I think the moisses household is going to be crazy the next few days, so I guess I'll go ahead and post this...

I am going to miss you guys...again...

on Monday, my in-laws will be leaving and life will go back to chaos. I am so grateful for them to being here, helping us taking care of the little ones, cooking, cleaning, while I sit here lazily at the puter, trading stocks and reading news (I actually got to read something other than children's book and watching children's television)

I am also doing my own version of rehab (trying to not over do it) but hurt myself playing charade...ROFL....

I cannot say how much I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart (as well as moss's,I am sure, she's already back at work full time and getting busy into the swing of things)

your support to me has been...I cannot find a word for it....

it's abysmal, it's touching, it's moving, it's loving, it's supportive, it's kindness, it's togetherness...it's all those and much more and I can't find a SINGLE word that will describe that....

I am touched beyond this puter screen as I want to reach out and hug you all in person....

my mission is clear, I must learn to be a good father and husband, that's my first priority...

But you all will be my friends for the rest of my life or for as long as you'll have me....

I will come back from time to time to check on you guys...and there's always emails and such...

and while I won't be able to post or maybe even get to read much, I take you all in my heart....

I don't know what else to say...I have a big lump in my throat...this is not a permanent good-bye by any means and I might still have until Monday...

but if not, then, this is my heart-felt sincere thanks to say to each and everyone of you....

THANK YOU, for enriching my life beyond any means or expectations...my life is so much richer because of you guys...

so, back to the 9/10th retirement that I goeth...and this time, I am a much RICHER man because of you all...thank you

with much love,

moi

""Say it ain't so, Joe!""

never forget the bubbles ..the ones you have given us and vica versa

well, insomnia helps to get more posts out....

not able to sleep the past few days...

I have so much in my head that I want to get out, and say...yet the hands get lazy and the brain gets mushy and incogfognito(thanks, B2U)...

"LIFE" keeps on circling around my head...

especially when we are talking about LIFE in a survivor for SUICIDE forum....

the paradox in itself...

It's funny that today I really gave suicide a good thought...

not that I was thinking about doing it but trying to understand it while wondering my eternal battles with it...

For a brief moment today....death seems the ONLY answer for a few seconds....

I HAD NO IDEA WHY.....

it could be that I've only had about 10 hours of sleep the past few days or that I am constantly hungry....LOL

and no, I am not doped up on drugs....I have stopped taking my pain meds altogether....and I've been taking some sleep aids but it just isn't working...

I am rambling on here...

I really came here to say "THANKS" once again because I am overwhelmed with emotions with you guys...

I DON'T want to go....

I want to be here, with my family.... I don't want to leave my "home"....

I won't want to leave the bunch that I have survived with for so long...

thick and thin, laughters and pains...

I often wondered if I did my job as YOUR friend??

Did I listened enough? Did I said enough? Did I showed enough care?

I am sure I lacked something somewhere but I hope no one will think it's intentional...

it is almost 1am and I am raw with emotions...life really IS good...yet, I am sad...

I am sad that I have to leave and have not said all I wanted to say...how I feel about my family here...

that I didn't say enough to all of you how much I care, feel, love...how grateful, how thankful...

how you have helped me grow....

I miss you guys already....

Sue, 'tis true, I hate to go but I have to....*sniff*sniff

BMW, thanks for the bubbles, I hope we all float high into the sky and reflect the colors of the rainbows...

(and I see those that hit the thanks button...thank you....anyone ever thought it funny that there is "BUTT" in button but it has no butts, and there's "MUTT" in Mutton but it is not a dog??? OK, I am getting too weird, AGAIN!! )

hey, I just noticed, what happened to the subforum? LOLOLOL (*wink, don't worry, somebody filled me in...I just had to be a little devil and rocked the boat before I go....it's ALL good...LOLOLOL)

(((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))

~~~~~~~~~~~~

stop "-ist" me!!!!

has anyone noticed that there are a lot of -ists these days??

I always seem to be a magnet for these "-ists"...

opening the door for a woman , got glared by a feminist (would call her a lady but might get decked)

terrified of flying, because of the terrorists...

need to get some medicine, need a pharmacist..

they can't make the drugs, without a chemist...

he said white powDer? Was called a racist...

getting work 2/3rd done, sneered by a perfectionist...

accidentally stared at a girl's boobs, coined as a sexist... (was really looking at her pin, honIst!!)

I'd like to slap her silly, but that would make me a chauvinist...

thought I'd head to the beach, to think about being an empiracalist...

tried to fly a kite, laughed by a physicist...

maybe not empirical, more of a transcendentalist...

grew some grey hair, looked down by an ageist...

that really gets my go, I am now his antagonist

as I age I am told, go see a protoclogist...

aye yi yi, remind me not to be a scatologist...

those California fires, started by arsonist(s)....

the gov't ridiculed , by the cartoonist(s)....

some don't consider them, true artist(s)

who the critics think they are? bunch of no good elitist(s)

I had a roommate, who was a facist

he protested a lot, and was an activist

what used to be communists...are now called socialists....

I tried to very hard to avoid, I tried hard to res-ist...

but never could I, run from these pain in the ***-ists....

and wouldn't you know it, I'd never be forunate enough....

because I have never been able, to run into a nudist...

I just can't say "goodbye" ..... I can't, and I wont....

You have touched a place deep within me. I know we will stay friends for years to come

, thanks, Nik, it's not a perm good-bye, more like a curl good-bye...

bye da way, I am still around...hopefully will get more time before Monday...

~~~~~~~

I kept on wanting to type more and more, and explain more and more, and that IS my nature...

to some, it can be quite annoying, that's OK, I can't change that but I've learned to curb it through the years...(can you imagine it used to be a lot worse than this? LOL)

today, I answered a PM that I thought best sums up why I have to leave....

it's NOT to create a stir....that's not my nature....(and no, the person did NOT accuse me of stirring anything. Sheesh, why am I always explaining every little things in fear of sending out the wrong infos? LOLOL)

(reason for statement above, in the 10 years plus that I've been around the forums, I have seen forum members saying good-bye and I have seen criticisms of some that says that they are just creating a stir...I am sure there will be those out there that think that of me. That's OK...it won't stop me from posting what's in my heart...LOL)

when I came back to NT after my surgery, and I have been absent for about almost 3 months, I got a bit of messages and PM's that I felt bad that I've neglected.

I don't have EVERYONE on my email and I was very touched by the concerns...

I hope I didn't offended anyone for not replying for so long. And I have been playing catch up the best that I could...

my pattern as some of you may have noticed, is not to make a post or two...I usually leave a trail behind me....LOL
And that IS time consuming...and it is not something that I will and wanting change. That's just me..

and time is what I won't have....

I am going to humbly admit and submit that WOMEN, are the superior sex when it comes to parenting. (at least, when it comes to THIS male here)

I don't know how the moms out there do it....that have 2,3,4,5,6 or more children, able to get them all up, ready on time. Taking care of the various ages through different stages and still have time to cook, clean, watch soap opera, call their sisters and mothers, and still have the time to come and read and post.

I am not sure how Octopus mom is going to do it, and how Kate is going to do it now without Kong?

I don't know how my moss does it. She gets up at 5am each day, goes to work and works hard, comes home, immediately helps out with the kiddos until they go to bed, and still helps with cleaning, cooking, and all that stuff.

Then, there's me....

I have an easy job because I work from home and all I do is draw on my computer, play the stock market, watch the market (tank). And while I do have a parttime job, it is only 8 hours a week (which I am hoping to return to soon) and they offer a day care and will watch the kids for free for the times that I work. Every once in awhile, I get to teach/sub at the college but that is no longer an option for me anymore (not sure why I am even mentioning this, but I know some folks have wondered what it IS that I do for a living? LOLOLOL)

yet, with the kiddos, by noon, I am exhausted. By 8 pm, when they go to sleep and moss and I could have some alone time, I am often snoring while my eyes are opened..

til this day, I have NOT figured out how to multi-task well with the kids around. I see my dear wife doing it. And I KNOW she's tired...yet there there is a strength that she just generates, and I have NO idea where she gets it from...

If I know how to multi-task with the kids around, I definitely would NOT leave my family here...*sniff *sniff..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are days that I feel defeated with the kids. I am not sure if they love me or fear me...

but I'll tell you what reconfirmed me that I need to concentrate on being a good papo to these kids...

The other day, our little J wasn't behaving well for most of the day. And I really had to have hard talks with him and put him in the time out a lot that day. And I did feel discouraged because most of that day, he would either go to my mother in law or da wife and didn't really wanted anything to do with me...

anyways, that night, while m-i-l, da wife, and I were talking and grand daughter was sitting on my lap, joining in the conversation whenever she could, as well...

out came little J, who just turned 4 this month, with a note.

He announced that he had written ME a letter. And proceeded to read it out loud.

Now, he knows the alphabets but can barely write them. And he knows how to spell few words but he can't spell them on paper. (when I give them time out, I make them spell simple words like G-O-O-D. LOL)

So, there were just a few letters (his name, especially) on the paper and the rest are a bunch of wavy lines...

but he read his letter to me...(I jotted it down the best I could of what he said, but this is the gist of it)

"Dear Papo,

I wrote you this letter because I love you very much because you are always so nice and kind and do things for us. I am sorry I said a bad thing to you but I really love you up to the sky.

J(his name)."

by the time he was half way done, I was already choking up in tears and as I looked over to da wife and m-i-l, they both had tears in their eyes as well....

I hugged him tight and vowed to myself that, "whatever it takes....whatever it takes...."

I have come to love them like my own...I didn't know if I would've or not...but they ARE my kids now....and whatever it takes...

If I ever get to the point that the I can watch soap opera and take care of the kids at the same time, I shall give up "Drags of our Lives" and the "Shame and the Legless" and come spend time here with you guys...(I really don't watch soaps,btw. LOL)

but until that day comes, this papo will need to devote his time the best that he could to his loving wife and now THEIR kids...

and while I do, you dear people will walk beside me......

I believe this with all my heart..... Moi you are an amazing person.... We love you very much!!!!!

There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second....Logan Pearsall Smith


It's your time now Mwa ..... to achieve the second.

Time to love and enjoy your babies! Time to spend loving & spoiling your darling Moss, and time to spoil yourself!

Please don't forget about you Mwa. It's time for you to learn to love yourself.

I will miss you, we will all miss you, but your family need you now, and families come first as Goofy so beautifully put it.

It's time for you to do the numbers and put number ONE on top, and then number two, then number three, number four, you get the idea? Then ... if you ever get a minute in your day that's not been accounted for.... do remember that we'll always be here.

I promised myself I'd not cry but I'm finding it hard to keep that promise to myself, so I'll just say the following......

我會想念你我親愛的朋友。

(Gosh I hope that translates well! )


......................So... until next time my friend:





__________________

nik, thanks for thinking what I am doing is honorable...but really, it isn't about honorable but something that should come naturally...

I cannot, for the life of me, understand why the parents of these children would NOT choose to be the parents that they should be to them. Just like Jaded's son and daughter in law. How can they, as BIRTH parents abandon a duty that should come naturally??

I don't get it. I think I am simply stepping to do something naturally, that is, to make sure another (in this case) two more human beings can get the best chance that they can get.

in my ideology, my heart is for that NO one suffers....NO ONE deserves to suffer...and since I don't have the means to help the world, I might as well start with the two that I can at least do something for....

and you're right, they have become a GIFT to me...as I learn more from them than I have been teaching them...sometimes, they come out with such whoppers and sayings that boggle my mind...

you have been a gift to me/us/forum, as well, nik....
~~~~~~~~
goofy,

everytime we go to Savannah we still talk about all of us being down there, by the river, listening to those two blues singers and I remembered studying Scott and your and your families' faces...there was a glow

most of all, there was an excitement in Scott...that I saw a part of myself in....the part that was long lost....and for that day, for that brief moment, I found it...

and his confidence and well being is helped shaped from wonderful parents such as you....and of all your struggles, you have churned out two wonderful kids....amazing goes back to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and we love you back, dear Alpho...if you didn't created a home for us to come to in the first place....there wouldn't have been the family...

you planted the seed, you nurtured it and you watched us grow...and in it, you grew yourself....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David,

when I read what you wrote the other morning, I was just on my way to bed, I had been up for almost 30 hours by then, I was tired and exhausted...I haven't cried hard in awhile, I mean, I have shed a tear or two and have had lumps in my throat, but your post brought streams of tears down to me and I had to go find a quiet place to sob...

thank you for your kind words and I am not sure if I am deserving of the praises....but I am learning to be a gracious receiver, as moss would tell me to be....

as you may have noticed, there aren't many dudes in these forums(I am NOT complaining, ladies. LOL). So, whenever I find a male buddy, I always get that little bit of "je nais se quoi" inside...maybe it is something about "male bonding" that I surely do treasure...I dunno what it is, but I do treasure it...

your gift of poetry and your gift of perspective from a different spectrum is always refreshing and valued. I always enjoy reading your views and it always leave me thinking...

btw, I almost got to see Daltrey in 94 on his 50yo b-day...but it was one of those, should've, could've, didn't things...

and...the kiwi lost ot when she left for the marsupials....

thank you, my dear friend...reaching out a hand to shake but instead grabbing you tightly for a polar-bear hug...but you can be my bathroom buddy anyday....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anne,

that wisest of mankind, Mr. Smith, definitely was something else. I am not sure if I'll even be able to wax his shoes. LOL...

"TRIVIA" and "MORE TRIVIA", my mind does retain....useless information more and more pertain do I...

"Afterthoughts" I try to NOT regret..."Last Words" usually something I try to refrain...

我會想念你我親愛的朋友。 (Same back to you, every word was in the right place and it is perfectly translated...and stressing on "親愛")

~~~~~~~~~~~

I can go on, and say more...but then again, maybe I've said too much....

til we meet again....*with a tear and a smile...

to all 我親愛的朋友們

(((((((((((((()))))))))))))for the broom...

and for the singing mime