I haven't been here for a long while... and I probably won't stay for very long. I just want to talk to someone, to share what I'm feeling, and there is no one in my life that I want to share with.

I took a bunch of pain killers, and drank a few shots of alcohol. I'm just trying to escape from reality for a while, it's working a little I guess, but not much. The effects don't last very long, only a few minutes really. I'm still completely coherent, I can still think clearly, and I'm still perfectly coordinated. There was never even a real "drunk" or "high" feeling. I guess I'm just not capable of feeling good. Isn't that what's supposed to happen when you do these things? Aren't you supposed to feel good? It does feel a little like if I fall asleep I'll never wake up.... maybe I should fall asleep.

I don't know why I feel the need to share this with everyone, I can only go so long with zero human contact. The experiences in my life that are worth talking about are very few, and very far between, and this isn't something I plan on doing a lot. I just want to know why people do these things. I just want to feel like a normal person feels.... guess I can't.

I would love it if I didn't have to live for very much longer. I don't want what I can have and I can't have the things that I want. I'm sorry to be gone for so long, only to come back with this weird post. This is messed up even for me.

Sorry

I am worried about you! please checkin when you are able to.
Do you have a therapist to talk to? I would haighly recommend that if you don't they are there to listen and give you feed back.
I am sorry that you are hurting.
bizi

I'm sorry that you're hurting so much too.
Please do check in.

I don't think people are supposed to feel good when they take meds and alcohol like that. I think it's done to make a person numb and it's obviously not "comfortably numb". Numb doesn't get us anywhere. I hope you will talk to a professional immediately and I'm glad that bizi was here earlier to respond to your post.

I was wondering about you recently as I didn't recall seeing a post from you in a very long time.

One day I hope that you tell us more about those experiences you mentioned that you feel are worth talking about. You've never really talked come to think of it. I wish you would.

p.s. You've been feeling like this for years and years now. It's awful. Please get some professional help, lonely1.

Please listen to the posts from people above.

If you feel depressed then alcohol will only make the depression worse and I speak from the years of experience I've had with my husband.

Please stay on here for awhile and just let it all out. We're here for you and we care. I've never met a more caring group of people in my life and this is the first time I've ever 'talked' on the internet to anyone. I am so thankful I joined this site in Sept 2013.

Reading your post just made my heart hurt for you.

Let us know how you're doing ok ?

Debi from Georgia

We've missed you.Stay with us a while - we can hold each other's hands.

You are not alone. we care about you here very much. We'd be honored to listen to what you have to say. PLEASE pop back on soon and let us know how you are doing.

Lonely1,
Alffe suggested a book on here some years ago called "Shoot the damn dog: A Memoir of Depression".

Here are a couple of quotes from that book courtesy of Goodreads.

Hello, and we will be here for you. Please please, do not drink and take those medications. That is so dangerous to do. You would be better off here and talking, making some new friends. If you feel isolated, this is the best possible place to be. Feel free to PM me at anytime. Call your doctor if you really are having a hard time and get in to see him. Many folks here are alone, and we find great comfort in each other. I am alone too. You will be in my thoughts. Just don't mix those meds again with drink. It really can hurt you. I would rather be your friend. ginnie

That post sounded a lot more ominous then it was supposed to, sorry. I really drink less in one year then a normal person would on their average weekend. I know where all my limits and tolerances are, and I was nowhere near to them. I was just tired of the same old nothingness in my life; I wanted to feel something different for a little while. Most people drink for fun, but I don't understand it. I still feel roughly the same afterwards, the only difference is that I'll have less money, and my breath will taste like turpentine (because all alcohol tastes like turpentine as far as I'm concerned). The end result is never worth the effort.

The reason I never post anything is because I never have anything to say. I've posted everything already. Whatever I said three years ago is still the same today. There is nothing in my life worth mentioning. Every time I go to my dad's house and he asks "what's new," the answer is always the same amount of nothing. I have no hobbies. No interests. I don't enjoy doing anything. I do nothing fur fun. I've said all of this before, it's still true, it will be true in 15 years if, God forbid, I'm still alive for some reason. I have literally nothing to contribute to any conversation, both here and in real life. The only purpose of today is to make tomorrow happen. The only purpose of tomorrow is to make the next day happen. The next day is my day off, so I will do nothing but wish I didn't have to do anything the day after that.

This is the endless, pointless cycle of my life. I would like nothing more then to make it stop, but in order to do that there would have to be something that I actually wanted to do. I have no idea how I've stayed sane in the seven straight years of this since I started counting, and I sort of wish I wasn't sane, because it has to be better than this. It can't possibly be worse.

Thank you all for your concern, but I'm afraid there's no cure for my life, and there's nothing I can do to make any of your lives better, so I stay quiet and try not to make anyone else's life more miserable then it has to be.

thank you for getting back to us here....needless to say you had us worried for you.
I really wish you would think about getting a dog. they show unconditional love for you and require your love and attention back. A dog could give you a reason to live and bring some real joy to your life.
Why not give it a try?????
You could rescue a dog from the pound and bring it back if it did not work out.
bizi