Faith, I have been reading through this thread trying to come up with ideas to help you. I know we have PMed a few times as our daughters were/are both having similar issues over the past year.

Last night when DD18 came home, and I hope you don't mind this, I talked to her about this and asked what she would want me to do and what her expectations were of me. These are some key points that she made.

1. Don't buy me things or do special things for me it will on make me madder and not want to talk to you. Also, it would make me want to keep behaving in a negative way as I will get gifts and special things. Then I only learned how to manipulate. If you are going to get me things, get me things to help me move out. But, don't kiss up to me because I'm being a brat.

2. Do show that you support my decision to "move out" but don't go doing everything for me.

3. Don't send me texts, e-mails, or notes saying how much you love me. I already know that and it will make me mad.

4. Help me with learning how to be an adult. Teach me how to budget and how to manage a bank account. (She just recently overdrew on her account and called me bawling about it.)

These are straight from an 18 year old who is dying to move out as well as thinking that because she is an adult now she can do what she wants. WRONG! There are consequences for every action and now that she is 18 the consequences are greater and less forgiving. A few weeks ago she was furious with me as she wanted to go somewhere at 12 midnight. NOT! Although I have extended her curfew to 1, there was no way that she could get to her friends house to pick up another friend who was going to spent the night and make it back home.

I did do a estimated budget with her a few months ago and she realize, with much tears involved, that she does not make enough to move out. Her car insurance, which she has to pay herself, and gas take up her entire pay for the month. After doing the budget, I asked her "Now, what can you do to get to where you can move out and be on your own?" Not that I was kicking her out or anything, it was a matter of I know you want to move out and support your decision.

I think simply telling her (without overdoing it) how proud you are of her. Really! She sounds amazing with the jobs, the activities, and the work that she will be doing in the Gulf. Also ask her what you can do to help her get ready for her trip.

Telling her verbally and looking her in the eye, how much you appreciated her coming to talk to you will mean everything to her. Say it once and let it go. She wants to be treated in a more adult manner and, let's face it, that's what we adults do to each other - say we appreciate it and move on.

I do wish you both the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers.:hug:

Oh, btw, once she is down in the Gulf and helping out, definitely send care packages and such. She will really appreciate them.

I can’t imagine that I would EVER stop loving my children, no matter what they did. That’s not even really a “choice”, it’s a given . . . and of course she already knows you love her.

It sounds like she has always done things to please you, and you have supported her because she’s done mostly everything a good little girl is “supposed” to do. She is not a little girl any more though . . . and you can’t control the decisions she makes.

I don’t agree with some of the choices my 16 yr old makes either, but I definitely pick my battles. She wanted a “little tattoo on her ankle”, and I said “NO, not until you are an adult (18) . . . then YOU can choose how you permanently alter your body”. I still won’t like it if she does that then . . . but it will definitely be her choice as an ADULT.

She wanted a belly-button pierce. I said “No tongue, no privates, in no place that will scar you . . . but you can have a teeny-tiny nose stud”. That satisfied her.

She wants to go to parties. I let her go, but she MUST come home so I can observe her behavior upon her return.

She wanted to travel with her friends to Florida. I said “No, but you can travel to anywhere in Canada (and only with certain friends)”. I am afraid to let her go, but it is a relatively safe way to let her learn.

She has made some mistakes, and that’s what kids normally do. It sounds as though your daughter has not sewn her oats at all (until recently), but now that she is an adult, you have no authority to put limits on her. She is legally allowed to do what she wants, and she IS going to mess up at times. Hopefully she won’t have a tattoo on her forehead by the time she’s done.

You have raised her well, Faith. She has strong morals and values, and she will come back to them when all is said and done. There comes a point though where you have to STAND BACK, and just pray they come out of it alive. I know, it’s agonizing.

I was a pretty good kid, but when my mom tried to tell me what to do at 15, I moved out on my own. I cooked, cleaned and did laundry for 12 people in order to support myself through high school. You might not agree with what she is doing, but at least you know she is alive every morning when you wake up. Count your blessings, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

I mean this with the best intentions.

Cherie

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like what you said to your DD here :D "What can YOU do, to get to where you WANT to be...." Wonderful choice of words...and it gives them their responsibility for their actions/consequences and feelings!!! I'm going to memorize this....and I know, the day will come where I will need to use it myself!!! :hug:


Faith, sometimes when you put so much focus on the sacrifices that You've made as a parent, it may make the child feel guilt. Especially, when they are grappling with the issue of identity....Who am I? Where do I want to be? How much do I need to separate my identity from the identity of my family/parents? These things that she 'wanted' growing up, may or may not be what she wants as she grows older. I'm certain she is already aware of the sacrifices that you've made as a parent, kwim?

All in all, it was a lovely letter. I wish my mom would write more. She gabs more and sometimes I wish I'd see her own feelings written out...so that I could understand her better, if that makes sense?

Your post has been a bit therapeutic for me ;) Thanks! :hug::grouphug: (fyi, my mom's name 'means' Faith :) )

Thank you for this, tkrik. I genuinely appreciate the effort you made to obtain another DD18's perspective.

Can't say, however, that anything that your daughter offered would work for me. I cannot be someone that I am not. Hope it's OK if I respond to you, regarding her suggestions.

1. I do not intend to shower DD with lots of expensive gifts. Is not my way. However, small tokens that show that I care, I think are appropriate. I do not think that they would make her mad. Bought some small frames, which she likes, from Thrift store. 10 cents each. Might put photos in some. Might just give some to her, to fill.

2. I cannot show her that I support her decision to move out. That would be a lie. I do not support running away from your problems.

Not appropriate; in my view. Not at all.

3. I hope that my expressions of love will not make her mad. If they do, she has a problem that she needs to deal with.

4. She knows how to budget. That WOULD make her mad. Does not apply to this situation, that I can see, in any way.

Sorry. Didn't want this post to be negative -- because my honest reaction is really very much appreciation -- for your post.

~ Faith.\

I just realized I must be weird. lol When my kids turned 18 they didn't have a curfew anymore. All we expected was to know where they were in case we needed them and to not worry.

Once I sent them off to college they were doing this anyway and to expect them to revert back to having a curfew seemed rather weird to us. I guess we were lucky to trust them enough to not impose it? They have never given me a reason not to trust them so unless they do something that loses that trust, they have no curfew.

I will tell you that once I let go, they became more responsible. When I stopped telling them their decisions were not the best, they became more responsible. When I stopped treating them like they were still in high school, they became more responsible. When I stopped trying to be too much of a friend, too much of a parent, they became more responsible.

BUT, I do still throw in the "I told ya so" when something doesn't go the way they thought, with a smile of course! :D

Faith - no offense taken whatsoever.

Each family and situation is different. This was just an example of 1 out of millions of 18's thoughts. Her personality is different than your daughters, your personality is different than mine, relationships with our daughters are different, etc., etc. In your heart, you know what is the right thing to do for and with your daughter.

I do want you to know that you are not alone in this. DD18 has a friend that has gone wild. I mean wild, not drugs and all that, but staying out all night, drinking, erratic behavior, etc.. Her mom calls me often in tears over it. I feel for her terribly as deep in her daughter is a wonderful, bright, and compassionate girl. Her behavior lately is not reflective of that and is effecting all relationships within their household. It is sad.

What ever you decide to do, your acts of kindness and love for her will make a lasting impression on her. When all is said and done, she will remember the things you have done for her.

Hang in there, Faith.:hug:

I have been doing little things like this for years. It has helped them with decision making and taking responsibility for their decisions. Mind you, they were little decisions.

Although, DD16 is trying to make a decision between finding a part-time job and working as a core leader in the middle school program at our church. Once you are confirmed, you can help out with the middle school youth group. Last night she kept saying, "I don't know what to do." I know she wanted me to tell her but this is a decision that I can't make for her. She needs to just follow her heart and do what she feels she needs to do. We did talk about the pros and cons of each and the reasons that she wants to do both.

I know which one she will end up choosing, youth group leader as she wants that experience and loves doing this kind of stuff. But, she may surprise me as she is a senior this year and senior year is EXPENSIVE!!! (Her only reason for wanting a job).

Sorry for the HI JACK! Back to Faith . . . .