ah Dej. As has been said so many times, you can't control anyone's actions, you can only control your reaction.

You have to live with your own conscience. It sounds to me that reluctantly, despite the family drama and how it affects you emotionally, you feel a certain obligation to see your mom one last time. No matter how it goes down, in the long run, it feels as if you will be at peace with yourself for going through this.

I say go. The drama will be there full force. You will be mad, it will hurt. Everyone will be horrible.

Then you will come back to your life and pull out what you did right and move forward.

It will be hard to do but it sounds like you are already half way there by just asking "if" you should go. You seem to be looking for excuses not to go all the time knowing that you have to go.

That is my psychobabble! Take it for what it is. I am not telling you to go or else you are a terrible person, etc. I am just reacting to a bad situation and giving you my honest reaction.

In the long run, you will figure it out and it will be the right thing for YOU.

Thank you for all the wonderful letter, both public and private.

#1 I forgave my mom a long time ago. I believe Polio as a child caused her to have brain damage, and she simply isnt able to make better choices. Her choices still upset me, but I see her as a blunted child who is being taken advantage of by a sister who does know better.

#2 like all of us, i want to be loved, and respected, and welcomed by my family. I KNOW they are not capable of this, and its a fact I must live with. They view me as a closed pocket book. That I am sitting here on a hill of money and refuse to share it with them, even if its going to be used for drugs, or bad choices. I stopped sending support long ago to all of them.

#3 I love my mom. Even tho her choices, behavior and situation upset me greatly. She hurts me deeper than anyone else on earth. She is quick to cut me to the core, and quick to throw stones. After this many years I have to accept the fact that unconditional love and support just are not coming.

#4 to go would be for ME. it would be a chance to say goodbye face to face to my mom. I doubt I would ever make the effort to go again till after she passes, and may not even go then. Funerals are for the living, and I have no intention of showing up for the others. My mothers body wont even have a chance to get cold before the others strip out her house, and rob her blind. Not that there is anything of value left. mom hocked it all year after year to get my sis out of trouble. her house is filled with salvation army style stuff.

Nothing can stir up the BS after faster than my family. I have never been seen as kind, sweet, funny, dependable or a sister. I have always been mean, rude, stingy, uppitty and hoity toity. I have a beter education and rub it in their faces. I have more money and lord it over them. I have a solid standing in my community and never fail to let them know that I am loved everywhere. I am supposed to receive celebrity status where ever I go. They have no idea what they missed out on. its thier loss and I no longer lose sleep over it.

I still havent made up my mind, but would love to be able to slip in, and talk to my mom. I know it doesnt matter what I want. I will get there, and she will shred me. She will tell me what a bad person I am for not bailing out my sis. What a bad daughter I am for not living next door. What a bad friend I am for not sharing my pocket book, pill bottles, and community standing to make an easier path for my sister to walk on. I have no disillisions about being greeted as the missing child, the loved one who found her way home. it will be a tense and stressful meeting no matter what.

*sigh* who wants to adopt me as their sister?

Dej,
All I can say is to follow your gut instinct.

So many of us have dysfunctional families like you. A couple of months ago, my sister got very ill and was in the hospital in horrible pain. We've had an on again, off again relationship over the years...
Anyway, her daughter contacted me, as well as her DIL, and told me she was dying...that if I wanted to see her, I should drive over.

She lives about 350-400 miles away, so DH and I got in the car and drove there...I wanted to hug her, tell her I loved her and say goodbye.

Needless to say, she was NOT dying...but really appreciated that I drove over and saw her.
She's home now and weak, but it's difficult to talk to her because she is such an energy vampire...I feel so drained after I hang up...so I haven't been so good about calling (she NEVER calls me). By the way, she is my older sister, my only sibling.

I'm still glad I went to see her. I try my best to avoid all of the dysfunctional drama that comes with her family...but I also try to stay in touch...she's the only family I have left, and I really don't think she'll be around long term.

So, my dear, you need to do what you feel will be best for YOU. If you think you'll have regrets about not going, then go. If you feel it is in your best interests, both physically and mentally, to stay home and send a quiet prayer her way, then do that.
If you are not received warmly, can you handle it? Are you thinking of going there in order to heal your wounds, no matter what happens?

These are things to think through. Either way, you will make the decision that is right for you...
our thoughts and prayers are with you, dear

We ALL want you for our sister!! You've got family...all those you find and love are The Family. Just embrace them when you find them.

Good evening,

You already read about (at least in part) my "crazy" family. I mentioned in my thread "Bah Humbug" that on my last birthday I made the decision to "DIVORCE" my family & I meant that LITERALLY.

In May my mom (adopted/ bio mom's sister) asked me if I was sending bio mom a birthday card. I told her I was sending her an INVISIBLE one just like she has been sending me.

My family & I differ on almost everything. One of the biggest bones of contention is religion. I am ADAMENT about what I want when I pass. I also cannot stand it when people show up at someone's funeral speaking of how wonderful the deceased was & how much they will miss the person when you know that in reality they treated the deceased like a piece of dog turd when they were alive. I have very specific legal instructions about what I want when I pass; very detailed but essentially no funeral but a "CELEBRATION OF LIFE". This "CELEBRATION OF LIFE" is spelled out SPECIFICALLY INCLUDING who CAN & CANNOT attend. I SWEAR I WILL TURN OVER IN MY GRAVE if my bio mom or any of my so called sisters showed up at my funeral as though they were truly mourning a loss. They have shown thru words & action throughout the last 30+ years (how long I have know who my bio family was) exactly what they think of me & how they feel about me. I DO NOT need a bunch of phonies crowding around my grave. The reality is the ONLY REASON they would show up is to see if I left any money or anything of value.

One other quick story. I saw a psychiatrist, Sandra for 20+ years she really helped me with my family issues & many other things & we became more friends & colleagues (I worked in the field of mental health); she was my mentor, my friend, a parent when I needed one, a sister when I needed one... She was at my college graduation, my 40th birthday, we would meet for coffee, so many things. Said was not much older than I was & no matter how bad things got in my life Sandra had a way of assuring me that everything would be ok. Sandra passed away suddenly & unexpectedly of complications of lupus - it will be 4 years in January - I miss her every single day, some days more than most.

Less than 3 weeks after Sandra died my adoptive father died. He & mom adopted me as an infant; he was the only father I ever knew but I HATED HIM; boy did he give me many reasons to. He was a verbally abusive, cross dressing alcoholic. About 6 years before he died he developed Alzhiemer's & his disease progressed rapidly. He & my mom lived in this fantasy world of "Bob doesn't remember the past so it didn't happen" Well it DID happen & I will NEVER forget it.

Mom INSISTED I show up at the wake & funeral to support HER. While I was there physically I WAS NOT there mentally. I seperated from him as as child & had no connection to him; his death DID NOT sadden me but Sandra's death devastated me to the point I contemplated suicide - how could I live without her? I HAVE NOT mourned for Bob 1 SINGLE DAY & DO NOT think I ever will. By the time I was 10 he was "dead" to me. Sandra WAS NOT blood but she treated me with more kindness, consideration, love & understanding than anyone; YES often better than my mom (adopted).

Right now I am going thru a really bad time emotionally & all I keep thinking is "if Sandra were here then everything would be ok" Blood means NOTHING. I will respect you so long as you respect me.

I can't tell you how many times that both my mom and my dad were near death's door for years before they passed. I went there often, driving the two hour round trip even knowing it was hard for me with the MS and the stress.

I voted for you to stick by the phone and hope for the best. If she does really take a turn for the worse you can make the flight and just pay more for a short notice flight. Since your own health has been so poor lately it will be best for all involved if you stick to home until if/when you really need to go.

Then, if you must, stay at a hotel and only visit briefly so you can get home to rest and little Jack.

Of course this is only my opinion and you should follow your own heart. Whatever you decide it will be ok.

What a powerful thread this has become. I'll had some story to it to see if it can help.

First, I can't even imagine being in the situations you are all in. So any advice I may have is from my faith, living and years of nursing. I came from a large Baptist preachers family that family is everything. So I really can only sympathize and not empathize with you all.

My son in laws life was not the same thoug. He came from a family that had alcaholics and abusers. Both his Mom and Dad abused all of the kids, his back has burn scars. To make a long story short, his mother ran over his dad in a drunken rage and killed. him. So he immediately became a ward of the court along with his two brothers and sister. As the oldest he had more problems and was shuffled from one foster home to another. He finally ended up in a wonderful group home and to this daay he calls them Mom and Dad. So to speed forward, his mother is released from prison, and he is asking me whether he should ask her why she did it. He knows where she is and has her current address. He had tried to send her cards when he was much younger and she never returned any communication. My son in law is older and a little wiser now and needs some answers and closure. So I told him that I think he should send her another letter and first start by letting her know what is happening to him, maybe some pictures. Then he should ask her what happened. If she chooses not to answer then he will know that it is HER choice for not going through the door that he has opened. He will always know that he did his part. He also knows that he has a huge family here that will always love him no matter what happens. And believe me, sometimes he pushes the button but we still love him.

To all who are struggling through this, only you know your gut feeling. And in the end you have to live with yourself. I also like to think that what we do now is helping to carve our legacy we leave for our children and grandchildren.

Big hugs to all of you

Dear Dej,

I don't know if I'm even qualified to render an opinion on this except from a very nonbiased and unemotional standpoint.

After reading every post in this thread I've come to two final conclusions.

1) If "YOU" must see your Mom one more time for "YOU," then make it a "seek and destroy mission." Meaning, covertly gain access, do what you have to with your Mom and disappear without anyone else even knowing you were there.

2) In life, to fully enjoy the experience, one must rid themselves of "toxic" people. That means family members too. We can not control what they think and do, but we can absolutely control whether we give them permission to negatively affect our lives in any aspect. Do not give them permission. Do not accept their responsibility as they project it on you.

In the end, should you feel prompted so, the only person you may owe anything is your Mom. You don't owe your brother or sister anything in any way shape or form. They, not you, are the ones who have the problems. Let them take care of their own situational relationships. They have the right to obtain counseling, but not at the expense of sending you into counseling. You have the right to refuse. Everybody is an adult and needs to act like it by taking responsibility for themselves and not schluff it off on you as a middle-man. Uhh, "NO!"

That's my take regardless of family or not you still hold all of your own cards.

WOW - we are all an amazing group of individuals!! I love you all for your wisdom, care, support, kindness and maturity. I could go on and on with songs of praise. I am so glad to be hanging out with each one of you.

Craig, #2 is absolutely right for me and that is what I have done. I have rid myself of "toxic" people including family members on both sides. I did this a few years ago. Major stress like that is not good at all and I knew that I had to do it as it was not doing my health any good whatsoever.

So thank you Craig for that statement.