My sister was informing me again to go to social Services,and move out. I find myself Overwhelmed. I'm sorry. It's the truth. I wish that I where stronger.

She called me out of the blue a month ago,and again Wednesday,and left me a message on the answering machine. She is forcing this on me,right in the middle of when I cannot handle it.

Part of the State government(Department of Mental Health) is working with me,and they are slow as molasses. I've been seeing them since March. I was going to see a therapist for the first time this Wednesday,but she canceled the appointment until next Wednesday.

My case manager is not working aggressively to help me with the Housing situation. She said the paperwork has to go through. It took me about three months to see a Nurse Practitioner. In all of this time,my money is going down,and I'm waiting for Social Security Disability. I don't know what will happen if I loose. All of this scares me.

My sister calls me every time they get a copy of my bank statement. I now have under two thousand dollars left of my 401K,and the economy looks bad,and I'm worried that I may not get any help at all.

My Social Security Disability hearing is suppose to be in February. I called my Lawyer,a pastor,and emailed my best friend. My best friend was hoping that my sister didn't mean it,but after the second call,he said she's being cruel.

I think that they are going to move a tenant in where I live,and move me out. These circumstances are crushing me,and I don't know what to do,and I can hardly believe that family is doing this to me,when It's obvious to them that I'm in bad circumstances,and have emotional problems.

I just don't know what to do anymore,and I feel emotionally wiped out. At times I don't want to be alive anymore. This is pure misery,and I don't want to go through this anymore.

The 1990's was the only time in my adult life when I can say that I felt alive,and I felt joy,and I felt like I was on top of things,and I felt intelligent. After the 9/11 situation,things started to turn. In the last two years things got worse. In the last month,things started getting worse. Where does it stop? I've got pains in my chest from anxiety,and I'm tired of being like this. I have panic disorder,OCD,depression,and I'm tired of it all.

Recently I have felt like I'm shutting down. My interests,and my hobbies are not interesting anymore. I've never gone through these many problems like this at once. I can't turn to my Dad for the first time in my life,because he doesn't seem to care anymore. I think that my sister has caused a division in my family. She divides,and since I moved up here,to live in there other house,because they where trying to help me at that time,she has done nothing but divide,and disagree with me on just about everything. Is this me? Is this a sibling thing where she want's to be the big sister who is right about everything? All I know is she's angry at one person after another. Now she's angry with me.

She has MS,and I'm sorry that she has MS. I tried to help her. I tried to help clean her house,but she didn't like the way that I did it. Then I tried drive to the cleaners for her,and do things like that. She didn't want me to do that anymore either. She was giving me a little money for that ,but she cut that completely out last February. I don't know why,she doesn't seem to like me. Now she is casting me away into a bad economy,where I have no idea what's going to happen.

This is truth. Please pray for me. I don't know why,but I miss hearing that everything is going to be alright. I stoped drinking many years ago.That helped relax me before,but I became dependent on it. So I stoped drinking. I'm going through this problem with only the medication,but it's not helping enough.

I read the Bible through,and through. That helped me allot for awhile. I prayed,and prayed,and prayed.

I'm now embarrassed to step out the door. Is this my fault? I'm all alone,and I cannot seem to get enough help. Are people in this Town talking about me? They don't seem to be to friendly. My brother in law doesn't talk to me. I don't think that he likes me,and now evidentally he doesn't care about me. I'm a human being the same as he. My sister is a human being,and I'm her brother. I cannot help the fact that my illness is in my mind,and I'm emotionally ill.

Am I making a fool of myself writing this down? I'm starting to loose my sense of humor that I was just starting to get back. I wish that this was over. I wish that there wasn't so much shame,and pain involved in this.

If you are physically ill you get help,but when you are emotionally ill,people can reject you,deny that you are ill,call you a nut,or a flake,and it's not fair. Whatever this is is real,and I've had it since I was around 13,and evidence of it before.

It's caused learning problems,and I've flunked two grades. I heard them saying all kinds of things about me when I was growing up. They've told me over the years some things that I did when I was a kid. I told them ,don't you see, that was the beginning of my OCD. That's not stupid,and that shows OCD. That stoped the laughter,and it was the absolute truth.

We are not in the Dark Ages,and we are in the age of information,and discovery,but still I am looked down on because of my emotional illnesses. It's not fair. Brokenfriend

My dear friend


There is an old saying that says..
.'you can pick your friends but your stuck with your family'

I hear your pain BF, family can be very difficult at the best of times , but throw in something they don't understand, comprehend, or could not care less about and you get problems.

I have no idea why your sister is behaving in this manner, ..big sister mode..may be in practice.
Our siblings :even when we are older occasionally still play the mind games of sibling rivalry...trying to score points on each other, so others will see them in a better light. Why this happens i haven't a clue...but i do like to think when the intention is to kick you while your down its jealousy.

May be she feels you have had enough attention, and is seeking her own attention. The trick is to understand if their behaviour is warranted..if its not shake their hand thank them for their past friendship and love, and say goodbye.........just because they are family...would you allow a friend to treat you so harshly............NO....You would say something..

Family are no different when they do you wrong, or are darn right cruel and mean...you say enough is enough.

I struggled for years with my family.... as the youngest child out of nine.i desperately craved their love and attention....because of a large age gap between us all we are very different... their are many issues with the eldest 5...who were placed in care when very young [for 2 years]

They don't say they are envious of the other 4 children's childhood... but it is evident that all is not right...........

For years i got stressed out when the only time people would talk to me was if i telephoned them, its still the case now .............no body ever calls me unless there is a death in the family. [ and they have even failed to do that on one occasion ]

BF you have on a couple of occasions mentioned 9-11, ....i do not know your circumstances and how it involved you directly...but if like me i watched that event unfold on my TV....and suffered a serious down turn in mood for many many months......and i live in the UK.........no direct involvement......but watching that event seriously affected my psyche.....PTDD....POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.......can affect anyone who witnesses an event of great magnitude, it questions your own mortality.


BF.........i don't know how to get you out of your predicament, but i sincerely hope you find the inner strength to gain insight to the solution's to your current problems...

David

((BF)) I am sorry you are in such pain. Having to suffer with your conditions and not have your family backing you, must be very hard indeed. Your sister, I can't begin to know what drives her. I do imagine having MS is very trying on her, perhaps she has reached a stage where she too has had enough? Or if she isn't able to work due to her illness, perhaps she needs the extra income? I have no idea! I am just trying to find a way for her actions to make any sort of sense. Your Dad, well...... that makes even less sense to me. I wonder, have you ever tried to put your feelings to them in a letter? You write your feelings very well. Perhaps, this could make them understand what is happening to you? Maybe they could go with you to your doctors?

I was thinking the same thing David said, you have mentioned 9/11 several times as a turning point for you. Have you been able to talk with a therapist about this? I do hope your appointment is kept next Wednesday and that you are able to start feeling better.

Remember that saying I told you my Dad use to say to me? Hold your head up high, even if your neck is dirty..... we all have things that taint our psyche, we all have a little dirt... it is up to us to stand proud and hold our heads up high. I am sure everyone of us has been the talk of the town at one point. I know I have marrying a man 35 years my senior. But, I could care less! Didn't care then, and don't care now. You need to question yourself about why these peoples opinions would matter to you. I hope your therapist can help you with a lot of these issues, and that you can once again hold that head up high

I keep coming back to your father.... it is beyond my comprehension that he wont help you. Did HE tell you this? Or is this something your sister said? Is there room for you where he lives? I am sure you could be a huge help to him. Perhaps you could talk with him again?

I am so glad to see you posting, though I may not be much help... I truly do care. Know you are not alone, we are all here for you

Dear BF I am thiking bout you and praying for you.

((((BF))))...you are hurting, and I hear it as well. I wish I had some easy answers. But I don't. What you are going to walk through will not be easy. I have experienced some of it. I was in the middle of a slow suicide attempt right before and after my father died of lung cancer. I didn't just lose my father, I lost nearly everything. My life lay in shards around me. I had to give up a child I had raised for 7 years, who was like my own. The circumstances around the situation were very emotionally traumatic. My 17 year marriage was coming to an end. It was not something that I wanted. My father was dying of cancer, and I, along with my mother, were his caregiver. Although I have 5 brothers and sisters, my father and I were very close. Major decisions about his life and death were left up to me. I was also suffering from chronic pain which left me almost unable to function, and sleep at night. (major shoulder surgery). My best friend who was only 36, and had 3 small children was dying from breast cancer, and I was trying to help her. It all came crashing down when my father died, about a week before Christmas. We were left with nothing. My mother was cheated out of a 100,000 dollar life insurance policy, and left with a lot of debt from my fathers battle with the cancer. My ex skipped the state and left me with two teenagers to raise. We literally had nothing. My mother had to sell everything, at a time when we were both completely grief stricken, we had to give up everything else too. I am sorry this is getting long. My point is, there is a way. I had a 'mental breakdown' I did not even realize it at the time. My mother and I moved into an apartment together, with my children. My actions caused much grief between us at a time when we should have been supporting each other. I went from 135 pounds to 90. I thought I could just 'disappear this way.' We got help anyway we could. My mother is a true survivor. And, yes, in some ways, I did have her. Which is different from your situation. But you have something that I didn't have. I did not know that I needed help, much less how to ask for it. And nobody in my family did either. We are taught to 'suck it up' and deal with it. My mother and I had no way to support ourselves. She finally got some help from the VA, I got food stamps, and some small amount of medicaid for the children, and began the long battle for child support. My mother and I went to college together, with the help of loans, and other support systems. And we did make it. Within a year and a half we were working. I honestly don't know how I made it through all of that. I have some of the same problems that you do. But I did make it. And if I can, you can. We just have to keep trying and be diligent. According to the scales they like to use in psychology, all the stress factors that I went through during that period, should have killed me. But, here I am. And here you are. I am praying for you my friend. Please hang in there. There has to be an answer. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trying. I'm sorry this was so long.

Wow Mistiis...it's called surviving and if you can do it, BF can do it too. I'm so glad we are all talking about it. Hugs for the room.

Hey BF! Just popping in to say that I continue to keep you in my prayers and hope that things turn around for you soon. I truly believe that unless someone walks in your shoes, they cannot understand how you feel. Your Sister should be more compassionate in that she herself has MS. But, your'e right, OCD in itself is very misunderstood. Heck, we didn't even have a name for it until just a few yrs ago.

I suffer from a milder form of OCD, but I do remember as a child wondering why I did the things I did or why I had some of the thoughts I had. I was overjoyed when OCD came out of the closet, so to speak. I saw a therapist for a while, who also suffered from OCD and she helped me to feel that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't help it. That, along w/medication, I feel like I am keeping it at bay, for the most part.

The most important thing I want to tell you is that no matter what you think others' are saying or thinking about you, YOU are just as important as everyone else and you are worthy of understanding and love. I hope you can find some answers to your housing and financial situation very soon. But, remember that you are totally worthy.

take care BF and don't give up hope.

Thank you David. I live around the mid-Atlantic on the East Coast of America. When 9/11 happened, they closed all of the major buildings in the capital city where I was working. I was working at a Supermarket,and people where telling me what they saw on TV.

People took financial losses due to the stock market crashing. Businesses seemed to get more dishonest,and it showed. Where I was working,I was mistreated,and they where not giving real raises that could help me live.

Then the apartment complex that I was living in for years was sold. I looked for other affordable apartments near the store where I worked,and I couldn't find any. So I moved out of the city to the rural area where my sister lives. I was griped with stress that felt like disrupting thoughts serging through me. No one understands that,but it's the only way that I can explain it. My anxiety increased,and my sleep was disrupted. I ended up with all kinds of anxiety problems after that. I now keep people a arms length away.

Thank you for your reply. It helps me to talk to someone.

I don't want to talk about this continually,but that's what I'm dealing with.

Everyone that I talk to about this sooner,or later leaves me,and I don't see them again. They cannot stand the condition that I'm talking about. BF

Thank you Nik-Key. My dad is a former alcoholic,and he has been angry at the world,my uncle has told me. He doesn't want me to visit him for reasons that I don't know.

He has emailed me some things that point back to things that my sister has told him. I think that he is confused. His dad died 3 months before he was born around nineteen twenty,in the great flu plague. He had a hard time growing up,and went into WW Two when he was 21. He was in the Army Air Corp,now called the Air Force,and was honorably discharged when the war was over.

He has a hard time getting close to us. He lives in a assisted living facility now. I think that he's tired of seeing me this way. It may make him feel like a failure. I was sent to Military school,and a prep school for my reading problems. My reading problems,are probably my emotional problems. My Mother passed away recently of cancer. She also had MS,as my sister. My Grand Mother had ALS. He had a stroke around 2000,and has not been the same. He moved in with my sister,and he started speaking sharply to me again on the phone,when I lived in the capital city.

Am I saying to much? Please let me know. I don't want to loose any friends on here. Everyone else seems to give up on me. BF

Thank you Shelley. I hope that you have a nice weekend. BF