Relationship between DD18 is strained w/ me and DH. She is good kid. HS graduate. Was honor roll student; swam for nine yrs.; in school band; respected leader (by peers and adults) in youth group.

Does not feel supported by us. Has been distancing herself from us for years. Has attitude problem.

Is leaving in Nov. to do voluntary service for 7-8 months. Rebuilding homes in Gulf States.

Wants to move out. Peers much more important to her than family. Has decided that she will continue to try to work things out at home fo remaining 3 months. For now.

I'm thinking about doing one thing per day to let her know I love her. Don't have many ideas.

• A supportive email.
• A wrapped gift - maybe a frame with a picture of the family and a nice quote.
• Do the laundry for her.

What else? Any ideas. I don't want her to move out now. I don't want her to leave in November with hard feelings. What can I do.

~ Faith

I don't know the particulars, but having raised a daughter, I do feel for you ..Sounds like she's growing into a really good person! At 18, she needs to distance herself from mom & dad so she can start making a life of her own. With my daughter (and my mom when I was that age), the best thing I found was to talk and tell my daughter openly and honestly how I felt, that I loved her and was proud of the person she was becoming..She started seeing me as an actual human being () and I started seeing her as a responsible adult..
Like I said, I don't know the details, but I know you'll work it out in a way that works best for you..Just follow your heart!

((Faith)) When I read your post it sounds like she is a normal young woman trying to spread her wings. You have done a wonderful job with her. In an odd way I think teenagers might distance themselves from their parents in part to make the separation that will soon be taking place easier. She is going to do a great thing so definitely be supportive even though you will miss and worry about her.

I'd suggest giving her a handwritten note. Doesn't have to be anything elaborate but just a "thinking of you".

My Mom sent me a small album of my baby pictures when I was about your DDs age, mostly with my favorite critters of course, and for some reason that was very touching to me even at that rough time.

You could look for a book with information on the places where she will be doing the charity work etc.

Hang in there.

Faith,

It truly does sound as if your daughter's a normal child going through the distancing that goes with growing older and getting ready to be an adult.

I feel for you, however. It's not easy having that happen when you want to maintain a close relationship with your child.

Perhaps one thing that you can do to help her feel supported and know she's loved would be to support her in HER endeavor. You don't want her to leave with hard feelings, but you may not be able to prevent that. Unless your relationship is truly terrible, I doubt that she's going to cut you off. So be as supportive as you can of her going to do what it is that she's choosing to do.

See if she needs anything for the time.
Help her research what she will need or is likely to need.
Don't be negative about it--be positive. Try to work up some genuine enthusiasm.
Help her pack to go and slip some personal notes in with her things.

By supporting her endeavor you are telling her that you believe in her and her choices. What a way to tell her you love her without words. Of course, you can say the words and do other little things while you're waiting.

Hang in there. Sounds like you have a good kid on your hands. Give her time to realize that you are a human with feelings too. If she doesn't realize it now, she probably will by the time she's in her 20s!

Oy...

I remember me at that age!



Mom, I am so sorry.



My dd is going through the same thing with dh and me. She's staying at her brother's apartment, helping him watch the baby (he finally got his own place! YEAH!) and starting college.

With boys, it seems they never really cut the apron string - you almost have to move and not leave a forwarding addy.

With girls though, is it ever not a bloody mess?

Every girl I know had the same time. The apron string cutting time - some time in the teens or twenties - when they pulled away from mom and dad. It hurt everyone badly, mom, dad and daughter, but it was for the best. And it all came out okay.

If you were okay up until lately, you will be okay again.

I can say this even as a mom feeling the same concerns - will she hate me forever? Is she ruining her life? Deep down, I know she knows I love her, and she loved me once, she'll always love me even if she hates me.

I really agree with Gazelle. I think the quickest way to grow closer to someone is to take a genuine interest in what they are doing and really support their efforts. I think your DD will see you in a whole new light if you really support her and help her in her venture in the Gulf.

I, too, distanced myself from my mom when I was her age. You know what happened? As soon as I really moved away, I couldn't call her enough and we grew closer again.

Faith - I have 2 DD around the same age as yours - it is hard I know and I remember doing it to my parents as well. I think the best thing to do is not push to much. You are right to do little things and not seem like you are pushing to hard.

Best of luck and keep us posted - maybe you can teach me some to help with my own dd's.

Thanks all. I guess I didn't really get into the particulars.

DD, for the last 2 or 3 weeks, since her friends are all leaving for college, etc., has been staying out until 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. She does call us to let us know when she'll be home. But, then she has to get up the next morning. She is exhausted, and has been home by 12 or 1 the last 2 nights. Thank goodness. Better than before. But, still.

Wants to make her own decisions. Wants adult privileges, but does not have adult responsbitilies. Doesn't get it. Has talked w/ friend, who is a HS senior about moving in w/ her and her parents. They would take her in, if we agree. They are good family. Go to our church. We have not talked w/ them about it. DD has decided to continue to try it at home. Thinks she is an adult, but wants to go from being supported by her parents to being supported by someone else's parents. Wants to run away from problem.

She lives at home for free. We pay her driver's insurance. She uses our car. Pays gas and wear and tear, but we go through big issues because she doesn't want to record mileage. Too much work!

She doesn't eat regular meals. Is down to 93 lbs. Is supposed to make annual Dr. appt. Too busy. Is working construction 8-2:30. Babysitting 3-5. And part time Pizza Hut in the evenings. And then goes out til middle of the night.

We are concerned about her health. We are concerned about possible depression.

Most of her friends are gone now. One leaves in 2 wks. she wants to spend lots of time w/ him before he leaves. New BF started college just 7 miles away, so I expect she will also spend lots of time w/ him.

Worried. Does not want us to have any expectations. Does not understand that DH and I have expectations for each other too. Not about being 18. It's about family. Caring about the people you live with. And love. Supposedly.

Sigh!! She is a different person w/ us than she is w/ anyone else. Exudes perfection to outside world.

Says family is important. Wants to have fun w/ family again. We're going to try. We like watching videos together. Maybe we can do more of that. If she's ever home. Or go out for ice cream. Or whatever

Sorry so long.

Would still like to do just one thing a day. Leave a note, etc., to let her know I love her. Still looking for ideas.

Thanks.

~ Faith

Faith, as a non-parent, I have never replaced my memories of teen/young adulthood. All parents get dumber and more ignorant than anyone on earth for a period of young life. Deep inside, she knows she respects you, loves you, and secretly admires you and dad.

When she turns about 25, the two of you will have a miraculous infusion of intelligence, wisdom, personality, and senses of humor. Right now, you both are utterly devoid of all those.

A month into her mission, she will think about you both often, miss you, but be too proud and "adult" to admit it to anyone but her closest allies (all of whom will be forgotten by age 30).

One day, she will need advice on "grown-up" things and give you two a chance to prove yourselves. Hence, the great awakening.

My advice is to let her do what she wants without making her feel guilty or as if she has to withhold information. Start stocking her up on things that will make her mission more comfortable and enjoyable. Starbucks cards, some great workboots, her own hammer holster, a couple pairs of Carhart workshorts/pants, etc.

Leave the personal stuff alone, she doesn't even understand it herself.

Sorry about all this.

My DD split at 17 and was gone 4 months. When she came back I was the best thing since sliced bread and have been ever since (2 years). Beleive it or not, they come back a better person. Let her go....she'll come back and all the difficulties will be left behind. (I hope anyway)

Best
J