I long ago cut off the "toxic" from my life. I stopped sending money for "hungry kids" or "oil for frozen pipes" or "medicine for sick kids" for a while I switched from giving cash to them, to giving money to the pharmacy or the oil company or light company. Then I found out my sis was being "friendly" with the store clerk and he was adding cigarettes to the childrens pharmacy bill. My sis was tapping into the oil tank and selling it by the gallon to the neighbors. She was allowing extension cords to run from her trailor to the next for a price. So..it was hard, but I cut her off clean. I refuse to carry my brothers garbage. He can talk all he wants, he aint getting in my heart anymore. I dont feel sad, mad or upset after talking to him.

I did get a phone call from my mom yesterday. She is going to be having some back surgery soon. She has collapsed vertibrae from post polio syndrome. (btw, my mom has brain damage from polio as a child. I think she cant help being how she is) She asked if I would please come down and help when it happens. I told her I would think about it. She will call me this week to let me know when the surgery is.

I managed to have a clear conversation with her about after life plans. She wants to be creamated. She wants a simple memorial service, nothing flashy. She wants her ashes spread in a place that is easy for me to get to. She chose a woman who is a friend to the family as her executor. That confuses me, but not my choice. She said it has upset her that I am so far away, and wouldnt be able to get to her quickly if something happened, and she had to name someone who would stand up to my sister. I may not agree with her choice, but I understand. She admitted to a five thousand dollar insurance policy. she wanted what was left over to go to the grandkids. I explained that wasnt enough to creamate her. She wanted to argue.

Long ago, I spoke to both my brothers who have agreed that if she needs money to be creamated, that we would ALL chip in. My sister wont, because she has a bag full of stories. I dont know much about this woman she chose, so ...not sure how that would work, but I am NOT going to carry it with me. If they need me, they will call me, and I can make my choices then. I cant and wont carry it till then.

I think I will save my visit for when she has her surgery. I can go and help while she is in the first couple of weeks of recovery. She will have visiting nurses, and a home health aide come in, so that will relieve many worries. So, I believe I will go, and this will give me the chance to say my goodbyes to her. I in my heart of hearts believe that I wont ever make the choice to go back there. While she is weak in a recovery state she will be calmer and less venomous. then i can quietly slip away, and let come, what is going to come.

Thanks for all the support. my family has tortured me all of my life, and it took many decades to learn how to set them aside and live MY life. You guys rock!