In 2001 I went to live with my daughter who had 4 cats! We lost one of them to illness and one day while I was out my daughter Pam left (and I forgot to look on the refrigerator where we left each other notes). I was just about to panic when the kitchen door opened and there was Pam with her best friend pushing her wheelchair and the tiniest little tiger kitty sitting on her lap. She said "it's got to be 4 Mom!" We took a vote and named her Ruby. The first night she slept with Pam. The second nite she slept with me, and the third, fourth, fifth and sixth nites she slept with me. Pam said "she's your cat, Mom - she's chosen you." When Pam died two years later I found homes for the other three cats but kept Ruby with me. She has been a wonderful companion. Not only does she do all the things the others described in previous but in cold weather she sleeps under the covers with me. I buy big bags of Purina cat chow and Walmart also has some very inexpensive cat litter called Special Kitty. You can even leave a cat alone for a week-end if she has plenty of food and water. Come on Lonely - join the cat people!

So... I think I am soon to join two very exclusive clubs here on NT. The first one is for people who have lost someone to suicide, and the second one has gained many new members in the last year or two; this one is for people who's mothers have left this world.

My mother's choice may not be a conventional form of suicide, but there is no doubt about her intentions. She hasn't injested anything except for alcohol in the last twenty days or so. Today she stoped breathing and her heart stopped, her eyes turned completely yellow, (from white in a matter of minutes) and she hasn't regained conciousness yet. There's a very large chance she never will. This didn't happen by surprise, but there was nothing that could be done. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

I'm not angry or confused, how could I be? I would like nothing more than to end my own life, who am I to tell someone else they can't do the same? Maybe I just have good coping skills, but it appears that hypocrisy isn't one of my countless flaws.

Still, I would ask for your prayers... she was a good mother and wife before she was corrupted by alcohol. It would be no blessing if she pulled through only to grab a bottle and pick up where she left off. As horrible as this may sound to those of you who don't know the power of addiction, it would be far better for all those involed if she died today, then it would be if she decided to return to the life she lived yesterday.

Lonely1, I'm sorry. It's an awful "club" to belong too...so many mixed emotions, relief being one of them. I pray that your mother will find peace and I pray that you can find acceptance.

You have my prayers lonely. I hold you in my heart and prayers.

I'm so sorry about your Mother. You must be grieving even now. Please know that we are all with you in spirit.

((((Lonely1)))) .... you are wise and eloquent.
I am sorry for the sadness you are witnessing.
My dad, too, gave over his life to alcohol ... it begins as a choice and ends as an addiction and slow suicide.

I will pray for your mother today. I am sorry you have had to be witness to what alcholol does to people. My dad had the same problem and only quit toward the end of his life. May mercy be shown to your mom. ginnie

Dear Lonely1

I'm sorry to hear of your mom's plight and keep you both in my prayers, that you may both find peace. I leave the "nature" of that peace to be decided by a higher power.

As conditions go, neither of you are alone.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~ another cat person, but currently cat-less

Lonely1...have you ever kept a journal? I used to be very, very depressed and that's a big part of what helped me most. Yes, I finally did talk to someone professionally....it was as simple as talking to my best friend, since she's a psychologist. But I think the most important, consistent help in my own life has been the fact that I've kept a journal since I was a teenager.

It's good to talk to someone, sure...but, with a journal (or a spiral notebook, tablet, anything you want to write in), you can say whatever you want. You can be as honest as you want...maybe say things that you'd never admit face to face with someone else. You can rant and rave, swear, yell....anything's okay and the journal never judges. It never condemns, never criticizes, doesn't care if you're all dressed up...or if you are in bed. My journal's seen and heard a LOT that my friends haven't...and things that they never will. But it's okay. Sometimes it's just nice to have that privacy of writing something out that you have the option of sharing (or not) with someone else.

I used to never let anyone else read what I'd written but, as time went on, I learned that it was okay to share all the feelings that I'd examined through taking the time to write them down. I was a child when my grandfather committed suicide and, though I've never talked about it with anyone , I could write about it and come to understand it. My mother died when I was a very young teen and I could pour all that pain and abandonment into those same pages.

The same pages have also been with me as I fell in love for the first time, had my first child, first grandchild, experienced so many "firsts"....things that I might not completely feel open enough to share with someone I didn't really know well. I don't know how you feel about that, Lonely1, it's worked so well for me; parts of them have been published....just random things, but that, too, has been my decision. I've written about the good as well as the bad and it's helped so much.

Maybe this will work for you, too, if you're interested. It's nice to be able to go back and read through things later, too, and see how things have turned out. Sometimes you can see how so many things in your life seem like a puzzle and how they come together to get you to the place you are today. I hope that you consider it.

That's great advice for all of us hippiechick...I'm sorry I didn't do it years ago. Thank you.