by Joanne Harpel

Stephen. I really don't have many opportunities to use his name anymore.

You see, at the age of 26, my younger brother Stephen suddenly developed bipolar disorder. Despite our best efforts to get him the right treatment, he took his own life.

This shining star, who graduated with honors from Yale and went on to Harvard Law School, wrote his high school valedictorian speech, an award-winning toast to his bride - and a suicide note - all in less than a decade.

At the time of Stephen's death, I didn't know much about suicide, and I didn't know another soul on this earth who had been through this tragedy. What I did know was that my family was in agonizing pain, reliving those last days over and over again, angrily blaming each other and ourselves, and asking a thousand questions that all began the same way: "Why?".

Over time, I've come to learn that more than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have an illness such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or substance abuse - sometimes diagnosed, sometimes not. While suicide is typically the result of a complicated stew of life events and circumstances, the main ingredient is almost always an underlying illness. Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, they can die as a consequence of mental illness.

I've also learned that I'm hardly alone: Research suggests that most of us will lose someone we know to suicide during the course of our life-time. Yet the historical stigma surrounding suicide persists.

Family and friends of people lost to suicide may turn to support groups, where they can talk openly without fear of being judged. Other survivors read voraciously, learning everything they can about suicide and its aftermath.

Still others find a powerful sense of community and healing at survivor conferences such as those held throughout the country on National Survivors of Suicide Day, held on the Saturday before Thanksgiving every year.

Support can also come from the most unexpected places, such as the secretary down the hall who left a box of tissues on my desk with a note taped to it that read, "Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are a tribute to those we love."

Although it's a myth that suicide occurs more frequently during the holiday season (in fact, the rates are highest in the spring), it's certainly true that this time of year can be excruciating for those of us left behind.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel unsure about how to reach out. Try this: Write down a story about their loved one (especially one they might not know themselves) and give it to them, so they can read it when they're ready.

And please don't be afraid to say their loved one's name. Don't worry about making them cry. It hurts so much more when no one talks about the person they lost.

This holiday season, as always, I'll be remembering my brother. He loved shrimp, tennis, English history and Thanksgiving. And his name was Stephen.

(((Michael))) Michael, Michael, Michael...Michael.

(((Alffe))) I didn't know your Michael. I can't imagine why he took his own life. I DO know he must have been a wonderful person because I DO know that he had the most amazing mother a person could have, and the most amazing father and sisters a person could have. So I DO know his suicide couldn't have possibly been the result of any disillusion or unhappiness with his family.

I wish I had known him. I'm just glad that I do know his mom and dad because they just make me feel good and I love them both.

Whatever his reasons...your family amazes me with their strength, convictions, passion and giving.

You're just the best (((Alffe))) so it only stands to reason that Michael was also.

Did I ever tell you that my first huge love was a Michael? Yes, it was, in the 6th grade. Then in the 7th grade he moved away. The most amazing thing happened years later. I married, we moved to Spencer, Iowa, we divorced, and I moved into a house full of men. *grin (5 gorgeous men + me...woo hoo! Well, it was a big farmhouse, what can I say?) The first night I went to that house to visit, I sat in a circle of people, having a little party get-together. And across from me sat this gorgeous, long-haired redhead. He had on an army jacket (fresh out of Viet Nam) and the name on his jacket said "Levan".

I was absolutely speechless...for about 10 seconds. And I said, "Oh my dear god, are you Michael Levan?" He looked at me and said, "Nancy?????" We scrambled across the room into each others arms for the hugest hug. It's burned into my memory. The story doesn't end happy though. He died only a few years later to colon cancer at a very tender age.

He was an amazing, tender and absolutely gorgeous man inside and out. I imagine your Michael was like that too.

Hugs.

What a nice thing for you to say Doody...thank you.

My sister sent this Reflections article from her newspaper in Madison and included the nicest note saying that she has not mentioned Michaels' name enough to me and that "he was a wonderful guy and we all miss him". *tears

Stephens sister, Joanne Harpel is now director of Survivor Initiatives for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention; www.afsp.org.

And Mr.Alffe just took me out to lunch and says to tell you Hi.

Edit to add that your Michael Levan story is just amazing....and so is 5 men in a farmhouse! LOLOL!

Thank you so much for sharing this withus.
I have been suicidal since childhood and in 96 after what I hope and believe to be my last attempt I will never want to do that to my loved ones again.
However it opened my eyes to many things and I researched a lot after as I was dx'ed bi-polar after that and for years before treated many times for just deprression.
Anyway I read in several different books that suicide tendencies can be caused by a chemical imbalance of the brain and an inherieted trait. Which I really believe after my brother started our family tree and I found out about pass behaviors of much of our famil.
Then all three of my children have tried suicide, just 2 weeks ago my oldest and my son, slit his wrist and I held him as I watched and tried to stop the very life flowing from his body and it was at a time when I thought his life was faily good.
He is out of the hospital now and back on meds for bi-polar and goes back in to treatment Monday.
Anyway thanks for the post.
I believe it is important with the high suicide numbers that people be informed.
Linda

Hi Linda,

Thank you for sharing about your suicidal struggles. I agree with you that it's probably a "gene thing" and maybe someday they'll figure it all out. I do think that there's a bi polar, alchohol, depression connection. To the best of my knowledge no one in our family had ever killed themselves before my son succeeded at it. I have had those thoughts off and on for most of my life but only articulated them after losing him.

I remember hearing about my grandpa, who died when I was a baby, being an "odd" man. I hear about him going upstairs and slamming the door if anyone came to visit. He'd stay up there until they left. Maybe he just didn't like people, or maybe he had bi polar disorder. (you know you search for information when your children suffer from it)

Our son Michael, was a juvenile probation officer and had a gun because he'd go out in bad neighborhoods at night to check on his "kids". If only that gun had not been right there when he was alone and had some brandy I feel like he'd be alive today. His impulsive act changed all of our lives.

Please, have no guns in your home....ever!

I'll pray for your family and my heart goes out to you Linda. We are here for you.

Thank you for starting this chain. I lost my mother three years ago to suicide. Until then I had no idea the depths of her depression. I did a lot of research into our family history. ALL the women on my mothers side for at least four generations back have been hospitalized, had electric shock therapy, some have had brain surgery, some have committed suicide, have suffered from depression. It was never talked about. I have two daughters. I am making sure they are aware of the family history and the symptoms, the behavior and what to do if they feel that way. It is NOT a weakness, it is an ILLNESS! Unfortunately after we lost my mom, ( I was her only daughter)six months later I has to be hospitalized because I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. I begged for help. My husband didn't understand the illness. I finally had to call for an ambulance and ask them to come and get me because he refused to take me to the hospital! Needless to say we are divorced now.

I am slowly understanding this illness, and learning to deal with it. (along with my newly diagnosed "peripheral neuropathy" which is pretty aggressive these days) and appreciate that you all are here and have been reading many of your posts. Getting to know many of you through your writings.

The picture in my avatar is of myself and my granddaughter who was born three weeks after my mothers suicide. She is what kept me alive. Her beautiful smiling face and unconditional love.

God Bless you all!

Oh and God Bless you too. You have really walked this walk for a long time!
Your avitar is beautiful...and you have a really good reason to live in that grandchild.

Sometimes it's hard to find a reason to live...no one can tell us what it is..we just have to discover it ourselves. You are so wise to educate your girls about the family history....knowledge is power and it could save their lives some day.

I'm glad you got rid of that jerk you were married to!

Warm hugs Seems....*grin

Two of my male cousins had guns and ended their lives. In Canada, it is not usual to have guns unless you are a hunter. My sisters daughter's boyfriend also ended his life with a gun... he wanted to be a hunter so bought a gun. (Some of you know Sparkle, my sis)

Today my sister is suffering from another loss - a close girlfriend lost two of her sons last weekend- aged 21 and 27 - not from suicide but ... related to guns... they were hunting and ... during the night... sleeping in their cabin, the pilot light in their propane heater went out.... they died in their sleep....

I am bipolar.

Some of you will recall my depression a month or so ago... and I am so thankful for you all ... and that you were here for me...
and that I recognize my symptoms...
reached out for the help...
and my medication was increased.

When in the depths of that pain, it is impossible to imagine life when it is good. I can only say how lucky I am.. how blessed I am... how fortunate I am... to pull out of that pain....

The more we talk.. the more we educate..
the more we share... the more we rid the world of the stupid stigma attached to mental illness...

If only ... dear Alffe... if only....

Special people share their grief.

(((Seamslikestitches))) ... my husband didn't understand either... and we parted after 22 yrs. I feel your pain - its a death of a way of life but you are on a much healthier path now. My Dad was an alcoholic... a long slow suicide.... suffered painfully from depression.... and self-medicated.

(((Linda))) your children are lucky to have you for a mom... I'm sorry that your children suffer and pray that your support and love will pull them through along with the knowledge that depression/bipolar can be treated!

Hugs to you dear Doody!

Bumpity bump bump......

Another bump!