Dear David...And that's why I miss you when you hunker down and don't share...you get it, you make it so very clear...~sigh~

Dearest David, so good to see you posting, I have missed you

I hope I can respectfully disagree without causing offence. I have been that deeply depressed. Having your father taken from you by an "act of God" is hard enough... having him taken from you because he killed himself is a pain beyond measure. I have stopped trying to put words to the pain, because only another who has suffered that loss can understand...and they need no words, they know.

Before Dad killed himself, with my physical pain, I understood the need to want to end ones life to end their pain. It is after all penned the "suicide disease" How I hate that now.......((Pono)) ((Tina))

But, it wasn't until after Dad killed himself that I knew emotional pain so great I thought I would surly die from it. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. At any and all cost.

But I didn't kill myself to be with him. Not because I am stronger than he was. Not because I am better that he was. He was the strongest, bravest man I have ever been blessed to know! No, I didn’t because now, I KNEW the hell that would be left behind. I KNEW how greatly I would hurt my family. It is no longer an option to me, ever.

That doesn't mean I don't think about it. I still want nothing more than to be with my Dad.
I miss him every second of every day.

I am also losing my husband. I am watching him die inch by inch. It hurts like hell! So yeah, I think about it.
Every damn day.

But it isn't an option, period. So I swallow my damn pride and call my doctors, go to the hospital until I am "safe". I fight every single day. I like to think Dad would be proud of how hard I am fighting. That gives me strength.....

As to if suicide is selfish.. there is no right or wrong answer. It is an individuals own perspective, taken from their life experience, or lack there of.

I would never presume to understand anyone else’s feelings. And I would hope they wouldn't mine. I do not, nor would I ever sit in judgment of anyone who killed themselves. Anyone other than my Dad that is. He is after all my Dad, he did inflict this pain upon me... I think that gives me a certain right.....

I think I will stop here...............*sigh

(((Nikki))) I remember all too well feeling the way you do now...Mr.Alffe coming into the house with an ashen face..the blur of a houseful of policemen, family, friends. I remember being unable to rise to my feet so I'd crawl from the bed to the bathroom and back again....going to the pet store for bird seed for his cockateil and collapsing in tears when the clerk ask what kind of bird I had....raging at God and denying his existence...pacing and pacing the house...the cemetary and just wanting to die..screaming at the heavens..just take me now.

I refused to talk about Michaels death to anyone...I just could not "get my mind" around it. People sent me books...I couldn't read. And this went on for years...this not talking about "it".

I finally, 8 years later, talked about "it" on BrainTalk...to a handful of strangers who literally give me some measure of peace and hope.

I still have much anger...more than I realized and I probably should have had counseling but my point in bringing all this up again is to tell you that
it will, someday, find it's proper place in your life story. You will begin to remember all the love, all the good times you had with your Dad and the way he died, won't be the definition of his life. You are...the way you give, the way you love Lynn...you are the definition of his life.

quote

But it isn't an option, period. So I swallow my damn pride and call my doctors, go to the hospital until I am "safe". I fight every single day. I like to think Dad would be proud of how hard I am fighting. That gives me strength..... end quote [Nikey]

My post was to highlight that many who die from suicide die because they dont talk about their mental state of mind. Often sadly their state of mind is totaly out of sink with reality to make an informed choice let alone think about the consequences or the aftermath of their impendning and ending deed.

I hear quite loudly your anger your pain, and you are quite right unless someone has walked in your shoes or experienced the awful & painful experience of a family suicide, they cannot truly understand your situation. But respectfuly Nike-key Suicide has no sense of pride, swallowing it and seeking help is only available if the mind of the individual is conciously willing to seek help.

I have often as a survivor of attempted suicide, swallowed my pride since that very dark day in 1993, and yes over the last seventeen years presentend myself at the hospital and my doctor when times are hard to fathom out.. Yet my deepest fear is that...the feeling of emptiness, coldness, absoloute nothingness may re-apear...............thats the bigest fear.the feeling that on the Febuary evening was sureal...and REALITY was not in play in my mind... ALCOHOL may have been and i accept that....... maybe that distorted my reality..i dont know................

My point is reading someones mind is an impossibility...........circumstance and chance.......................have a part to play in the descision we as humans make...........even bad everlasting descions.


If my original post upset you it was not intentional, just a contribution to the thread.
David

((David)) You did not offend me Since first coming here to share my grief you have been nothing but a source of comfort.

Suicide is hard to talk about it... extremely hard. I admire yours and everyone else's courage here that do so. Truly

hey D,

it's great to see you post...

nik-key said a lot of what I wanted to say already...

but as I've always said, life is many perspectives and perceptions....and we all have our own views of the world...

you definitely bring something to the table...

you all do....

and I will come back to this post, on those dark days or nights.....

Pinky promise?

If you ever need help sitting on those gifted hands of yours... you just let me know! I love you

Suicide affects the readiness of the survivor to trust - fears of abandonment may provoke hesitancy toward commitment to any subsequent relationship.

Suicide death in our society is often a source of shame and embarrassment - suicide survivors get less social support and experience more intense feelings of guilt than survivors of other modes of death. Feelings of stigma may cause the survivor to withdraw at the same time that social taboos on discussing suicide cause friends to feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The end result is the absence of supportive and comforting friends who would customarily have made themselves more available for emotional and practical support at the time of a loss by death.

Grief and Mourning After Suicide Norman L. Farverow, Ph.D.

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awwwww *sniff sniff*