Thanks OhKay,


Writing this I just want to cry. Like you said my anxiety level is really high and I just feel like pure ***** all the time. The combination of the depersonaliztion, epilepsy, anxiety, is just killing me.


I just been feeling like I think way to much all the time, I don't understand this whole thing we call "Life" anymore. It's way too complex and it just hurts my brain just to think about it all... what's even the point of my existence? Why the hell does life matter if were all just going to die anyway? I just don't understand...



And more about school...
Still failing half of my classes... yay! *sarcasm*

My mom understands that It's hard for me to keep up my grades cause I feel horrible all the time, but my father just does not see it. He says that I look fine and think fine so three is no excuse for my horrible grades. Honestly, don't care if he punishes me at this point cause what do I have to loose? I don't have any friends I have to be seeing and my life is already pointless so what do I care?

Oh Sammy
I want to hold you so tight
And tell you everything is going to be alright
Everything
I am much older
And I still do wonder
What is my purpose
I'm getting it
I think in my case
Later then sooner
You are suffering in fear
And that is scary
But I promise
If you just hang on no matter what
It does somehow make us stronger
It may not make any sense
But there is a purpose
Wouldn't it be an awesome thing
With all the advances made in my lifetime
Just amazing
I remember being your age and wondering what kind of a mommy I would be
My children have their health issues
Something hard for me to watch
And I remember how being my age fifty five was old
I'm not
You have to live it to understand
And that is just one example
You have to live it
I wish your trip into growing older be of happiness

And know I love you
It will be alright
You will get it

please don't give up hope....
you have a full life ahead of you.
continue to be patient...it takes time for meds to do their thing and titrating up slowly is the way to go. We don't want to have you over medicated.
Have faith that you will feel better....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Some people, like your father, aren't able to understand the hurdles people face if they can't see tangible evidence a problem exists or if someone isn't diagnosed with a widely understood condition. I'm sure that his lack of understanding is hurtful. I'm sorry for that But I'm glad that your mother is supportive.

When your mind is racing or you start to have dark thoughts, Try reminding yourself it's just your anxiety and depression ****ing with you. It seems to make things easier for me sometimes.

What are you doing now to try to distract yourself from these kind of thoughts?

To distract myself I've just been doing the same stuff. Playing video games, listening to music, and exercising.


I just don't see the point of all this suffering. I just want to feel better..

Patients my dear young friend
Patients
Things will happen
In time
Till then keep occupying yourself
Holding you up
Love
Me

Thinking about you
As I think about my childhood
And what would be going on
When coming into this country
and learning at the age of five
I would eventually became a citizen
My parents would have a cook out
And do not think they really understood
the magnitude of it all
Fireworks across the river when I was six and every year after that

What are you doing on this very special day

Hoping there are moments that "feeling" be lifted and gone
Like a blink of an eye
But you know you need to be patient
It will happen
You be well
Thinking of you
Love
Me

People of faith find comfort in God, and some tend to think that there is a reason for all things…

But I can't find that comfort, and I don't see the point of all our suffering either.

However, I am proud of all of the suffering I've been able to endure. It's a show of strength and resiliency. You are strong too, Sam. It is not fair that you have to go through all this ****, but you haven't given in. You have been doing everything you can to get better. You are a fighter.

I know things are taking a long time, and you just want to get better. You will. Just keep fighting

I'm glad that you are finding ways of distracting yourself. I don't know how you could do more…

I find deep breathing exercises helpful when I'm anxious. A breath in through the nose, out through the mouth is "one," the next set is "two," and so forth. It's simple, can be done anywhere, anytime, and can also provide temporary distraction.

Thinking of you Sam

Kay

Hoping you have some clarity
and that you are able to smile in your day
Thinking about you
and your braveness
It is a good thing you know
yourself
As only you do
I am hoping you have done some homework
on the findings
So much knowledge

Be well
Love
Me

Sam,

I know that I haven't written on here in a while, due to my own battle that I'm fighting, but I check in on your progress almost daily. Your condition reminds me so much of my own.

I was doing decent, feeling like I was improving, then in January one doctor chalked everything up to anxiety and depression, and I believed him. The put me on anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants, which all seemed to have negative effects on me. So they kept on upping my doses and adding different medications. The last 5 months have been a blur, and one of the medications even gave me full blown seizures.

Now my psychiatrist, my counselor, and my GP all agree that my condition is more physical than mental. Anxiety and depression play a big roll, but they have become intermingled with the physiological aftermath of the concussions that I received.

I now have physical sensations in my head at times that I would normally feel emotion. My brain seems to never shut off, and no matter what I busy myself with it seems to always be thinking about my condition; I don't even realize it most of the time. I haven't felt alive in months, I never feel rested, I feel physically sick and get headaches with slight exertion now. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me, which is one of the strangest things since I've been concerned with that for as long as I could remember. My memories are faded, I don't dream, and have extreme trouble focusing my mind on what I need to. I have no emotional attachment to anyone or anything. The things that have always brought me the greatest joy and peace are nothing but dust on the wind.

I used to be methodical, confident, exuberant, highly intelligent, extremely athletic, and emotional yet grounded. Now it's extremely difficult for me to take my dog for a walk around the block without feeling like death.

Yet I still do. And that is why I tell you all of this. I often feel like life has become meaningless, yet I remember that it used to have meaning to me. Whatever has been done can be undone. I have never laid down before, and I'm not going to start now, and neither are you. We will both be stronger men than anyone can fathom because of what we have been going through, you especially.

I was recommended to a neuropsychologist who, after our initial interview, has scheduled 6 hours worth of testing. Due to the fact that they are so booked up, I am waiting to hear when my testing will be. But what is a few more weeks or months of waiting in the grand scheme of things? The doctor will, to the best of his ability, try and determine what is best for me moving forwards. Until then and after, one day at a time.

I will let you know of my results soon after I get them myself, whenever that may be. I know that no two brains are alike, what may help one person may not someone else, but our conditions are so similar that I feel like if I find out how to help myself that it may greatly benefit you as well.

I hope that this provides you with another avenue of hope. I will continue to check in on you, and will update you on my progress as well, whenever I find out more.

Stay strong,
Peter