Hi everyone,
First I would like to thank everyone who replys to my posts. I am usually a lurker, but sometimes I am in such despair that I feel like I will explode in a really bad way.
Maybe some of you remember my story. I have been fighting with myself for many,many days to find a reason to continue another day. So far I have won, but the darkness is there....always. Maybe some people won't understand why I stay in my current situation, but Ihave exhausted the things I think I can do. I was denied for my ssdi by the judge. He didn't believe me. I had just been dx with MG a couple of months before that, and I amstill trying to understand it. I am also hypothyroidism, many areas in my neck and back that cause problems. I have had 2 mental breakdowns. One I was hospitalized.
I was a single mother who raised my kids alone. I never received any child support, even to this day. I was always too proud to accept help from anyone. So for me to be reduced to being unable on some days even to take a shower, let alone work to take care of myself has really been hard.
I find myself living with my sisters and bro-in-law. My parents both passed in 2010,which is still very hard for me. My oldest sister does not believe I am sick. I should still be able to be her "slave".Her "help" comes with so many strings that I am choked by them. She does the least amount for me that she has too. I know she doesn't have to do anything for me, but she will tell anybody she would not be alive if it wasn't for me.
She was dying of cirossis of the liver and her husband was letting it happen. I called the University of Omaha, and pleaded with them to accept her. They did. That was 15 years ago....she got her new liver, and I was the only one there while she was having the surgery..
I know suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problem,but my problem is not temporary. and I have no one....I am going to check out the MDA website today and see if I can get help...options..
I also know that I write on some of these forums, and then I won't even get on the computer for days. For this I am sorry. Sometimes it feels like so much pressure for others to know....please don't have bad thoughts about me.
deb

I'm so glad you are still here, fighting. It takes great courage just to survive those thoughts. Are your children nearby...or reachable?

Thank you Alffie,
Yes, I am still fighting. My kids are all grown with families of their own. It is hard to raise a family in todays world. I didn't give them a great start into adulthood either. All my money went for providing for them, so no help with a 1st car, apt, insurance. Nothing like that. I have 2 sons 30 and 28 and a daughter 29. I don't want them to have to have the worry of me on them along with everyday living. I am trying to find a church. I am trying to find something..Sometimes the hardest thing is to be alone in a roomful of family.
I still miss my mama and daddy so much, and I am just having a pity party. So many other people need support more than I do.
Thank you again........
deb

Deb, it isn't a pity party at all...this is the place to share what you are feeling and to be reminded that you aren't alone.

I'm glad you are looking for a church. I don't have one and miss it terribly, was very involved at our church with their many activities.

28, 29, and 30!!! boy were you kept busy when they were 1, 2, and 3!!
Don't underestimate your importance in their lives....my Dad always told us that FAMILY was the most important thing.

Stay in touch...I worry when people don't check in.

Hello Alffe,
I want you to know I absolutely love your avatar!! It makes me smile. You know Iwas very busy as a single mom, and I had so much pride and stubborness that I moved to New York City first, then Boston, then Houston,Newport news....the list could go on and on. I had a fire in me to go out and conquer the world...mine and my kids world. I did. I got knocked down alot, but I was young and strong, so I got back up, dusted myself off, and continued with more conviction than ever before.
I can say that is my proudest achievement. My beautiful kids. They have a work ethic that impresses anyone they come in contact with.We were the 4 muskeeteers. Their father walked away when they were 2,3,and 4. He never looked back. Now he holds benefits for autistic kids, and veterans. I am glad he is finally helping someone, but why couldn't he love his kids? It's ok that we didn't work, but to walk away from a part of yourself. I still have issues....Today was a better day. I did some much needed cleaning. My sister has gone out of state so the house is peaceful. I don't have as much noise in my head that I can't think straight...
I didn't geet to go on the MDA site. I will even volunteer for a study for myasthenia gravis....
Thank you Alffe....you made me feel like you really cared about me...it makes a difference. I will check in. Sometimes it is very hard for me to connect with people, but I am trying to get better.
So thanks lots.....you helped....and Alffe....your dad was right.....family is the most important thing in the world......((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
deb

I had been depressed most of my life; but not until the birth of my third child did I know what depression really was. I finally had gotten the son I wanted; yet could hardly wash the floor or do the simplest of things at times. I didn't know about post partum depression at that time. Didn't go for my 6 week check up after his birth. Saw a gyny 9 years later; who said I must have gone thru terrible post partum depression.

The hole can seem so dark; but one day I visualized myself crawling out of the dark hole and into the light. I still struggle with depression; but never again to that extent; but it helped me to understand the despair one can go through.

What helped me then and for years afterwards when the depression was getting very bad was just getting out of the house. Even if only to look in store windows or just smile as I passed someone. You may even find yourself while on a walk in front of a Church. Go in.....just sit there and let peace fill you.

I know things may seem impossible for you at this time; but please look for the light...it is there; but you have to reach for it with all your might. The fact that you post on this site shows how badly you want to fight this. You obviously are a fighter.

Please keep sharing. We all need one another. You are important; don't ever forget that.


Gerry)