this is long overdue:

SoCal: thank you for the response. And welcome to the board I hope I can offer you support the way that you have offered ME support!

I won't be so vague finally. I'm in the mood to write. I went back to the old city to see family and friends. I kind of started seeing a guy from there so I've been going back quite a bit. Great guy. I felt comfortable telling him all about these issues. But on the weekend, I found out the long distance thing just isn't going to work out. I became very frustrated b/c it seems every decision I make isn't ever good enough. I don't know what to do. I want to buy a place but I'm not sure what city to buy in (I know that sounds trivial, but it's a big deal to me). I'm very family oriented so I'm not sure if buying away from home is a good idea. But I hate that city so much. BUT one day I should confront it. I can't run from it forever. That new job I started in June is just a term position til the end of Sept so I've been a bit stressed that I won't be able to find work, with the economy the way it is obviously.

Abbie: Thanks for always reminding me to breathe. You always keep me so grounded. I'm trying really hard. I'm waiting to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I've been off meds since June. So I'm proud that I've been hanging in there, but honestly, every day is a struggle. I think people think I'm dramatic. But honestly, it's a struggle every day. "Why should I wake up this morning, Manda?" "Because this is your life, Manda. Now get up." Every morning.

Bluemajo: I miss talking to you every night. Let's try and keep in touch more

BMW: I've truly missed you so much. You always make me just stop. All the thoughts in my head just stop whenever you write me. I hope you never stop. I'm glad you make me realize that these are just little storms. Sometimes they feel like the real thing. But I need to remember it'll pass. They always do. But god, when you're in that storm, it never feels like it will.

FOR EVERYONE: I don't ask this enough (and I hope you don't think I'm ungrateful, it's just been a tough year) but, HOW ARE YOU?? I've noticed some of my friends haven't been around here much...let me know you're ok.

((((((((((Manda))))))))))

I will pray so things can settle down for you soon

I know the feeling of "everything I choose or do, is wrong, bad..." I feel your pain, but, but, hey ! everything has an end right ? So, even the problems will come to and end, when we will turn around, see our past, and laugh at it...



Take care.

Manda, I vote for your "own" city. It will become home, and with new memories, new customs, new rituals. I recently had to make a similar choice and I decided to throw myself into this neighborhood and make it feel more like home. Taking walks and getting to know it in a way you cannot just by driving around, shopping and dining in as many of the little shops close by as I can, setting up some new rituals in the neighborhood. Just little things, such as getting a dipped cone at the corner DQ on Sunday. I miss some things from my old neighborhood but not the traumatic memories that every landmark seems to remind me of-usually when I least expected it. And I am old, Manda, so making new memories doesn't always sound appealing-old people tend to like to bask in the old memories. But when those become tainted with hurtful ones-hey-make new ones. Lots of little new ones! Thanks for sharing your struggles-we are all more alike than we are different-especially on NT!

Great advice Sue...you're my kind of lady.

Manda, I'm glad you're back posting..you were missed!.

and a hug for Blue...

having such strong suicidal thoughts tonight. trying to keep the thoughts within reach. trying really hard.
i wish for so many things. to be prettier. more likable. to be forgiven.

Ive been feeling that way ALL week

Need to go and talk to doc urgently...



Hopefully you are feeling better now...

as an update: i went to work today. and wasn't feeling well. so i left. and though i could've stuck it out, i just decided to leave.
i can feel the OCD coming back on strong at work lately. i'm so scared of making mistakes that i would rather call in sick than go into work and fear that my boss has found a mistake i've made. how will i ever keep a job? i'm terrified. i don't know what to do. every work place has become a nightmare for me. i fear going in every day.

Manda I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Do you take any medication for anxiety? I think you should call your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. I've taken zanax on occasion and it helps me a lot.

i'm so glad you're online, alffe. oh i'm so grateful.
no i'm not on any meds b/c i have yet to be given a referral to a doc here.
i'm just so worried about what's going to happen if i'm never able to work.

i have some ativan....ugh....i hate taking meds....

Hi honey...I don't know what ativan is. a prescription? I feel the same way about drugs but sometimes they are a necessary evil.

Could you go outside and take a walk? Do you have neighbors you could visit? I hate to think of you being alone and afraid.