Dear David, I never expected this and am so glad you did. You hit the hammer on the nail, whether sad or happy "drink is always there"! And yes it really was as he ALWAYS had an excuse to drink. It was always there throughout our marraige. When I met him, he had a case of beer in his hands. He was drunk at our wedding and the first thing he packed in his overnight bag to take to the hospital for the birth of both his little girls was his bottle of whiskey. But it wasn't until the last few years that he became out of control. He was a "functionable alcoholic", able to fool everyone except me! Nobody could understand unless they had gone through what we had. In the end he was up to two 1/2 gallon bottles of whiskey a day in addition to numerous beers. He became someone I didn't even recognize. In the end I didn't even know who he was anymore, I just knew this was not the man I had married 17 years ago. But the most unforgiveable part of what was happening was what he was doing to the children and how I couldn't intervene, he wouldn't let me! The physical and mental abuse and loading them up in their carseats and driving them with an open container in his truck. I am the one who left him. I took the children and fled the home. For the next year and a half we fought through the courts. He became a monster and turned family and friends against me because no one really believed how much he was drinking. It took him so much to show any signs of intoxication because his system was so used to it. During his calls to his children he would pit them against me with vicious lies. Through all of this legal battle we lost everything! It was the power of the bottle that cost him his home, family, job and everything else. However, he blamed me for it all. I was his scapegoat for everything that went wrong. He could never own up to any fault or responsibility. In the end he drank himself to death and succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning because of his impairment to make a good decision.

I don't blame myself for any of this and loathe him for what he has done. We were a beautiful well-sustained family that turned into the most disfunctionable family I know. He was my best friend! He left two beautiful healthy little girls! He left me!

I am so glad you are still here, David. There is a reason for that. Whether it's your family sitting all around you or something yet out there, YOU have an impact whatever the reason.

Thanx for listening

So good to hear from you again. I just wrote a lenthly note to David hoping to help people better understand what has truly happened her. Im still learning this site and found that you can see all my postings on one page! Oh my, I really am computer illeterate!!! Anyway, I have responded to so many peoples emails of care and I guess I can have diarrehea of the mouth sometimes and really carry on.

In November of 2005 when things were really getting out of control, I called his brother (who is still here) and his sister (who died 2 weeks before my husband to alcohol) to let them know what was happening. They completely brushed away my thoughts. In June of 2006 I left a very detailed message on his brother's machine that I believed my husband to be suicidal and they needed to watch after him as I was making my plans to leave. No one returned my calls. My husband had a very large antique collection of guns and that was my biggest fear. When his body was found, there was a loaded gun next to him never discharged. This is why his family wants to believe this an accident. However so many clues have emerged since then that I know this was not an accident.

Yes, I believe suicide and alcoholism run in families. One of his brothers killed himself in October 1989. One of his sisters succumbed to alcoholism 2 weeks before my husband.

Oh, I so feel what you did with Michael and when at first when my husband died I just wanted to give everything up and join him, but as time went on and the clues started to emerge I couldn't keep away from my kids and felt the need to blanket them even more. Now I would never dream of leaving them. I'm all they have left.

Thank you so much for hearing me and helping me to better understand this tradgedy.

al anon? maybe?

nohope you got me to thinking about the children and I wonder if there are support groups for them....am away from my library that has all this information so will post it for you when I get home. I know that they are young but I was thinking play therapy...for your oldest child. What did you tell her about how he died? And how can she possibly understand.

I think you have a wonderful attitude...to even try to understand what he did to your family is nothing short of amazing. He was ill...that's no excuse but he was.

Thank you. Looking into that already

Thank you, that's all I've thought about since this all began is "what about the children"? Unfortunetly not having any family in town and limited resources as far as childcare and no child support over the course of the dreaded two years 2005-2007, my children were with me 24/7. For their safety they never left my side. Their father was only permitted one supervised visit a week with them. I have been reprimanded by friends and family because I chose not to keep secrets from my kids. That's my choice. It is not their place to tell me how to raise my children. I would rather them hear from me than from someone else or worse, through rumors at school. At the very beginning of our seperation, when I chose to flee the home for the safety of the children, my girls and I were homeless for 9 days while my husband refused to leave our 3600 square foot home. Finally the judge ordered him out one day before my oldest was to start 5th grade. I took the time to sit down and write a lengthy letter to the principle of the school to let her know what state of mind my 10 year old was in. I immediately got her into counseling through the school. Following her father's death, I went through the pediatrician for further counseling for both children. I am very proud of my girls. Through all this drama they are doing very well. They eat well, sleep well, have friends, are active and very open with me. My eldest even hit the honor roll twice! Now she is in 6th grade and holding onto a "A" grade overall. She is even volunteering at her old elementary school. My littlest I wish I could do more for though. We just moved again, 3rd time in 10 months. We know none of the neighbors and no little kids in the area for her to play with. Although we are active at the library and trying to get a scholorship at the YMCA, I have little time to entertain her as I am just so busy trying to keep us afloat.

My kids are great kids! I get compliments all the time of their manners. Even at restaurants people will approach the table to compliment me. I know their father had a great deal to do with their outcome too. Sara will never forget her father. She was wrapped around his finger since birth. However, Emma will forget as she came along at the beginning of his spiral downward. She does not understand "death" and often asks to see her father.

It's very difficult being a single parent with no one else out there who can help, but I find it very rewarding with their positive attitudes and love back.

Hope you are having a great day!

I think you are doing everything just right! And I especially agree about telling them the truth....rather they heard it from you then rumors later on.
You've protected them from day one and are a teriffic momcat..*grin

Now you just need to figure out what to do with the rest of your life..and you are entitled to have a life..you've paid your dues dear lady and one of your rewards are two splendid girls. You are blessed...believe it or not.

THANK YOU!!! Reminds me of a Christmas present I got just this last Christmas. It's a wall hanging which says "The best things in life are right in front of you".
They are my girls!

Telling children the truth is the right thing to do.......as later in life when they hear it ...........it can be a awful shock...and more damaging.

I'm a firm believer in that, your constant presence arround your children, will ease their sorry, comfort their pain, and brighten their future.

Dont be affraid to show emotion to them...just explain your feelings..

Children are clever in that they can decide for themselves, what is important and when...When they start giving you hormonal greif you'll know they are growing up and moving on with their own life.

If they ever feel the need to talk about their father...please allow them to do this, because not allowing will store up trouble.

Art therapy is a great way of expressing feelings, your youngest child may get a great deal from this.... dont be shocked by her pictures though.... their just her imagination, expressing her inner thoughts...harmless..and yet theraputic.

Your eldest child sounds a serious academic... congratulations, too your parenting skills......Grade A students also need 'silly time'...which i'm sure all three of you could do with.....entertainment is expensive ....laughter is free


And nohope....endevour to spend 1 hour a day on you.....healing takes a long time...........living takes forever................

David

Hi again Hope

My gosh, I see myself in your children - except for one important factor... I didn't have you for a mother.

It was in the 60's - my mom took me, my sister and brother (aged 9, 8 and 7) to a city 500 miles away... told us we were going on a vacation.... not telling us that we were leaving our alcoholic Dad.

She wasn't a mother who had any depth to understand the effect this would have on her children. She simply couldn't understand and I forgive her. I have a great bond with my sister and thank God we can talk about this together.

Hope, I am amazed at your insight... ! Thank goodness your children were born in another place in time... and they have you!

Continue to be brave