Ok, just sitting here crying. I have been trying to post this since Dad's anniversary last month, March 14th... but I haven't been able to......

I went to my Mom's (step mom) on Dad's anniversary. She had asked me last year if I wanted to view Dad's medical reports, his blood work and test, from the ER and doctors visits the week before. She got them in the mail, 3 days after he killed himself.

I did NOT want to see them then. I needed to believe Dad had cancer. I needed to believe that he "knew" he had cancer. I needed to believe that he had taken his life because he did not want us to suffer as he had watching his brother die of the same cancer. I needed to believe there was a reason, SOME REASON, to explain how Dad could have killed himself.

Out of the blue, on my visit with Mom that day... I asked her if I could see the letters with his test results. I wish to God I hadn't!!!!

Dad did not have cancer. All of his test results came back perfect. PERFECT! I know depression, and mental illness play a massive roll in one being able to take their own life. But...... I needed to believe, his mental condition was because he knew the cancer was back.

Now what do I do? How am I suppose to make any sort of sense out of this? He was sober, not on drugs, and in body at least, he was "perfectly healthy". Now what? I tell people I lost my Dad to depression? I just can not wrap my brain around this.

This is a man who always had a smile on his face. Not just a smile, but one that touched his eyes and made them twinkle. This is a man who served almost 25 years in the military! He was so strong!!! This man, is my hero!! For the love of God, someone tell me .... HOW did this happen??? HOW did I not KNOW???????

Damn..... this hurts deeply......

OH my darling, sorry and HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Do not have the words to say, but remember, that he I am sure did not realize how much this all would hurt his loved ones, and depression can be so bad even if good life and even if someone was happy go lucky most times in life.

Sorry not sure if those were the words...Just know I am sending you many HUGSSSSSSSSSSS loss is hard whatever way it comes, and I know loss of a baby girl. I do not know loss thru suicide, so not sure how it feels, but I know it must be tough. STAY strong hun, sarah

I'm sorry Nikki....the written word is so cold, especially when we are praying for something else. It really makes no difference (it does to you, now....I understand that it does) but really the outcome is the same. It is moments like these that I want to reach into the screen and give you a tight hug of understanding. We would settle for a crumb...we really aren't asking for much....just one small reason....I'm sorry.

I pray you don't read his death certificate....or have you?

(((Nikki)))

Dear Nikki, you don't have to tell people that you lost your dad to depression (or anything else), you just need to tell them that you lost your dad.
It's difficult for me to put into words what I'm trying to say to you right now. I really wish you hadn't read the report at all. I think it's absolutely natural for a person to feel the need to know "why" as if that will help in some small way. That's the BIG question... the one most people never will know and the one that will never make much sense at all.

((sabi)) ((alffe)) ((lara)) Thank you

The anniversary was so hard, I was overcome with emotions. I blame this for my lack of thinking. I never should have read those reports.

I am doing worse than I was. I just don't have anything to cling to now. I keep thinking, like you said Alffe.. it doesn't change the end result... that it only mattered what he believed. But, that isn't true is it? At least not for me...

For me it changes everything. (please do not get mad at me ) In my mind at least -there is a big difference between suicide for the terminally ill, and suicide because you damn well just give up. I couldn't accept that my brave heroic father could be taken down this way, it HAD to be cancer.

Now I am just stunned. He didn't have cancer.... this can only mean that Dad is gone because he couldn't find the strength to hold on any longer. He hurt so severely that he could believe life was not worth living.
That kills me!

How could he be in that much pain, and nobody know? How could I not know? HOW is that possible???!!!!!

Then I think on how all the things he taught me. We talked so many times about my disease, the pain, he told me over and over and over again...you just have to keep fighting, Never give up Nik!! Yet, he did

And what is worse, what eats me up.. is he couldn't even tell me.

Why, why couldn't he have just reached out to me?

How could he possibly think THIS was the answer?

How could he not know his suicide would totally destroy all who loved him?

Why didn't he love me enough to hold on?

I have a song playing in my mind a lot since I found out. It just sprang to mind and it is so fitting. I just cry my heart out every time I listen to it.. I would stop listening to it, but.... I would still be crying my heart out.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1WSolwlcw

Artist: Blaine Larsen
Song: How Do You Get That Lonely
Album:

Lyrics :

It was just another story written on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on the bedroom floor

There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...

(Chorus)
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...

(Chorus)

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...

Awwww, (((Nikki))).

I've always said I'd rather "know" (about medical things) than be in the dark. I was glad to Know I had MS, instead of the strange and unexplained symptoms driving me crazy with unanswered questions.

But, after reading your post, I can see how I would rather NOT know something like that. Your poor Dad, he must have been in so much mental anguish to let it cloud his ability to rationalize and think clearly.

He must not have realized how personally you and your siblings would take it, else he would not have done it. Remember, he did not commit suicide to hurt anyone. He did it (I would think) to end his own pain. It is nobody's fault.

And that's what makes it so hard. It's easier to cope with loss if you can blame it on Something, Anything. But those lingering questions and "What Ifs" can drive you crazy.

Honestly, Nikki, (IMHO) you're going to have to proactively seek out something to distract you from dwelling on the "What Ifs." I worry that you will never be able to move forward if you don't get involved in something that keeps your mind occupied.

Didn't you say awhile back that you intended on helping with the suicide prevention? Have you done any more with that goal?

It is not my intention to offend you, dear Nikki. Please forgive me if I have overstepped my bounds. I know you are a good listener and that it helps to have folks to bounce ideas off of. I assume you began this thread in order to hear back from people who know and care about you. I am one of those people who cares. You remain in my prayers.

Is it possible that it was a accident? Sometimes people are over confident with a pistol,or rifle. I've looked down the barrel of a semi automatic pistol to make sure the barrel was clean. If the clip is in the pistol,the darn thing can go off if you slide the barrel back into position. I've had pistols,and high powered rifles,and if you aren't careful,a accident can happen. There are many accidents that happen in the military that don't make it to the news.

My friend who is usually careful, discharged his pistol in my apartment. A second before he did,he had it pointed at me. Then he turned his arm,and fired at the TV set. He nicked one of the antennas on top of my TV set. It was a accident. He thought for sure that it was unloaded. Well it was loaded,and he learned a big lesson that day. Four years later he became a policeman.

My first rifle backfired on me,and shocked the heck out of me. Fragments of the shell went back into my thumb,and another friend drove me to the hospital.

So what I'm saying is,it could have been a accident. In a firearm accident that is fatal,the person can't tell anyone what happened. BF

((Steve)) thank you for trying to help Without a doubt, it was not an accident. ((twink)) my friend...you could never offend me... I will write more later.. I just can't right now....

I'm so sorry. I wish that I could take away your grief. Was he in Vietnam? He could have had PTSD. Something might have been bothering him that he couldn't take anymore. Something might have been tormenting him for years,and it got to big,and he was in a very weak frame of mind,and tired,and not strong enough at that point to throw it off. Bless his heart. Sometimes people will tell your most of whats bothering them,but not all. I don't think that he would want you to suffer like this.

With the good report of his good physical condition,maybe something was bothering him that he thought that he could be treated with medication.

Years ago I became very upset,and depressed,and I had a EEG. The test showed that there was nothing wrong with me. I was discharged from the hospital with no answers. At that time I wish that they did find something wrong in my EEG test so that they could treat it,but they found nothing,and I went home thinking what am I going to do now? I knew that what I was feeling was real,and they couldn't find any answers. I felt a strange feeling about it all,and I had many,many negative feelings,and no answers.

I'm sorry that he came to this point where he felt totally tired of it all,and maybe he hit his breaking point.

Some Veteran's are haunted by something in their military career,that they can't seem to talk about. The burden could have been slowly building,but he may have wanted to stay stronge,but he hit his breaking point,and broke into pieces.

I hope that you feel better soon. BF

Nik-Key

Sadly, it is possible to not know. It is possible to smile and be normal on the outside and not show what is going on inside.

I know, I did it. I was seeing a Psychiatrist who was also my therapist and she had no idea how deep I had really gone nor did my family. I was asked many times if I felt suicidal and I always said no. I put on a happy face and tried to be normal on the outside for everyone. On the inside....darkness and emptiness. I didn't want to leave that place and I was on medication.

Your dad was strong, his thinking just became irrational and fuzzy. It's soo difficult to think clearly when that happens.

Nik-Key, you can't blame yourself, you had no way of knowing. It's not your fault