hi Manda,

I apologize for being so late in introducing myself. I am "moi" some calls me "mwa", some even calls me "moip" (that's when I get genitorial duty)...

wait, I meant, JANITORIAL duty....talk about being doped up....

I have a lot of catching up to do but just wanted to say a quick hi and that I can relate to how you feel. The need to lurk and the feeling of emptiness.

And what's great about you is that even if you have your "hissy fits" you come back and explain why vs just letting people wondering if you are having fits against "them" or not.

communication is always the key and I am glad you are one of those communicators. And it looks like you are quite a good one (from what I've read thus far)

I am sorry that you are hurting so much inside. I know many here are hurting much inside as well...and I've been there myself...

at the same time, NT is such a wonderful place and I am glad that you've found them/us...

take your time to lurk...all the time you need. But if you shall ever need anything, there is a long line of people that WILL step in when you are at your darkest, I've write a list but it'll take a few days...

(((gentle hugs)))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBB2OS4IoTs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

*******************

Manda,
I admire your openness.. I feel God lead me to this thread. You, as BlueMajo said, sound like my twin. Ever since I was very very young I was depressed. I remember being a young girl, maybe 6, and looking up at the sky and wondering why am I not like anyone else? I've always felt that way. My mother took me to a doctor when I was 12 because I was so shy and self conscious and couldn't integrate into any relationship. He put me on valium and it was never spoken of again.

And now I read all these wonderful posts from lovely people who have struggled as you are now, as I am now. Yes, friends will let you down. Boy, they sure have devastated me as I look back at my life. And then someone will surprise you with a hug and a warm, gentle smile that says, "I like you, the total package ..."

But it's amazing, really. I was praying just yesterday that God would show me some reason that I was alive ... and I received a phone call from a delightful woman I met briefly - - who is in a wheelchair from decades of multiple sclerosis. She was so happy to talk with me... I knew this would be special. It was a gift from above and I feel just that alone gives me an incentive to be better. To develop this new friendship.

Depression is devastating. Those who don't suffer from it cannot possibly understand. Why should they? All any of us knows is a result of personal experience. I am so very grateful to you for opening up. You are not alone; and I feel the warmth of all those posts too.

Thank you. Thank you. Wishing you some peace and serenity. Sending love and prayers your way... PG

PS Quote: LARA "I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone." I'm going to write this down and keep it in my wallet at all times. Thank you so much. I go through these suicidal bouts every few days, so I'll always look in my wallet if I can't get near a computer. end Quote

I love this idea, Lara. I will do the same as you Manda... I can see now that it's completely defeating to try to be comfortable with depression! How crazy is that.... No, fight the enemy. Take up the complete armor of God and keep putting one foot in front of the other... Look for beauty... little things that bring pleasure ... Boy, have I babbled. Longest post by far. Again thank you, and Blessings,

......pearl girl

(((((((((Pearl)))))))))

(((((((((Manda))))))))

Thinking about you....

thanks for the post moi. much much much appreciated. i don't know how much longer i can go without seeing a psychiatrist (i'm waiting to be referred to one), but you are right, the people at NT make the waiting game a lot easier. i'm trying my best. i'm trying so hard. every day is more of a struggle than i'd like to admit.

pearl, i'm so glad you posted. i really appreciate that you read through all these old posts and i'm VERY glad that you were able to gain some support and hope from them. everyone here is so incredible.

i've come to realize that my self esteem is largely dependent on male attention. i don't know why. i have nothing to prove. but after every failed relationship, i feel worse and worse about myself. even if the person treated me horribly, i still find that i just want them to call me and tell me that i'm desirable. i'm having a hard time moving past this last failed relationship. all i want is for him to say "no wait, you are a good person. i made a mistake." and it's not just pride....it's something else....the feeling of being wanted. and the feeling of someone fighting for you. i've never had someone do that. so then i seek it from, apparently, the wrong people. i get let down all the time. i don't like myself for that. that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. and as i re-read this last paragraph i've written, i feel like i'm 16 again...i'm so ashamed

i really need to see a psychiatrist asap. i don't know how much longer i can wait, guys. really.

(((((((((( Manda ))))))))))

PLEASE... Sounds to me that you are in crisis mode..

United States:
1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
Teen line: 1-800-367-7287

Canada
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=77

World Wide:
http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html

Please keep talking with us... but please call one of the numbers above or go to the emergency room if you are in crisis!!!!

i dont know why i can't bring myself to calling. what do i say...i've never been like this before. i'm crying because i'm just so sad with what my mind is coming up with as solutions...