by Rob Anderson

This article should be in the hands and hearts of everyone who wants to be a grieving, healing partner for someone who has suffered a loss. It is for those who "get it," to the extent they can and for those who don't "get it," but still want to help.

1. Know that you have incredible power. Your support today, tomorrow, and forever will be paramount to our healing. Stick with us and you will see our smiles return.

2. Understand that our grieving and healing will never end. We will never be over it or completely healed. We will grieve the death of our loved ones forever, but it doesn't mean we need to lead a grief-stricken life. That is where you can help.

3. When we talk about our pain and our tears flow, don't try to make them go away. They are doing good things for us. Our tears are like the steam valve on a pressure cooker. We need them as a way of releasing our suffering.

4. We know we scare you at times, because we are so distraught, but don't look at us as a problem to be fixed so you will feel better. Don't make our healing about what is best for you. We know you want to help, but advice and "should do's" only invalidate our feelings and push us away.

5. Don't try to change us. We will never be the person you once knew - too much has happened to us. Let us be who we are, a grieving, healing person who one day will be similar to that complete person you knew. We want to feel better; we are looking for answers where sometimes there are none. Be patient with us; we know we can be frustrating for you. You may think that we are not trying, but we are, with all our might, all the time.

6. Be an empathetic listener. There is incredible power in saying nothing. Don't feel like you need to fill the silence with words. A gentle hug, a hand held, a simple nod of the head says you care.

7. We will never stop missing our loved one. We think about him just as often as you think about your loved ones who are alive. And that is the way it will always be. If you see us out to dinner or at the show, dancing and smiling, don't think we have healed and no longer need you. Those are our masks. Like any deep wound that scars over, the pain of the wound lives in us forever and stays with us.

8. We love to talk about our loved ones. They still live. Not like they used to, but their spirit and life force live within us, and we love hearing their names spoken and your stories about the memories validate their lives. If we cry when you talk about them, you didn't cause our tears. Those are tears from a grateful heart, because you remembered our loved ones.

9. Our loved one's birthday and death days are days we will not forget...ever. You can never remind us they died, but you can remind us they lived through your sharing. You have the power to help us heal by acknowledging those days with a card or a call. Whether it is our first year, our tenth or thirtieth year without our loved ones, when you contact us, you are remembering their lives and that is powerful for us.

10. We know that you hurt, too. This loss of a loved one was a loss for you also. We can help each other heal by staying involved in each other's lives.

11. If you are reluctant to call or come by, don't be afraid of us. When you show up, you show you care. Even if all you can do is cry in our arms or over the phone, it helps us know your tears are for us. That helps us heal, and you too.

12. Finally, if you are a healing partner who can stay with us forever, we will never be able to put into words how grateful we are for your support. When we smile a genuinely happy smile as our lives heal, much of that joy will be because of you. You have that kind of power and we, and our loved ones, will be eternally thankful you had the courage, strength, and most of all, patience to wait for us to return.

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Reprinted in April 06 SOS Newsletter of Dane County from Bereavement Publications, Inc.