Responsibility:

I have a responsibility to those I love...
to be loving, patient, considerate, and kind;
to be loyal, respectful, and honest;
to be appreciative, encouraging, and comforting
to share myself and care for myself
To be the best possible "Me".

BUT

I am not responsible for them...
not for their achievements, successes, or triumphs;
not for their joy, gratification, or fulfillment;
not for their defeats, failures, or disappointments;
not for their thoughts, choices, or mistakes.
And not for their suicide.
For had I been responsible, this death would not have occurred.
~ Author Unknown

.................................................. ............


"For had I been responsible, this death would not have occurred."

This has helped me more than any of the reading I have done. I think I will always have guilt, I think most survivors do. But, I will no longer let that guilt comsume me and make me feel Dad's sucide was somehow my fault. I will forever wish he had let me know.... but he didn't... sigh

Nikki, that is a very good quote. Its the truth. So often I feel like as the Mom that I need to fix everything and sometimes I put it in His hands....love you much and think of you often!!

((Tammy)) I blame it on being the middle child It is such a good feeling to let go and just know you can't be all things to all people. You can't, and it is futile to even try.

((Lara)) Hope you don't mind, but I moved your reply here....
I still at time do blame myself. If only I had gone to see him that week. If only I had told him I loved him with more feeling... if only.. if only. It did little to help me when my step mom and sister kept saying he was always at his happiest when you were with him....You could always make him smile.... ACCCCK . talk about drowning in guilt.

But no, I am not responsible....."For had I been responsible, this death would not have occurred. " *sigh

Nikki, it's what happens unfortunately.
We blame ourselves. It's not always rational and it's not always the right thing to do for our own health and often we don't know that at the time, but it's what we humans seem to do.

It happens if we lose a friend, or a child, or a parent, or a cousin or any one we loved. I mentioned the daughter/father because I was talking with you at the time. I would say the same thing to Alffe regarding her loss which is mother/child. She isn't responsible either.

They are the questions that linger longest. Why??? we say. We don't know "why" so we blame ourselves. What if I... this. What if I... that. It's something we do, but sometimes we need professional help or what I call "retraining" do get us out of that cycle of thinking because it can be absolutely and totally self-destructive. I'm not talking about sadness. I'm talking about an overwhelming and all consuming feeling that can stop a person living their life to the full for years and years and years.

There are terrible and shocking events that we all face in our lifetimes. It's how we deal with it that is different from person to person. It's how deeply the sadness runs and the length of time that we take to recover that sets some people apart from the others. [remember too that some conditions such as depression can run in the family, so there's every likelihood that your father may have had problems with the "low serotonin" that you mentioned earlier. Just a thought.] Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. I see that written so often in SOS literature and I know it from having lived life.

However...

I do honestly believe that there comes a point for many of us dealing with grief and particularly grief after suicide that we can not bear this load alone for whatever reason.

Whether that's because our Serotonin levels are low, or because we have low something else, or even low self-esteem, or we have PTSD or OCD or just "because". All those things complicate the process of healing. There are methods of relearning some of the ways we think that can expedite our recovery. Don't ever for a moment think that you don't deserve to recover for the sake of your father. I know what that feels like. That sort of thinking will hold you down and drown you. He wouldn't want that to happen.

I read some of your posts somedays and it's almost as if you're trying to convince yourself. You don't need to do that... you already know deep down in side. You just have to claw your way out of it, and you WILL.

I'm sorry I have prattled on so much today.

((Lara)) Once again... thank you.

I didn't have any "problems" with depression until after Dad's suicide, life altering events often trigger chemical problems - low serotonin. I do wonder about Dad, obvisouly he was depressed. I am determined to not do as he did, I wont try to fight alone. I don't want to just win battles here and there, I want to win the war!

I do have open communication with my doctor. He sees me on a regular basis, I am blessed in that I have a doctor who truly cares. Not everyone is so fortunate. Tragic.... *sigh

Thanks again, food for thought.... and you are right, I WILL claw my way out, until then, I will just keep swimming...