Garvey thank you for being concerned about the effect your killing yourself would have on your wife and daughter.

Our 31 year old son put a gun in his mouth when he was 31 yrs old. He left behind an 8 year old son. That son is now a grown man with children of his own. He lives miles away from us and we used to have contact with him in his growing years (we'd fly him here...etc) When he eventually married and had a son of his own he realized what he had been missing. His wife told me privately that she thinks he never had dealt with his dads suicide until he had a son of his own. He refuses to discuss suicide....says that is his way of dealing with it. Said his dad was a selfish coward and ......I am hurt all over again to think that I'll never get to meet my two great grandchildren or hug my grandson again. I do not feel that I would be welcome in their home...ever!!

I understand that he has his own issues with losing his dad that way...but by not talking about his feelings, his own children will be affected.

And our son Michael was a wonderful person and loved his son more than he will ever know.

And that is why you don't kill yourself.

this brain injury can be a nightmare as is TOS, parkinsons, RSD, Bipolar and all the other sicknesses on this board.

Last night i took xanax, advil pm, ambien and vicoden and downed them with some Jack Daniels. It took away all the mental and physical pain for a few hours but i know it was dangerous. but i didn't care anymore. just wanted relief.

i think having bp2 on top of the multiple brain injuries doesn't help. not being able to work sucks as i was a workaholic and loved seeing my bank account et bigger. now it is empty. my girlfriend takes care of me and i am on disability. what kind of a man is that.

i have even had my own brother call me a complete and utter disgrace and a bum living off the governement. words i will never forget. i t ook an 80 percent pay cut getting ssdi. why would i do that if i wasn't sick?

ans how will i survive in the future? what if y girlfriend leaves me. i wouldn't blame her but then i am basically in the street. and the constat physical and mental pain. it makes death not look half bad.

my friends have abadoned me and i never hear from family so who exactly in my case am i going to hurt killing myself? my girlfriend she'd be better off.

i called suiide hotlne before but you guys are better tan them lol. i am not suicidal right now.

i dont know...i get scared

Mark,

I assume you would not want your girlfriend to leave you; but give her a reason to stay. Taking all the drugs and Jack Daniels could not be much of an evening for her to want to be with you.

Believe me; I myself have had those thoughts; sometimes a bit scary; but each day I try to give my husband to smile about; maybe enjoy watching a movie on tv; just something for him to have a little enjoyment in his life.

Can't think only of myself. My life is not the only one that changed; No more vacations, nice diners out, so many things we enjoyed together; now lucky if I can get thru a fast dinner restaurant and get home soon; because along with the 24/7 PM pain (on Oxycontin, etc.) I have had rectal cancer almost two years ago (rectum removed; afraid to be too far from my own toilet).

Please; don't be a "jerk" with her. Help her to want to be with you.

Because I care,

Gerry

i promisedto watch all the football games wth her today andasked y other to take her out for lunch. i didnt feel well enough to to. women have always given more in relationships. they are the stroger less selfish half. and she doesnt now about the jack daniels, which doesn't make it better maybe make it worse

Oh honey, every time I think of that it makes me so sad. He doesn't know what he's doing. Love, Barbo

Hey Mark,

While she may not know Jack Daniels, he may make you act differently; not in a good way.

But you get a great big "E" for effort.


Gerry

Oh Allfe, I did not know. Please don't give up on your grandkids and making amends. It is never too late until it is over. It took 5 years of estrangement from my father to make amends. It took the death of my mother to realize my grandparents and her side of the family did not like my father and were not able to be in my life because of it. For whatever reasons I still don't know, they stayed in minimal contact with me after and I wish it weren't so. They've long passed away and there is no going back there. I've finally acknowledged and come to terms with me being but a teen going through grief, & it was their responsibility to not give up on reaching out to me. I cherish our few memories & wish there were more. I wish my aunt would call, visit, or tell me stories about what my mom was like--- but she doesn't. She doesn't know this is what I really want. Same for you with your grandkids. They would be lucky to have you in their lives. Keep trying and don't give up on them. Even if it's a card. From my personal experience, it will be cherished. And you never know what the future holds. Things change. I never thought I'd be traveling the country with my father, but I will be in the next few months.

life just isn't a rocky road, is is outright a mountain at times. We not always equipped to deal with the mountain. I know about the depressions too, and wanting to take my life. I have had those feelings too. I became sick, my daughter abandoned me, with her husband while I was sick over a trust. I have never even seen a picture of my grandchildren, now 5 years old and 2. The pain from both my health and this issue took all my effort, and that of Gods too, to get me to the point of being OK mentally again. I did get council, and lots of it to deal with those losses. I am selling my house now, medicare/medicaid, don't allow you to even keep a paid for home.
I accept hope. That whatever comes to us, with the help of friends, yes here at NT too, and my faith, that we can deal with these issues that get dumped into our lives. Nobody asks to get sick or become disabled, or expect to lose your home.. We don't ask for the pain and trouble that visits us.
Keep right here, and you will find so many of us that have had to go through some life altering bad experiences, and then come out on top. Even people with terrible disease and pain, find a measure of joy each day.
I never thought I would feel OK again. Try to be good to yourself, and remember you have value as a human being and contribute to this world. We are all interconnected and distant relatives to each other. You are not alone in this. You found a forum that has some outstanding compassionate humans. Hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

Here comes my weekly ramble.

Nobody asks to get sick or become disabled

I did, as those of you who are familiar with me already know. It's done.
Trying VERY hard not to look back at all!!!!

Took 60 flexeril. Lived. Can't do that again to 81 year old mother. I just cant.

Our mental or physical suffering, in some cases, is kind of chronic, and a constant battle. I know this stupid head injury is.

Please God, help me find a pt job on the computer from home to keep busy and supplement ssdi a little.

Ginnie, my heart goes out to you. I have no kids or grandkids but I imagine it must hurt a lot. My hope is that situation changes.

Those of you who have lost someone, it break my heart for you to suffer, but know that your sharing of the stories affects us who have thought about suicide, and at least in my case, has very likely averted an attempt. My mind was at the planning stage a while back. But with this board, I knew I was not alone, and it gave me strength. Bizi, Alffe, Ger, Barbo, ginnie and others care. And I care back. It feels good to care.

This thread is close to my heart and those who have considered suicide, attempted suicide, or are survivors of a suicide victim all have something to share here. Love out to all.

I don't have time right now to post but I getting the best gift ever...our grandson is arriving shortly with his family for several days!! I can hardly believe it and I swear, the word suicide will not leave my mouth!!

Thank you God!!!