Sam,

I'm continuing to try my positive approach. It's next to impossible to be positive when you feel like this, like nothing is real. I just continue to tell myself that this is real, that I will get through it, and that I will do so by being positive. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm starting to find some light in the tunnel.

I know that acting like everything is OK doesn't make it OK. Especially when you know that if everyone thinks that you are fine, then they will treat you as such, and it will make your life harder, if that's possible. But if you try and convince yourself that you are OK, then eventually your brain will catch on. That is my theory at least.

You are young and have plenty of time to rewrite your neuropathways. Every second that you can go on without thinking about your condition is a second under your belt in the right direction. I hope that your therapist will be able to help you. Please continue to let us know how it goes.

Best of luck.

-Peter

Yes Sam
i do know how you feel
it has been with me too all my life
"it" frustrates me to no end
you a young man have an upper hand
you recognize it
and are also going through the process of ELIMINATION
just know the odds are on your side
how frustrating it is not having control of our own mind
command it to do something
and nothing
i have learned so much more about myself since becoming ill physically
but all the other "stuff" that now surfaced and my body being off chemically
such as the OCD, hormones that it be too much or too little
HORMONES are a big deal on so many levels
never give up
fighting the fight
you don't have to go it alone
you are helping me and others
with you sharing
don't stop
love
me

I choose to suffer alone because I know my husband won't understand what I'm going through, I can't predict how he'll react, and I want to protect him. I tell him only what he needs to know. I do have a couple of confidants, but I can't share everything with them. I rely heavily on the support I receive on the bipolar forum.

Choosing to suffer alone is a hard way to live. It's much easier to face problems when there's a support system in place. Isolation leads to feelings of loneliness, which is yet another issue to deal with.

Are you allowed any privacy if you feel you need to cry? It is a good way to release emotion, and many people feel better after a good cry.

I can under stand not wanting to get trapped in the 504 plan. It shows that you are optimistic that treatment will help you, and when you feel better you don't want to continue to be treated as someone who still has problems. As long as your teachers understand, and you are able to find accommodations outside of a 504 plan, I can understand you rejecting it.

I understand your frustration… sometimes life can be so overwhelming that everything can become a chore. It's a common symptom of depression. And when life becomes unbearable, it's natural to ask "why me?" Of course, there is not answer to this question, but when I find myself asking it, the only thing that has worked for me is trying to remind myself of others who are much less fortunate than myself.

Hang in there Sam

Thank you for this post OhKay.



I am allowed privacy in my room, that's where I normally cry. But when I was writing that last post I was on the computer in my "family" room you could say. Basically the computer is in the middle of the room and if I started balling no one would understand why. Plus no one really in my house understands my suffering besides my mom. Everyone else just thinks I have anxiety... not knowing the horrible nightmare state I am in 24 hours of the day.


I just don't know. At this point in the game it's so hard for me to rap my brain around on what the hell is going on.


Therapy is not really working yet. All the techniques we are trying to try to reduce the depersonalization do nothing.. I have so much I want to tell my therapist, I want to tell her all my social issues with my friends, all my past memories, all my worries, I just want to cry and tell her EVERYTHING. But I can't. I just don't feel that comfortable with her yet. Especially this week. She wants me to hang out with my friends but what she really does not know is that I have none.



I just want her to understand what I'm going through, and I feel like If I could get the courage to tell her everything she would realize what I'm dealing with is much worse than it appears and maybe have a different approach on therapy?


I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! Those are the words I constantly say on a daily basis. Nothing freaking makes sense to me now. I have so many questions and don't know any of the answers.

hi sam,
May I suggest that you write out some of what you posted here. Write out what you are feeling experiencing...lack of friends...etc. maybe a list that you could then read to her. using the sheet of paper as a buffer between her and you. And that way you can think about what you think she needs to know what it is that you are going thru.
You could spend a lot of time writing this note and even send her a copy of it to read ahead of time if you wish.
This is just a suggestion.
sorry it is so hard for you.
bizi

I agree with Bizi….

Write these things down. They may be easier to read to her. It may be much easier to just take a deep breath and hand the sheets of paper to her. That way you can cover your many concerns all at once and you can begin to address them one at a time together- starting with what is most important to you at the time.

The journaling alone may be helpful to you.

Good job Bizi
Awesome idea
Love
Me

You have nothing to loose
Sam
Love
Me

Hi Sam,

I agree with bizi and Kay that you should try writing your feelings and issues down for you Therapist. You do not even have to read it out, type a list with bullet points and hand it to her to read. Do not be embarrassed about this approach, I wrote to my Dr just last year about a subject I was too uncomfortable bringing up unrehearsed.

This will open a dialogue and get things moving.

Dave.

Hi guys,


I have my next therapy tomorrow.


I'm going to try what you all are recommending. I wrote everything down that I wanted to tell her tomorrow, I cried writing it and I expect I'm going to break down and cry just having her read it. I did not write down everything that's killing me and going on in my life, because that would take hours because there is so much going on.


I don't know. It's going to be weird crying very hard to someone I don't know that well yet.