** it and go live on the streets? Would anyone even notice? Not likely. How long will it be before I can't feel anything at all? How long before I can't tell the difference between right and wrong? How long before I slip into complete psycopathy, the inability to feel human emotion; I may as well be a robot, except robots are built to serve a purpose.

And what do I expect people to say to this post? I certainly don't expect anyone to be able to help me, and even if they might, I don't want to exert the effort to get better. Happiness is never going to happen to me, I am 100% positive. And I know, I can't know what the future holds, but it's been23 years and I've yet to find out what happiness even feels like. I'm begining to think it's just another one of those lies parents tell their children to preserve their hope and innocence.