I don't mean to show any disrespect towards K's mom. She just said some things that were confusing and hurt me. But I know she's handling things in her own way. And I also know she must be hurting terribly inside. I saw my mom live with Mark's suicide day in and day out and she was never herself anymore. When I got older we talked and talked about it and she kept telling herself she should have known, we should have known. So I know that K's mom will eventually go down that road.

I don't want to go today Bizi but I feel I have to. I want her to know that I'm sorry for not being there for her. I want her to know that I cared.

I'm going to church now and they're going to saying K's name in the prayer intentions. And then Father agreed to sit down with me before I go and help me sort some things out.

And Alffe, no you're my hero

((BJ))

I'm so sorry your friend could find no alternative to relieving her pain. If you had dropped everything and rushed to her side, it might have delayed her actions - but only for that one night. You might have been able to relieve her pain for that one night, but you would not have been able to give her a will to live. You were her friend, not her savior.

All in all, you served your friend well. You provided her with a little sunshine, and she knew you cared about her. Sometimes that's all a friend can do - sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not.

Our thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

I'm glad you're going to talk to the priest before you go to the funeral. Remember that you won't be going there alone...we are all right there beside you.

I didn't for a moment think you were being disrespectful BJ...you were hurt and reacting to that hurt. I hope it's warmer there today and you and Hooper can take another walk later.

She's at peace. I never saw her really have a smile on her face like she did today. She looked really pretty and they hid all the scars and marks on her arms so you couldn't see them. I was totally out of my comfort zone. I didn't know anyone and just hid in the corner. People were crying hysterically but her mom just sat there staring at the coffin. It brought back such horrible memories of seeing my parents and Mark in their coffins but I couldn't pry myself away from there. I knew that after I left, they'd close the coffin and I'd never see her again.

I talked to a priest before I went, not the one that told me I'd never see Benton again but another one. I asked if she'd go to heaven and would God understand. He said "Thou shalt not kill and to take your own life is murder and forgiveness is really up to the Lord. Sometimes people go through many great ordeals that can't really be explained. They feel more than a loss of hope but, as well as a loss of life from within. So can there be forgiveness? I think that is a question that is really up to the Lord and that individual. The Lord loves all his children equally." So I think she's in heaven now with the angels and she's not in pain anymore.

I was proud of myself for holding it together. I just have to get through the funeral tomorrow. I feel like that little devil guy right now spinning round and round and round. How ironic, I'm a strawberry shortcake and I forgot my friend was in trouble.

More hugs and prayers for you BJ

I'm very proud of you. But I'm also very much thinking that you did
a great thing tonight, or today which ever it was.

I also believe that your friend is looking down now and watching
over you. Yes, I believe that she went to heaven, and the lord
is with her now.

See she was in pain and trying to get out and find hope.

And you had been reaching out to her, and she knew it.

So you were doing a good job, she didn't leave a message
because she didn't want you to feel like it was your fault.

And I'm proud of you for being able to be there for her.

Donna

I am too, a strawberry shortcake!

Bless your little heart for standing by and close to a very loved and cared about friend. It is God's decision and I feel her much at this point to be a very little child holding his hand. He will take her up high and she will be loved and welcomed to where she never felt welcomed before.

I really am concerned of her mother and I think, just like you feel, it will all come out in time. Bless her heart.

Know I will be with you in spirit tomorow at the services. I did not go to my husbands, I did not take my children either. I at that time, felt so crippling. However, in time, we will travel the 300 miles to daddy's burial. I cannot tell you my feelings about this, but will tell you my 11 year old will just be beside herself and my 4 year old will be playing.

I care and am so tremendously sorry. Gosh almighty. Just get through the next day. We are all here.

I just wish I could cry. I'm sitting here ready to burst and it won't come out. When my mom died do you know I didn't cry until the end of the funeral? I didn't cry at the hospital, at the viewing or through most of the funeral. Not until the priest asked me to throw dirt on the coffin did I lose it. People must have thought I was terrible but I couldn't get it out. My pdoc thinks losing my mom is what sent me on this bipolar roller coaster. But when my brother Mark committed suicide I cried for days on end, I let it out. But as I got older I tended to stifle my feelings because there's no one to listen anyway.

Nohope I can't tell you enough how sorry I am for what happened to your husband. And for Alffe losing her son or anyone else here that has lost a loved one to suicide. I'm so sorry for stirring up bad memories but I didn't know where else to go, I had no where to turn. I typed it all in then never pushed post because...........because. I can't even think straight now.

Dear blessed BP. Mixed emotions, I don't know. However, you will find your time to grieve. You knew her like no one else. You were there. I wasn't. I can only explain my grief of my husband and father of my girls. You loved her, I loved him. Where do we go from here? This site and everyone's will power to get us through the " next day". What now? I guestioned it, believe it, feel it, no matter, we all must take our OWN time to deal with it. Mercy

Take all the time you need, we all are here to listen.