[Patti_Christmas]

I know that I am not the only person in the world that is suffering. I know that there are others that are far worse then I am. I know the pain involved when someone wants to take their own life, or the life of others.

Years ago, I watched my now 17 yr old son struggling. He attempted 3 times at a very young age. This was due to abuse in school and medication he was placed on to try to help him overcome the problems. He is fine now, but as a mother, I still worry greatly about him.

So, I can understand the anger and fear. I know that suicide is a selfish act, leaving the loved ones to put the pieces back together. To try and understand why - to try to see what is so bad about living that one would want to inflict such heartache on the people that love them.

Part of me understands why people attempt or take their own lives. While it causes heartache for their loved ones, it stops their own pain and heartache. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines while life is quickly passing me by. I miss my life - I miss being able to do what I want to, I miss working - most of all, I miss feeling.

This battle in my head is making me crazy. The pity-parties that are going on in my mind with only me there is horrible. The crazy thoughts running through my mind lately - the anger, the hate, the jealousy. I love my family above all else, but I am angry with them. I am jealous, and somedays, I hate that they can laugh.

I hate it when they can't do things because they are with me, taking care of me. I hate it when they go off and do things after I insist. I get mad at them when they come home and try to share with me what happened.

I know that I am not capable of hurting myself, but I wish I could. I feel like it's time - I don't want to hate my family, I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to drive people away. What is better - the pain and heartache from driving them away or the pain and heartache from not being here?