ah what a cruel time of life. magical and wonderful, yet cruel. We feel we are grown. we feel our parents are stupid and just dont have a clue. We have all the answers, and since we graduated, (the more honors, the smarter we are) highschool, we are now ready to live life as a grown up. The thing is they dont know, what they dont know. Its hard to let go and watch them scrape their knee, or bruise their pride. be exhausted, and become worn down, sick and chose friends that drink and party. unfortunatly its HER lessons to learn. You have done a good job momma. You have raised a fine young woman. its time to stand by her, without insisting on holding her hand while she starts to make her way in this world. She is going to stumble, be tired, worn down, and find people that are going to hurt her. She may hurt herself, but its part of the learning process. many momma's stand by and chew their finger nails to the bone.

Start by giving her some grown up responsibilites. If she wants to be an adult, that comes with the chores of one. If she is not in school, then she needs to be contributing to the house. A token rent payment, and she should be paying at least half of her car insurance. You should NOT be buying gas unless its to help her get to and from work. If she wants to party have friends pick her up. She shouldnt be driving to and from parties any way. Offer to drop her off and pick her up, but dont encourage drunk driving. She should have household chores. Trash, or bathrooms. doing her own laundry, and Im sorry, but I know you love those earrings. lets set up a savings plan so you can afford them on your own, not on daddy's credit card. Going away to build houses is a great idea. it will show her others who have nothing! others who must rely on the kindness of strangers to have a roof, food, and support. its humbling.

Please take comfort that this is a normal part of life. The best you can do is stand beside her while helping her handle some of the responsibilities you are going to be handing her one by one. Hang in there, and watch her blossom. I hope she amazes you. :hug:

Again
 

A simple remark like, "I'm going to miss you!" will say more than anything else.

Are you ok Faith?

:hug:

Yes, tell her you love her. Tell her you support her. Then leave her alone. The harder you try the worse she will treat you. The more you do for her, the more she will take advantage of you. You have reached a tough love stage. I understand where your head is, as mine was there once too.

I finally said enough! You will not treat me this way-ever! I got her an apartment and then walked away. Then she came back to me. She learned valuable lessons while away. She grew up. She found out what it meant to work, pay the bills and respect and care for the ones you love. She found out she was not ready to be grown up and it was great character building experience. Mine was honors too. She graduated a year early. Talk about thinking she knew it all.

I know it hurts...but if you think doing her laundry will make her love you...she won't. It's when you DON'T do her laundry that she comes to appreciate you. The harder you try, the more she'll turn away. Cut the strings, as hard as it is....and stop doing for her. Stop letting her control your life...at this age they enjoy that power they have over you until you say enough.

I have only a few rules now. Tell me where you are. If you won't be home, tell me. Keep the room clean. Do your laundry. Keep PT employment and school (College) Full time. For this, she may live under my roof for free. I pay her car insurance. If she breaks these expectations, she's on her own. She knows it, respects it....and does it.

JMHO

Just a note and words of encouragement. She's got to spread her wings and be allowed the space to become her own person. If that means falling on her face, then that's her lesson to learn.

Here's a quote from one of my daily reads yesterday "Whatever needs to be maintained through force is doomed."~Henry Miller

Now, I'm certainly not saying you are using force. What I'm getting at, is the rest of the read goes onto talk about sometimes we have to step back from other adults(dd is 18) and let them fall if they must. Because there is a difference between caring and caretaking.

I'm sure she doesn't want to hear that her choices are mistakes or her decisions are doomed for disaster, she just wants to know that if she falls, you--mom & dad, will be there to help her move on with her life.

Of course, she's unaware of what personal responsibility is....she's only 18! ;) Gosh, I'm still learning at 33, hehehe. Many of the descriptors you used for your dd---remind me much of myself. She'll grow into a fine woman!

Let her go on this journey. I wish my mom let me go do a volunteer service, in Nevada, prior to starting college. I would have been helping out in an environmental aspect. I could have qualified for further scholarships in college, had I done that. My mom wasn't looking at the bigger picture.

Best of Luck as you learn to let your DD spread her wings.

Faith, it's going to be OK. I would say all kids do this and stretch their wings as they get older, especially at 18. Everything you mentioned by youngest son did and is still doing. The difference is we are OK with it because we like that he's becoming more independent. Yeah, he rolls his eyes and we know he can't wait to get back to school to live on his own but that's OK. We were the same way. She'll come back as her maturity grows. She's just realizing she's an adult and wants to get her toes wet. Let her go and be there when she needs her parents, which I promise you, she will. I am on my 4th year of letting go and it does get easier. :hug:

NOW, put down that laundry!

it was so incredibly painful to watch mine fall, and stumble and make bad choices. it ripped my heart out, and all the fluffy words, and great advice didnt make it feel any better. its something you and she will have to survive.

Tuck a pic of you and her when she was a little kid into her luggage.
emails are great, but try to be her cheerleader and not her teacher. she will be receptive to cheerleading, and get distant on lessons. tuck a pre paid phone card into her luggage, so that if she wants/needs to call home, she can without worry of money. talk her her, let her know that you are trying, but sometimes its hard to let babies be grown women.

It was so hard, but mine stumbled, fell, scraped both knees, and bled alot. she stopped doing things that made her bleed. she stopped seeing others that picked at open wounds. she made good choices, and she made bad ones. she learned from the bad ones, and was proud of the good ones.

Hang in there. its a tough thing to go through.

I totally agree with AMN and the others who have suggested, words will go farther than a material item, let her know how you feel, talking is the best meds, and I am pretty sure I was 24 yrs old when i finally realized my folks were not living in the darkages