Thanks everyone. I didn’t know this was here or I would have come sooner. I spent most of the day at Mark’s grave which is right next to my mom and dad’s graves. And believe me I have the sunburn to prove it. I put a NY Yankee helmet on his grave and a baseball bat.

This is so hard for me but for those that don't know, my brother hung himself in our bathroom and I was the one to find him the next morning. It was the day after his graduation from middle school. There was no clue that anything was wrong. His only dream was to pitch for the NY Yankees. My mom and dad talked to his coaches and teammates and they didn’t notice anything different. He was just Mark. He lived baseball, that’s all he thought about. He graduated, my mom and dad took pictures and then we went out. We came home and spent a little quality time together and then we all went to bed. And then the next morning I found him in the bathroom.

I sat at his grave today and talked and talked to him and told him I want to know why.

I want to know why you didn’t tell mom and dad you were in pain Mark. But more importantly why didn’t you tell me, we had such a strong bond and we were inseparable.

I want to know why you acted like all was well in the world when we were in Wildwood the previous weekend. No one saw anything in your eyes or behavior Mark to give us a clue to what you would do.

I want to know if you realize that mom and dad suffered over this. Not only did I lose you I lost them too. Mom was never “herself” again, always saying she should have known and she wasn’t a good mother. Dad, well he seemed to turn his back on me. I know he loved you better because you were a boy but he was my dad. But now you’re all gone and I have such emptiness in my heart.

I want to know why you keep coming to me in my dreams and telling me everything is okay. Mark everything is not okay, I miss you terribly.

I want to know that you’re in Heaven Mark.

I want you to know that yes I’m angry but I still love you.

I just put his pic in my album now that the whole world won’t see it. This was one week before he committed suicide. There were other pictures my dad took at his graduation but my mom destroyed them saying that wasn’t her son. This was my baby brother and the only thing on his mind was weather he was too sunburned to pitch that week. And he did and won two games. And today he’d be in his prime, pitching for the NY Yankees.

Looking through other's posts I see them speechless. They so feel your pain, but nothing they can do. Even though this was a while ago it is permanently etched into your mind. He was your brother. You were close. WHY? WHY? WHY? There was a reason that he held secretive and close to himself of why he would perform such tradgedy. He was not thinking of the aftermath and the damage he would do to others, he was just thinking of himself. Like all of us.

I am so sorry for your pain, but remember, he is in a much brighter place now. You love him and bringing him to our attention, we truly care. God bless Mark.

(((BJ))) Thank you for sharing that, I do know how hard it was. Your mothers reaction to Marks killing himself reminds me of my reaction when our son killed himself and my neighbors recent reaction to her son killing himself. My son wouldn't do that! And of course when the reality finally sinks in ....WHY???

We can't know for sure..at least not in this life. Some people have demons they can't live with and some people just tire of trying. I think our Michael killed himself impulsively, without any forethought, without any consideration of what it would do to our family...I think he just said "scew it" and reached for that gun.

I have no doubt that had they known what that act would do to their loved ones they'd still be with us. They made bad choices for reasons only they know for sure.

I like to think of Mark, upthere swinging that bat.

Talking about it BJ, is a good thing. Thank you.

What hurts the most Alffe is the "note". You are the only one I told what was in the note he left for me. My mom and dad went to their graves thinking there was no note. I couldn't put them through that knowing that Mark thought about it first. It wasn't much but it proved he "knew" what he was doing and planned it. I just can't figure out what could make him do it. He had the whole world at his feet and just let it all slip away. When my friend "K' committed suicide, I understood in a way. She was doing drugs, drinking and had no future. I tried to help her but she wouldn't let me. Mark never gave us that opportunity. That's what hurts, that's what hurt my mom so much.

I had a dream about him again last night. This time he was wearing the last shirt he had worn when I last saw him. He was watching me and my parents. I could not see my parents but feel they were part of the scene. I only could see him and me. Then he came by me. I was sitting in my garden and watching him. He said, in his very own voice, the same voice I hadn't heard for so long..."How are you? You should study more for that CPA exam and worry less about why I did what I did". I woke up in tears screaming at the top of my lungs that I can't just let it go.

(((BJ))) Remember always, when we say, "We can't, God can!"

Did you get that CD? It's really wonderful and helpful.

B.P. I am glad your sharing.
It brings back thoughts of what happend when I was in middle school and a friend Steven just got up went into bedroom and shot himself while a few of us freinds were sitting in livingroom. . He wasnt my brother but I have no words to say how I felt and no answers to my wonder of diffrent things.
Just know your not alone .
It is okay to be angry at anothers choice. in my case I do not think my friend was thinking ... was himself and gave no thought to his actions. I am angry about lots of things that happened that day and it was years ago.
Maybe in his way, Mark is trying to let you know... that he knows people are angry . Hes tryin to let you know he is in a better place, a better plane
where he isnt tied to the earthly conditons we all have ,like pain and illness and stuff like that. Who knows whats after life. I dont believe my soul or essence of me that is wraped in skin and bones. heck I dont believe my ghost is gonna party in heaven or suffer in hell. I think my energy is just gonna be out there free on another plane. But thats just me. I am a funny one
I Hope you have a better night tonight. and try to stay busy today , get some exercise a walk is good if you can get out for one.
Keeping you in my thoughts B.P. We all are and remember we are here for you when you needs us.
PEACE
BMW

bj, hugs first.

i lost my brother to cancer. not the same thing i know.

still so many what if's and wonders. even the anger that he didn't get it taken care of years earlier. we even have pictures of him and my uncles digging at a "wort" on his foot.

the why may always be unanswered or maybe someday he will come to you in a dream and release you from that pain.

i am have always been close to my kids and their friends. pre-teens and teens dn't always think their actions through. mark was thinking about it. that doesn't mean he understood at his age what those actions truely meant.

love you sweets.

(((((BJ)))))...

I can hear the burden you have carried in the knowledge of the note...your choice to attempt to protect and lessen the pain of your parents while enduring your own pain...

I, too lost a dear brother to suicide. Then, 3 years to the day later, my husband. Losing loved ones this way adds a unique weight to the loss.

I just want to offer the chance to lay the burden down that you carry. I believe that is what your dreams are trying to tell you.

Share all the pain and guilt and sorrow and anger and remembrance to the ones that you feel safe.

We are safe here. We understand. Lay the burden down, or let us help you carry it.

When you are ready...

Tamiloo and the Olhipie are praying for you today...

(((((((((((((((((BJ)))))))))))))))

I dint see this till today but oh my I have so been praying for you since yesterday especially when I heard this song on my zradio.com and you came so to my heart and mind

sending you much love and continued prayers lifted for you

may God remind you dearest BJ that you are not alone....


You're Not Alone by Meredith Adams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFfG9QUbEqM