(((BMW))) (((Curious))) (((Alffe))) (((Majo)))
(((Doody))) (((Moi))) (((BF))) (((Pono)))

((Pono)) You touched a part of my heart, I thought dead. The first time I read this post, I was crying so hard I just couldn't reply. I know the hell and pain you are in... that you would/could.. reach out to me, show this amount of concern, compassion, and love... well, it moved me.

You are the very essence of strength and survival. Proof that the good ALWAYS outweighs the bad.. if only one will allow themselves to look hard enough. Open themselves up enough, to feel the love surrounding them. Thank you for surrounding me, when I truly needed it. And I love you too

March 14th, 2 years later.... and here I am,

still consumed in grief

still not able to sleep without nightmares

still haunted by visions

still wondering.....

WHY

WHAT IF

IF ONLY

I can only repeat what I've said before dear Nikki...there is no time table on this kind of grief...not to sound trite but it takes as long as it takes. You have so many stressors in your life...your dear Lynn..the pain you deal with on a daily basis.

I'm also thinking about my neighbor this morning...March 13th is the day her son killed himself..also two years ago. No should put their loved ones through this kind of H E L L.

((((((((((Nikky)))))))))))

I hate the fact I dont have words for you... Let me tell you I understand your pain... and, like Alffe said, I think your grief will remain...

About the IF onlys, what if´s... I hate them... the just give us stress and sadness... I never can get rid of them, so, Im mad on giving advices on that too, but, like many people have told me, that is past, you cant change it... so, try your best and try to stop thinking What if... If only...

Aw, dear Nikky... I wish I could do something to help you with your grief...

All I do is cry....... I felt I was doing better, then came winter, and snow.... and I just fell apart.... I should have come here and talked about what I was feeling, but I just didn't/don't have the emotional energy.

I try very hard to not think about the why's and what if's, but I have very little control over the wreckage.

Dad chose to leave, he didn't love our family enough to stay...
he didn't love me enough to stay.....
such a cold brutal truth.

Hugs dear Nik-key.

That's your pain talking dear Nikki...you feel that he rejected you..you feel that it was intended to be cruel when truth be told I doubt he thought about you at all...because he loved you so..had you come into his mind, he would have stoped his actions.

I think when our loved ones feel hopeless and helpless they just react to that unending pain.

wreckage...what a great way to say it.

Nikkey..... ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Dont feel that... Im sure your dad loved you...

I will give you my example, I think Ive told you this before...

I love my parents... I mean, I LOVE my mom... I have been crying every night since... I was like... 7 years old thinking, what would I do without her... she is my best friend, we talk a lot, she is my best companion... BUT, when Im suicidal, I cant, I truly CANT think... believe me... I dont know how to explain it... is like, Im another person for seconds/minutes... or hours... I even have "I hate my mother" thoughts... Am I sick !? perhaps... who understands our brains ?? I sadly think nobody yet... So, we, doctors, researches cant explain what's that... the evil talkign to us ? and alien that gets into our mind for seconds !? dont know, but really, when Im suicidal, nothing seems to work properly... I hate everyone... myself included of course, so, the decision is made out of control...

Im so sorry your dad was trapped (does that word exist ? hope you get my point... ) in that state or one similar to what happens to me and, so sorry he was successful... BUT, Im sure he loved you and Im sure he wasnt "in this world, with his feet in the earth" when he took that decision...