[Patti_Christmas]

I know that I am not the only person in the world that is suffering. I know that there are others that are far worse then I am. I know the pain involved when someone wants to take their own life, or the life of others.

Years ago, I watched my now 17 yr old son struggling. He attempted 3 times at a very young age. This was due to abuse in school and medication he was placed on to try to help him overcome the problems. He is fine now, but as a mother, I still worry greatly about him.

So, I can understand the anger and fear. I know that suicide is a selfish act, leaving the loved ones to put the pieces back together. To try and understand why - to try to see what is so bad about living that one would want to inflict such heartache on the people that love them.

Part of me understands why people attempt or take their own lives. While it causes heartache for their loved ones, it stops their own pain and heartache. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines while life is quickly passing me by. I miss my life - I miss being able to do what I want to, I miss working - most of all, I miss feeling.

This battle in my head is making me crazy. The pity-parties that are going on in my mind with only me there is horrible. The crazy thoughts running through my mind lately - the anger, the hate, the jealousy. I love my family above all else, but I am angry with them. I am jealous, and somedays, I hate that they can laugh.

I hate it when they can't do things because they are with me, taking care of me. I hate it when they go off and do things after I insist. I get mad at them when they come home and try to share with me what happened.

I know that I am not capable of hurting myself, but I wish I could. I feel like it's time - I don't want to hate my family, I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to drive people away. What is better - the pain and heartache from driving them away or the pain and heartache from not being here?

[Alffe]

Patti...trust me, it isn't the answer. The lives of the people you love would be forever changed if you went that route. I "get" that you are beyond the limits of endurance and I pray that you forgive yourself for just being human. You don't want your life to end...you want your pain to stop.

[DMACK]

quote ;I don't want to hate my family, I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to drive people away. What is better -end quote


then dont ............................

Patti do the complete opposite of the above, love them, draw them near you and dont resent them...........................

We cannot make people feel for us.....we can only show we feel for them and then they respond accordingly.............

You are in deep despair....but love yourself first and gain the strength to love others in a better way.............

sending you much positive thoughts and a gentle

David

[Patti_Christmas]

I just wanted to say thank you all for not judging me, for not being mean about what I am feeling. Just being able to get it out helps some.

I have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic!! I will be seen on March 29th by Dr. Samuel Samuel (and I thought Christmas was an odd name ). Maybe there is hope - I owe it to myself and my family to try.

I feel a lot better, after getting this off my chest and after the kind words. Yesterday, I forced myself to go to the mailbox with my husband and my three adorable bostons. After that, I stood in the pasture area while he let our goats out. My little Evie-bug followed me every where and seemed to be protecting me and trying to cheer me up. She is our "baby", she is a year old now, but we bottle fed her and she was our first baby. I helped deliver her and bring her into the world. She's pregnant now, and due to kid next month. Her "udder mudder" (I was the ba-ma) Snow, is due anytime. She was quite clingy too, but this means she is getting close to kid.

What really truly helped me, what made me smile, was watching my son's two month old Boer wethers. These guys don't have a care in the world, they were hopping around, racing, sniffing, nibbling on everything they could get their fuzzy little lips on. They are starting to trust us, come up to us, sniff us and let us pet them. It's sad though because they won't be with us long. My son shows that at fairs and goat shows, but because they are wethered (castrated), they don't get to stick around.

Watching them made me realize that life is too short as it is to be "wasting" time thinking about how to end my own. These two goats don't "realize" that they are possibly going to be sold at a fair to become someone else's pet or to become food for a family, they are just enjoying life today and will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I guess while humans are the "superior" race, with that superiority comes great pain and difficulties. I'm not ready to walk away, I just have to find something positive in each day to help me get back on track. My kids need me, my family needs me, and I need them - even if it means just watching on the sidelines, at least I can see who they become and how wonderful they are.

[Alffe]

Originally Posted by Patti_Christmas

I just wanted to say thank you all for not judging me, for not being mean about what I am feeling. Just being able to get it out helps some.

I have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic!! I will be seen on March 29th by Dr. Samuel Samuel (and I thought Christmas was an odd name ). Maybe there is hope - I owe it to myself and my family to try.

I feel a lot better, after getting this off my chest and after the kind words. Yesterday, I forced myself to go to the mailbox with my husband and my three adorable bostons. After that, I stood in the pasture area while he let our goats out. My little Evie-bug followed me every where and seemed to be protecting me and trying to cheer me up. She is our "baby", she is a year old now, but we bottle fed her and she was our first baby. I helped deliver her and bring her into the world. She's pregnant now, and due to kid next month. Her "udder mudder" (I was the ba-ma) Snow, is due anytime. She was quite clingy too, but this means she is getting close to kid.

What really truly helped me, what made me smile, was watching my son's two month old Boer wethers. These guys don't have a care in the world, they were hopping around, racing, sniffing, nibbling on everything they could get their fuzzy little lips on. They are starting to trust us, come up to us, sniff us and let us pet them. It's sad though because they won't be with us long. My son shows that at fairs and goat shows, but because they are wethered (castrated), they don't get to stick around.

Watching them made me realize that life is too short as it is to be "wasting" time thinking about how to end my own. These two goats don't "realize" that they are possibly going to be sold at a fair to become someone else's pet or to become food for a family, they are just enjoying life today and will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

I guess while humans are the "superior" race, with that superiority comes great pain and difficulties. I'm not ready to walk away, I just have to find something positive in each day to help me get back on track. My kids need me, my family needs me, and I need them - even if it means just watching on the sidelines, at least I can see who they become and how wonderful they are.

What a wonderful way to start my day Patti...thank you so much for sharing here. I love your avatar and was wondering if it was someone you "knew" *grin.

I'm adding you to my prayer list and sending positive thoughts your way for your apt. with Dr. Samuels (lol) And please know that this forum family (you are now a part of us) is a great place to vent...it's ok to say that life sometimes sucks!...we want to help pick you back up when you are down.

[Addy]

hi Patti!

I started to reply to you the first day that I read your post but the cyber world ate up my words when I hit some stupid key on this laptop... and being in the clutches of the depression demon, I simply didn't have the energy to re-write or arrange my thoughts again....

saying all this to let you know you are not alone...

and you are definitely NOT judged here! every single one of us has a story to share... and every one of us is helped by reading those stories.... helps us know we are not alone!

I am helped by imagining the scene you have painted... which reminds me of the opportunities I have to find simple pleasures around me - they are as joyful as seeing the first robin of spring!

I am helped by remembering that my attempts to finding a therapist also give me hope (as I see that same hope in your words!).

I agree, with all my being, that it isn't easy being a human... and its so nice to know we're not alone in our pain... or our pleasures!