[legzzalot]

DD13's trainwreck of a biological mother has indeed blown into town. They are supposed to go see a movie with the youngest kid and grandma today.

This is the first time they have seen each other since mom decided to drop in for a surprise visit when DD was 8 and had all of 5 words to say to her.

Her mother has moved back to KY to live with her uncle and his wife and their kids and the roomate... 9 people under one roof. She walked out when DD was 3, came back for the divorce when she was 5 pregnant with another baby, and then disappeared until she was 8.

Now all of a sudden she is back in town and bombarding DD with promises and vows that the grown ups know she will not keep. DD can't log onto FB without her mom messaging her.

I am worried. I have a right to be worried. This woman has been MIA for the last 10 yrs and been married 3 times and divorced and has been a drug addict. I am worried about DD. I want to hope that this woman has changed like she claims but I cannot believe it.

I want so desperately to snatch DD away and keep her safe from this woman but I have to face the fact that this is her mother, I cannot protect her or learn her lessons for her. I see a trainwreck waiting to happen. I see DD getting hurt and being let down and I cannot do anything to stop it.

Hate this feeling. WHy do our children have to learn lessons on their own? I wish I had a magic ball that would show DD the outcome so she can skip the heartbreak part.

[Dejibo]

my own DD now 27 came to me when she was 14 and very sick. Her bio mom was very blaise' about the whole thing. Told me this kid was manipulating folks to tell them how sick she is, and if I wanted to step in, go for it, but dont look to her for help. DD spent about a month in and out of the MD offices, and hospitals before we finally got her stable enough to eat. She was 78 pounds and 5'6" it was painful to watch. She would ask me as the years passed why her mom was the way she was. I encouraged her to love her mother, but dislike the mothers actions. To enjoy mom while she was sober, stable and active, but to not be heartbroken when she disappeared again, or snapped and said hurtful things.

it took many years for DD to trust bio mom, and start to understand that this woman was unstable, and not able to care for herself. It was DDs lesson to learn. I could only hold her hand while she figured it out.

I ask you to consider aiming this child towards love. Speak to her and tell her that real mom is trying very hard to say things that will make up for the hurt of not being around for many years. That we dont always have to believe everything that everyone says, and no matter what YOU are standing right there. It will be ok no matter what happens. DD said she used to become so excited when mom would show up and make promises, and ask for forgiveness, but after a while it just got to be more of the same sad song, and she learned quickly that mom was temporary.

Can you speak to bio mom? Can you let her know that this child IS excited to see her, but there is no need to go over board with promises that cant be kept? That to have her here for today is enough, she doesnt have to promise a tomorrow. Perhaps if she can deal just one day at a time she can offer at least one stable day. If she isnt willing or able, perhaps you can simply prep this child that for today bio mom is here. its really really really hard not to want to go slap the snot out of this woman, trust me I know. Its so much better for YOU to be the one grown up this kid can count on. As long as bio mom isnt fighting for custody, then the best you can do is be supportive and be a safety net.

This mom will most likey spend a few days or weeks hanging around, and the grow weary of it, and go away.

Im rooting for you.

[SallyC]

I still think that, you and Dej are part of the same Family..

[legzzalot]

Its just so hard. I mean if I leave now, I can make it to KY by the time the movie gets out and I can follow her home and dispose of her body with just enough time to make it back here in time for my infusion tomorrow. But I don't think I will have the energy to drive back. Sheesh!

No, I have not had contact with the bio. She did send the man a friend request and an email on facebook of course...what is with the crazy peple on there?? He did not respond to either. Unless it concerns DD he is staying out of it.

I honestly think he contacting DD was more a matter of convenience as DD lives in the same neighborhood as this woman's mother. And they are now in the same town. I do not think she has tried contacting the other children she has not seen in however many years. They live with their father in VA. About 30 miles from our house. And I have to question if DD had come to live here last summer, if she would have bothered contacting her.

She seems very jealous of my relationship with DD, and rightfully so as we have a relationship.

DD did say the other day that she at least deserves a second chance. It was so hard for me to not tell her the only thing this woman deserves is a kick in the butt and a one way ticket back to HE?? where she came from.

Her mother is already pushing for a second date in mid april and they haven't een seen each other yet. I am just so scared because I see DD having so much hope, and I see her struggling with her feelings or lack thereof. She feels guilty for not feeling a love for hermom that she thinks should be there and I have to tell her that is perfectly normal.

And I have to hold her hand and I have to be here to pick up the pieces when her mother shatter her heart again. Its been so hard the last 4 years watching this child grow into a little woman and seeing her heart broken because her real mom wasn't there. We have become very close over the years and this is driving me insane.

[kicker]

Nobody can hurt us as much as those who we expect really shouldn't.

[legzzalot]

Well so far so good. The text messages started again aroun 2:30 when they were having lunch. DD says it is not as horrible as she expected. But the simple fact that she was texting me during her moms time speaks for itself. They are at the movies now I am sure I will have the full recap this evening.

Now I wait for her return.

And I wonder, is it going to be this scary when she starts dating?

[Dejibo]

you have to trust that your training in this young woman will pay off. She is trusting, and that is a good thing. She is giving a 2nd chance, and that shows she is capable of empathy and sympathy. This is a good thing. She is going to have her heart broken by boys, girls, and yes even her real mom. She will always know you are standing there waiting. in the rain, the snow, the dark or the break of day, she can always count on you being there. Not all kids can say that, so she is ahead of the game.

You have done great! now...breathe. the kid will be back soon.

[kicker]

Originally Posted by Dejibo

you have to trust that your training in this young woman will pay off. She is trusting, and that is a good thing. She is giving a 2nd chance, and that shows she is capable of empathy and sympathy. This is a good thing. She is going to have her heart broken by boys, girls, and yes even her real mom. She will always know you are standing there waiting. in the rain, the snow, the dark or the break of day, she can always count on you being there. Not all kids can say that, so she is ahead of the game.

You have done great! now...breathe. the kid will be back soon.

I thought dating and driving would kill me but I lived. Then both went off to college and how I cried when they left. By the end of Winter break I said goodbye easily. Spring break seemed long to me. They grow up and start saying goodbye. We all did. Circle of life. My friend is celebrating being a grandpa. He was 30 when we met. I was so young I thought him so mature. We're both gray now.

[legzzalot]

Well, she survived. There was not much talk of the day as there was not much talk during the day, hence why she was texting me during lunch. She was bored.

She realizes mom is living with 8 people in a little house, she realizes mom just jerked her youngest kid from her dad and moved 3,000 miles away and she realizes mom is not as great as mom claims to be, but she is not ready to give the full scoop and I didn't ask too many questions, I know she will tell me when the time is right.

On the plus side, DD6 came home after a weekend at her dads, Mom brought her home so I didn't have to go get her and my mom is spending the night tonight so she can go to my Ty infusion with me.

This is why it is so strange to me. I cannot get along with the rest of the family but I have always been very close to my mom. It was this relationship that has made me so close to my own girls.I cannot imagine ever walking away from them. I don't understand how any mother can just walk away and move on without her child.

And the man come home and decided not to order pizza but to go to the store and buy stuff to grill. Between the steaks, sausages, bacon wrapped scallops, shrimp, veggies, and cressants.... I think I may have a cholesterol problem. LOL