Dear dear Addy...we try to be "hero's" in this life...and suprisingly eough, we sometimes succeed. Our instincts, if we listen to them, tell us where to go, what to say . We can take the easy path, ignore our gut feelings, or we can "follow the crowd" or we can say "NO!, loud and clear...it isn't easy to be a "hero", but it's important to try.

((((Addy))))

What would life be like without voices making themselves heard.

I hear you loud and clear. We could compare living quarters if you like and then maybe you would feel better. I live in a pigsty. I no longer clean. I do dishes when I run out of stuff to eat on. It's pretty...well pathetic, but I'm hoping the energy strikes me sometimes. So...I understand that.

ahhh... Doody - thanks for sharing this. I've noticed you talk about "it" (the mess we live in) and I think... wow, why has this happened to us? I would be absolutely mortified if someone knocked on my door - I would pretend I am not home.

I remember when I had a 5 bedroom/3 bathroom home - 3 boys, a husband, cat and dog.... every room was well taken care of - EXCEPT my own little ensuite bathroom... it was a disaster zone ... the only place I felt was my own.

I wonder if all our energy is taken on pretending and keeping our outside "mess" as perfect as we can dare try to make it... while in the meantime, our insides (mentally, physically, and inside our homes) is a disaster zone.

The medication I take for my depression has caused me to balloon - but without these meds, I would fall apart. My sister was prescribed the same med over a year ago (hers was pulled off the market) and she has ballooned... my tiny little sister - grew to my size. We finally put 2 and 2 together. She is going off the mediation - I dream to make the decision but know it would be disastrous for me.

I put off paying my bills (even when the money is in the bank), I put off doing my taxes (even though I'll get a refund), I put off cashing in my company shares (even though it would clear my credit card debt!)

I know this is my depression... and I know I am surviving. And another thing I know is that I MUST remove the daily triggers of anger and abuse out of my life - my job. I have managed to pacify and turn many people into understanding that they aren't as mad at my company as they are at themselves for their foolish/greedy/vulnerable/poor decisions. I'm simply exhausted and drained... I am sick of being a hero. It has turned my world inside out.

I cannot tolerate people yelling at me. It is inexcusable.
I cannot tolerate being the target of anger. I did nothing.
I cannot put myself in their place - because I would never be in their place.

thanks everyone... this is helping me a ton...

I phoned in sick to work on Friday - my friends are telling me to take a stress leave again (and to concentrate on getting the new gov't job) - but of course, I'm afraid that if the new job caught wind that I was on a stress leave, they would avoid me ... aaarrrgghhhh

xoxo for now my friends,
Addy

Addy

I boast about quitting that corporate job because it was a clean break, although my boss caught me walking out the door. There was no arguing, no crying, no pleading to stay that would turn into it being my fault for leaving. When I told him sternly I was going home, he asked if I was coming back - asked if I wanted to talk about it. I calmly told him "no," then turned my back and walked out. I never spoke with him again.

Oooooh, I was so proud of myself. Fear struck when I realized future interviews would be difficult, especially if they were able to contact my boss directly. He would have also instructed their Human Resources to say something nasty. I had references from two senior vice presidents, but they both walked out too - one went back to California, the other to Wisconsin.

I decided to take my chances and be honest. I said the same thing you said. I couldn't support him yelling at everyone - it's inexcusable. I couldn't support him taking out his anger on his employees to feed his power trip - they did nothing to deserve his ridicule. I couldn't put myself in their place, because financial wealth shouldn't be the only goal in life - or a reason to sacrifice life.

I got right back into the hospital where I used to work, working in Administration. They could have easily looked up my previous work record. Some of them knew me, but the people I interviewed with didn't know me from Eve - so I hope it wasn't clout that got me back in.

The woman I worked for had a heart of gold, and it was an honor to work for her. Even stressful days were good days because we were on the same page where it counts.

I'm not sure what type of government job you're going for, but I don't see how your reason for leaving is bad - unless their looking for the heartless-greedy-gambler type. If they were to get wind of you taking a stress break, it would only show you're more than ready to move on and work for them.

Thought I'd just toss in my bid for the day.

KathyM... you make sense for me... thanks for that!

Well, actually, you ALL have made sense for me.

I've experimented with removing the things I enjoy - my chorus, my friends, my sons, my personal upkeep, entertaining, cleaning. They are my sanity- my life line... and I'm struggling to hold on to all of them...

and instead, I hold on to an abusive job.

duh

I can't hold onto this abusive job any longer... internally, its a mess.

and so am I.

It it is to be, its up to me.

stay tuned ... xo Addy

(((Addy))) One thing I do know is that we are creating more mental stress for ourselves by not cleaning. Cluttered homes clutter the mind, I think.

And the job. Lordy, working for bullying, abusive people is so depressing and you wonder which way to turn. I had a union to turn to twice and placed in different offices and ended up going through 3 abusive bosses. No, it wasn't me. One was disciplined and ended up moving. That bassard was so bad he even locked my office door to yell at me and pounded his finger on me to make his point. Only one of many awful things he did. The other boss was forced to retire, and the 3rd...well, she's still there but now I work for HER boss and learned I'm not the only one disgusted with how she treats people. And, finally, in an office that's pleasant. I just want to sit and stay there until I can retire.

Things snowball and undermine the depression we already have going on in the first place.

I'm sorry about your antidepressant. So many of those darned things do that. You and I talked about Paxil wayyyy back when in BT EIGHT years ago! That stuff put weight on me like a houseafire. Getting off it required months of titration but I finally did it and went on....I just forgot. Oh, Cymbalta. My jury is still out on it even after a year and a half, but I have taken off 14 of those Paxil pounds.

My daughter struggles with weight from an antidepressant as well.

You have a lot going on, and I can just see your little arms and legs a flailing outside that snowball rolling down the hill. The collective snow will melt away and you'll come out a little bruised but ready to go again.

I hear ya on the homefront. I went for months not even answering my phone. Best friends would call and I would not answer. The only people coming into my home were my parents or my daughter. Depression can suck the life outta ya.

Isn't it nice to know, though, that people here really care. I hope that helps.

Addy,
My goodness let it go!! It was like I was in your head, what a rush.. You are so true about the people on this board, they are the best. Like I told Shelly; this our common ground. We have nothing to fear here.. We all know where your at, and fight it every minute..

Peace,

Dear Addy
I don't have words of wisdom..I just wanted to say that i hope you are able to stop struggling soon and make the right choice .
The "right choice" for your peace of mind,that is.

I gave you and Doody thanks,even though everyone has made some very good points.
I wanted to let ya'll know that you have helped me understand some things{in my life} in reading your posts!
So,i wanted to thank you both...
Take things one day at a time,even though you need to think about your future..Don't spend all of your "time off"dwelling too hard on it.Afterall,your suppose to be resting!
Take care

I repeat Addy...it isn't easy to be a hero and say NO! You have to be your own advocate ....everywhere. Venting here is great but in real life we can't "unring" that bell

It's hard to break bad habits but you owe it to yourself, regardless of getting the new job...to get rid of that stress.

I'm fighting today... didn't go into work
instead, I am working on the mental clutter.

I can't thank you all enough for the pushes and encouragement and support.

Kell - thanks for the thanks... even if we haven't walked the same path - we still learn and grow from supporting and reading here in this forum



A lot of thoughts going through my head - and I'm prioritizing.