I'm not sure where to start... but know I've got to talk about this... and I feel safe here... so... here goes.

This weekend I will see my 30 year old son - I haven't seen him since he walked out on a family dinner when he saw I was there - that was 8 years ago.

My son made a choice not to associate with me when I left his Dad and my marriage of 22 years. My son was 22 - already living outside the home. His brothers - 18 and 16, at the time... were sad but accepted the breakup as it was a long time coming.

I have grieved this loss and feel that I am in a very healthy space... that said.... I'm scared... of the unknown... and what could happen this weekend when we are all brought together by my nephew's wedding. Derek will be there - along with his partner who is 8 months pregnant with my first grandchild. I haven't met her. I pray that I win her over and that we can form a bond - our love of Derek - regardless of the past.

I would welcome anyone's advice and support here. I know that every single one of our experiences are different - we all got to where we are today because of our life's path... I know we can't compare because we haven't walked in the same pair of shoes.... but we can commiserate and offer our thoughts.

My thoughts... I'm scared... I love Derek so much and really don't know why I lost him. I know I disappointed him... but he disappointed me... and didn't respect me... and somehow, lost his love for me.

I'm very proud of where I am today. I am proud of WHO I am.... and I'm scared to be knocked backwards... because I've come so far....

The unknown - the not knowing how I'll react is scaring me...

and I'm going to strive to just be me!

oh boy.... this is tough