(((BJ)))

This evening I thought about you a lot. And I realized that it was last summer when you sat in that garden for so long, staring at your Rose of Sharon. And it occurred to me how guilty I felt about that. I didn't say anything because I figured...well, nobody else has noticed it...only me. I shared with you a picture of my Rose of Sharon in my garden, a flower my sister loved. And I shared that one day while tending to the garden and watching my Rose of Sharon that I felt my sister's presence (and the pat on the butt, which she did to me so often when she was alive).

It was in the next days that you sat in that garden and lost yourself for hours in grief. You were covered with mosquito bites. And it was then you ended up in the hospital after that incident. I thought to myself...if only I hadn't shared my Rose of Sharon story, maybe she wouldn't have sat there for all of those hours grieving and being hurt with so many mosquitoe bites. Maybe she wouldn't have tipped over the edge and ended up in the hospital.

But, I know that isn't the case. My mind did entertain that thought though for a very long time. And I finally realized that I didn't have anything to do with it. My guilt was all in my own mind. Nobody else was thinking those thoughts.

All of us here worried about you, even though we were very glad that you had taken steps to get help. We were always so relieved and thrilled to hear from you when you had a chance to get to the computer there and update us on what was happening.

We were all so relieved when you got home and were finding some simple pleasures.

You've become a part of our collective soul here and we love you and we care. If you were to give in to your pain and leave us, ... well, I know that you know what devastation we would feel. It would add to the losses that we've all suffered.

When you lose someone, every loss after that seems to compound the hurt. Another death, another blow to the ever so fragile psyche. Another huge obstacle, another blow to that fragile psyche. I'm tellin ya, a lot of us know that nasty, nagging "I don't wanna wake up tomorrow' thought. I've been struggling with that on a fairly constant basis for a couple of years now and I don't like it one little bit. My strength is sapped. I feel so weary. And I find it difficult to share so just bits and pieces come out now and then.

I know you're weary too. Stay here and be weary with me and all of the others that find themselves in the same boat. I know it's difficult when we aren't at the computer to soak up the love and caring in these forums. It's a whole different ballgame when you're alone, in your home with noone else there.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say. The people in here have been with you every step of the way. We find arms open when we come here. I try to carry it with me once I shut this computer off, not always an easy thing to do.

I don't know if I've even asked if you have a good therapist at this time. I've said it before so many times but when you can find the right person to talk with, it's a good feeling. I hope you have one.

And I hope you are okay tonight, not sitting in your garden, and that you aren't hurting yourself. And that we hear from you soon.

Take seriously what your brother has been sharing with you. He wants you to understand that you are a good person and he doesn't want you to hurt. He's in a good place, BJ. I know that he is. He's not here physically with you, and god yes, that sucks...but he is okay. I think he is trying to guide you in the right direction. I know it doesn't excuse what he did in anyway or the hurt you have gone through, but he knows that now. And he wants to share it with you so you can go on.

Much love to you ((BJ)).

Lordy, that was very long and windy. If you made it through that then you can do just about anything.

Thank you Doody...I love you.

What would I say to anyone here that was hurting themself Moi? I'd try to stop them, tell them I care, tell them I love them. But I lied to my parents, I deceived them and if they're looking down right now they're probably shaking their head in shame. I can't help it but yes, right now I loathe myself for what I did. I didn't want to see them suffer any more than they were. My mom asked me and my dad asked me if I found a note and I said no. I can't take back what I did so I cut and cut some more. It usually numbs my head so I don't think of other things. I don't want to die, I just want my pain to go away.

good post, doody...((((big hugs))))

BJ, I can't stop you from cutting yourself...as an SI, I can understand...

I guess I am needing to post the following about guilt...

I have been writing about my father a lot...he died a few years ago...

we fought a lot...physically as well...

when I was in my 20's...I got into one major big fight with him, I had gotten really strong cause I lifted weights...

I knocked out 3 of his teeth...

he bled and I thought I was going to kill him...I was so very angry with him...

(alrighty, I debated about the above statement...YES, I am a villain...I was mean to my father...I am not going to delete that statement cause I will live with that for the rest of my life as well...I apologize if anyone thought I was a nice person...I admit it, I wasn't very nice...but I guess I'll leave it cause it pertains to this post...and I am going to keep on leaving it raw...)

over what now, I can't remember...

guilt...when he died...I felt all the guilt about all the fights and all the times that we fought and argued...I never got to say I love him...I didn't say it for over 20 years....he died without ever knowing that I love him...

yes, I can understand guilt...

but I need to ask you about what you believe in...What does being a Christian mean??

wasn't one of the greatest thing about Jesus was the fact that he was willing to "forgive"

he taught forgiveness to all...he taught that we all can and should forgive...through love...

if he didn't taught that, I doubt that there would be many Christians these days...

I need to shut up now...cause I really care about you yet I don't want to overstep my boundaries...

please take care of yourself...if you don't get any more posts from me it isn't that I don't care but that I don't want to make you annoyed...

((((big hugs))))

Oh no no no BJ. They aren't shaking their heads at you! That is all in your head dear lady, it is. It's your guilt and your's alone and again I say, you shouldn't feel that guilt. What is it about that note that would have helped them? Would it really have helped the pain they were going through? I don't know, I just really don't know.

As sure as I am that there are some restless souls wandering about, lost, I'm just as sure that your brother isn't one of those. And neither are your parents. They've been relieved of that pain because they've seen a glory that we can only imagine. BUT, you need to live out your life before you get to go to that wonderful place because...well, because you have to be with us right now. You need to work through the guilt you're feeling. God yes...I know it's hard, it's SO very hard. I've come a long way, with the help of a therapist, as far as guilt I've carried from some incidents that happened during her (my sister) long and painful ending.

I think now I'm just blathering along. I really want you to work on finding a compassionate therapist to talk with. You're talking with us and that's good. We'll just keep hammering away at you that YOU ARE NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING! Dear sweet BJ, you did what you thought was right. Can I say that again? You ... are ... not ... guilty. You withheld information that you thought would be painful. I've done exactly the same thing with people that I love...withhold hurtful information because what would it accomplish?

Lord love a duck, I'm so glad to see you responded and that you are not sitting out in that garden all by yourself! I went for a walk with Bruna just before I popped on here (because I was still thinking about you on our walk), and the mosquitoes here are thick. And I don't wanna feel guilty about you hurting yourself again.

Oh BJ, just know that everyone here cares so much. Take that with you tonight and clear your mind. You have SOS angels with you right there, caring and loving you. Take us all to bed with you. We'll be snuggled all together.

And remember...I'm struggling too. I understand how hard it is right now. If you leave here, it'll just give me one more reason to follow the same road. I don't want to be in pain either. I know you don't want to be in pain. Let's promise each other another day.

Dear BJ,

You can get a therapist to help you dwell on the past. They are professionals and can protect you while you do that.

It's not useful to dwell on the past at home by yourself when you are already down.

Go to the ER. There will be people there to assist you.
I don't want you to be alone right now. I want you to be somewhere where they have lots of lights, lots of people bustling around, with many of these people taking care of you.

You are a good person. You are deserving of care and attention.



Mari

G'nite ((BJ)). Make me roll over if I start snoring too loud. If any other bodily parts start making obnoxious noise, I'll blame it on Alffe, BMW, Wren, Mari, Moi, or one of the other SOS gang there with you tonight. Better turn on the ceiling fan for some good air flow.

hey girlie,
You may not want to hear this but....
remember you also have a mood disorder.
Being bipolar does effect the way you look at things.
I believe you are getting hypomanic...you are obcessing about this and getting all worked up....
This cycle needs to stop.
There are medications to help you with these obcessive thoughts.
Have you ever tried taking seroquel or geodon?
You have to use your mind and change this behavior....
I don't think your meds are right.
When do you see your pdoc again?
How are you sleeping these days?
HOw are you eating?
Are you able to take a walk with hooper?
Have you ever looked into yoga or meditation?
I am sorry that you are hurting so....
There are alot of people here who care about you....
you mean something to us.
We need you.
love bizi

Excellent reminder Bizi...thank you so much!!

Ok...BJ You need to talk to us because we care and some of us lost sleep for worrying about you last night.