NeuroTalk Support Groups - Relationship -- One thing each day

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Dejibo (Post 350046)

. . . You have done a good job momma. You have raised a fine young woman. its time to stand by her, without insisting on holding her hand while she starts to make her way in this world. She is going to stumble, be tired, worn down, and find people that are going to hurt her. She may hurt herself, but its part of the learning process. many momma's stand by and chew their finger nails to the bone.

Start by giving her some grown up responsibilites. If she wants to be an adult, that comes with the chores of one. If she is not in school, then she needs to be contributing to the house. A token rent payment, and she should be paying at least half of her car insurance.

You should NOT be buying gas unless its to help her get to and from work. If she wants to party have friends pick her up. She shouldnt be driving to and from parties any way. Offer to drop her off and pick her up, but dont encourage drunk driving. She should have household chores. Trash, or bathrooms. doing her own laundry, and Im sorry, but I know you love those earrings. lets set up a savings plan so you can afford them on your own, not on daddy's credit card. Going away to build houses is a great idea. it will show her others who have nothing! others who must rely on the kindness of strangers to have a roof, food, and support. its humbling.

Please take comfort that this is a normal part of life. The best you can do is stand beside her while helping her handle some of the responsibilities you are going to be handing her one by one. Hang in there, and watch her blossom. I hope she amazes you. :hug:

Hmmm. I think we're mostly on the same page. Don't know why you think she has no responsibilities. :confused:

We don't pay for her gas, especially to work. I've always believed that it should not cost me money for my kids to have a job.

Has not ever tasted alcohol, as far as I know.

She has HH chores. The laundry. Took that over, voluntarily when she was 12, and my MS hit our family big time. Saw that dear old dad was overworked, caring for children and spouse. Has not wanted to give that up; has done mostly all the laundry for the entire HH for 6 yrs. Now, while she is so busy, she even takes baskets of clean laundry w/ her while she babysits, because it is the only time she has to do it. Hard worker.

I have not expected other chores from her, other than cleaning up after herself. She is better at that than I am. Often gives me coupons for hours of work for birthday/Christmas gifts.

Earrings?? If she buys those, it's been with her own money. Unless it's a gift. Never paid for earrings, except the ones she got when she had her ears pierced in middle school.

She is responsible w/ money. She has one of our credit cards, in her name, to use when she purchases things that we pay for. Like picking up groceries for us, filling car w/ gas, etc. Not ever had a trust issue w/ that. Good kid. She reimburses us for all of her gas, and extra for wear/and/tear on the car. We piad for gas to school, swimming functions, church. One social activity per weekend. That's it.

Don't want her to pay rent. She is working 10+ hrs per day to save money for college next yr. We can't contribute as much as we would like to, to her college costs, due to MS expenses. It would be backwards to charge her rent.

We do not spoil her. Is that what you think?

We also just continue to have expectations of someone who is living in our house. Not inappropriate, IMO.

~ Faith

P.S.: Came home for lunch. We ate together, outside on patio. Sandwiches, and smoothies. Was pleasant. Again.

Having an "adult" child who lives at home to save for schooling, pay rent is a good thing. Even if it's $25 a week. Put it in a saving account for her. It will be bonus school money she doesn't expect.

:hug:

Sandy -- She doesn't have a curfew either, as of 18th birthday. She used to be responsible about this. She still doesn't have a curfew. But we are concerned about her health, due to health prob's she had back in Feb. Missed much school, etc. Due to fatigue and other issues. Made poor decisions, then, about skipping school during the daytime, but spending time w/ friends in the evenings. Now, has been up much later in recent wks. Has admitted exhaustion. Is coming home by 12 or 1 now. I'm OK w/ that.

Like I said. Doesn't have a curfew, but. . . Both DH and I believe that we continue to have the right to express our opinions, even as she makes her own decisions.

Some parents do continue w/ curfew, right through college. 2nd yr teacher that I worked w/ last yr, thought we were extremely lenient w/ no curfew. She had to be home by midnight, every evening, during summers when she was home during college.

~ Faith

Quote:

Originally Posted by GladysD (Post 350215)

. . . She'll grow into a fine woman!

Let her go on this journey. I wish my mom let me go do a volunteer service, in Nevada, prior to starting college. I would have been helping out in an environmental aspect. I could have qualified for further scholarships in college, had I done that. My mom wasn't looking at the bigger picture.

Best of Luck as you learn to let your DD spread her wings.

Yes, she will. Just going through a rough stretch right now. DH and I both did voluntary service, too. That's where we met. I did 4 1/2 yrs. Had only planned to do one, but DH really wanted to do more. I did more, for him. He did 6 yrs.

Is heart-warming to see DD following in those footsteps.

~ Faith

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curious (Post 351087)

A fine idea. Thx.

But, would be so not fair to charge her rent when we said we wouldn't. Can't go back on that.

This is just one way that we choose to help her out. Your way would've been another. Nice idea, to surprise her.

~ Faith

Quote:

Originally Posted by FaithS (Post 351088)

Both DH and I believe that we continue to have the right to express our opinions, even as she makes her own decisions.

I don't know any parent that can actually "totally" let go . . . and I don't know any child that hasn't fought back when they don't. ;)

Some people won't even associate with other people that don't perfectly fit their value system. If the person drinks, has a child out of wedlock, lives in a common law relationship, if they are gay . . . It's way easier to avoid "those people" when they are not your children though.

Family dynamics usually change to more of a "friendship" when the children become adults. The difference is that you can pick your "friends", or avoid the "bad" ones, so there is normally not much conflict. When it is our child though, either THEY have to change . . . or our attitudes do. Something's gotta' give . . . and kids are pretty darn strong willed (even if they have to learn to hide their choices from you in order to do what they want).

I told my mom what I was "up to"; I got grounded. My sister lied; she got away with it. I moved out. :D

Cherie

Faith, please know that I was not "assuming" anything about your child. I do not know what her chore list is, nor what her responsibilites are within your household. It is just an "average" way of life that most teens dont do their own laundry, or clean their room, or pay for their own insurance, and will often do special or extra things around the house to earn money for music events or trips or permisson to do something special or go somewhere fun. Please know that I was not trying to make a judgement call on your situation personally. I did want to impart some general wisdom based on MY personal experiences.

I do hope that you are able to find wisdom, peace, and that you are able to see this lovely young woman that you have raised.

btw when I was 16 I ran away from an abusive home, married a man I knew for 3 months who was as much of an alcoholic as my mom, and worked my butt off to play catch up. It was a hard hard life. I was working 2 jobs, going to school full time, and taking care of his highness. so, I am not an expert on how to do it right.

hang in there.

Hey, D. Didn't mean to "dis" your post. Sorry I came across that way. Just wanted to explain my/our situation.

She's a good kid. We've been good parents, I think. Just going through a rough spot right now. MS has sometimes wreaked havoc on family rel'ps. Life isn't always fair. Guess you know that, too. You've had a hard life. Sorry. Looks like it's made you strong.

Thx.
~ Faith

Faith, just think. Someday you will be sitting across from your daughter drinking coffee or whatever and laugh about this time of her life. Things are so much more magnified at that age. It really isn't until later, as we all know, that we realize that the picture is so much bigger. The mountains we thought were so big were really hills and valley's. :hug:

Yeah, Sandy. Thanks for that.

~ Faith