Everyone, including you, has spilled out their hearts... and I will add to it all by giving you a gentle hug

this isn't easy.

Life isn't easy.

you ever going through it with courage and support!

Addy

Dear Nikki,

I wanted to answer your questions as best I could and to do so, I've done it in point form. I thought that might be easier.

* Do they adjust? Yes, they do. Some adjust quickly... Some in a few days, some take a week or two, but they all adjust..... I promise you!

*What will they do if he cries? If it's a good establishment (and it sounds like the one you're talking about is.....) some-one will sit with him. They'll hold his hand and/or rub his forehead, and they'll say comforting words. I used to cuddle them.... make them feel loved because unfortnately lots didn't realise I wasn't one of the people that they knew.

Each establishment has differing ways to comfort their residents. I cannot say how this place will do so, but I think if you ask Goofy... She'll tell you. The basics are pretty well world wide.

*Is there a game plan? Yes there will be. You need to have input for the plan that's created for Lynn, and you need to be a big part of that plan if it's going to work for the two of you. Only you know what he likes.... What calms him.... What upsets him. These things are important to working out all the criteria that will ensure an easy transition for him ....and for you!

*Will they divert him? Yes Nikki...they will. As much as you have tried to maintain a home, and be a wife and "mother' to Lynn, I doubt that you've ever had many spare minutes to entertain him, or yourself for that matter.

Most of the units like the one Lynn will go to, have occupational therapists (that's what they're called here in Oz), to entertain the residents of the facility. These are people employed to make sure clients like your Lynn get the best care they can.........and that also means making them feel at home, and keeping them occupied to prevent boredom.



As you can see, I'm not just talking nursing care... I'm talking about self respect. About entertainment, about making your darling feel a part of the community, even if that community is a dementia unit.

The good units usually allow family members to be part of planning their relative's care plan. They do it without trying to belittle any attempts by the family at making their loved one's transition as painless as possible.

Nobody blames you Nikki, in fact many of us are astounded at the wonderful job you have already done. Many of us are questioning ourselves.... Wondering if we could function at the same exceptional pace as you have.

Dear sweet Nikki. The time appears to be right for Lynn to move, even though you're not ready. I understand, I really do, but the Lord has intervened in this Nikki. It's up to you now whether you take His advice or not.

Sending you hugs at this very difficult time, and please know Nikki that most of us understand the emotional pain you're going through right now, trying to make that decision.

I have been awake for over 42 hours and yet sleep will not come. Grief, it is a hard thing to overcome. I keep thinking, if there CAN be a blessing with Alzheimer’s, it is that Lynn doesn't know what has happened to him. I keep thinking about the earlier stages, when he knew what was happening to him.. when he pleaded, cried and begged for me to help him end his life.

Of course I couldn't!!!! But, there are worse things than death. This is surly one of them. Not for him, because he is in his own little world. But for me, this is so much harder than if he had died. This is a slow torturous death. You watch helpless as your loved one is being taken away from you inch by inch.

Talking with those of you who have knowledge about nursing care, talking with the staff at the nursing home, his nurse and the doctors.. have made me see this IS a good thing for Lynn. It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done!!! But, I know he will be safe there, I know they can care for him better than I can. And though I will miss him, I truly do want what is best for him.

I talked with the staff today when I went over. They will help Lynn adjust, they will surround him during this time of transition. We will take it day to day to see if I should visit, or stay away. I see their point, he is not going to remember if I was there, and it would be easier for him to adjust if I wasn't there. *sigh

I know this is best. I will have time to fall apart, and then the healing can begin. For the loss of Dad, and Lynn. I need that. Then, when he is settled, I can visit him without all the stress I have caring for him at home. Right now I am thinking I could go twice a day, share lunch and dinner with him. OH! and I can bring one dog with me to visit him, right in his room!!!

This is the answer to my prayers, I know it. Thank you all for helping me see that. I know at least 2 of his children will be coming with me on Tuesday. As they said, we saw you at your Dad's funeral, you had to be held up, you had to be dragged off his grave.. we can't let you face this alone. As much as I wish they had offered more help with his care, I am deeply moved they are thinking about me during this difficult time.

K, I have NO idea what I just typed... but kept my mind busy for a bit. I want to crawl in a hole and over think things, get depressed... but I wont.... I am going to face this head on! Just as my Daddy taught me.

Much love, and so many thanks Nikki

ohhh dear Anne,,, you just brought me soooo much peace! You have no idea Thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me this way, it means the world to me! You are such a beautiful soul I am going to go fall apart for a bit...... but again, some of it good! Like my blessing in friends like you Much love my friend

nik,

day by day...one step, one day at a time...

and if when Lynn goes in and you find that it just ISN'T for the BOTH of you...

there are always other ways: another place, bringing him back home, hiring someone else to help...of course, all within your resources...

will you beat yourself up? Of course you will. But that's OK as long as you don't let it eat at you until there's nothing left. Will it be sad? Of course it will, as long as you don't let it shut ALL your doors...will you want to tear your hair off? Well, there's always hair club for women and you can be the president (OK, joking...)....

all those are going to be HUMAN emotions that you'll be going through...just don't let them get you to the point that it will shut you off from the world...

(btw, I am not telling you anything that you DON'T know for I know you know all that I've mentioned...but sometimes, it is good for all of us to have a reminder... )

I love what Anne said: "Nobody blames you Nikki, in fact many of us are astounded at the wonderful job you have already done. Many of us are questioning ourselves.... Wondering if we could function at the same exceptional pace as you have."

it's true...

right now a skipping stone has been thrown to the lake of your soul and it is rippling...let it ripple...when that ripple ends, the lake will be calm again...let that stone skip for now and follow that ripple...it'll end..sooner or later...

as for your sleeplessness...well, I have just what the doctor ordered..

LOOK UP!!!!

((Moi)) Don't ever change Thank you for the kind words to sooth my battered soul.. love the skipping stone on the lake analogy and for bringing a smile to my face. Much love, Nikki

nik,

I have never tried "battered soul" before...have had battered chicken, battered fish, and battered fun guys(shrooms), heckit, even battered fried twinkies (not twinkle's toes, maybe battered twinkled fingers cause she's a lady, wait, is she?? *moi, snap outta it!!!!...but never battered soul...

I'll take an order away from you if I could...((((BIG HUGS))))

here's a thought:

"SOS forum drive-thru restaurant:"

on the menu:

"Battered Soul"
"Tear Soup"

Anyone wants help me create a menu?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Change? The only thing I am NOT changing are diapers... LOL

(((BIG HUGS))) dear friend, hope that anvil is "kicking in"

This is just an awful analogy!!! But it is how I feel. I find I am trying to steel my heart, much like one does when they have to put their beloved pet down. You know you have to do it, you don't want to.. but you love them enough that you do. You dread the day, that is what Tuesday feels like to me ....

I know, it isn't as final as that. But it feels it, he is gone... yet I have to keep saying painful goodbyes... over and over and over again*sigh

I am trying to think of how good this will be for him... and how I will be able to find life and start living again. I am planning a big vacation for Sept. It gives me something good to think about. Thanks for helping me to just keep swimming

Remember that's it's good to float on your back sometimes and let us hold you up.

Sending up prayers for you