Please don't move away and please don't assume it's all your DIL. Your son is caught in the middle and I can only imagine how hard that is. I have fought with my MIL for over 24 years. She has never been able to have a close relationship with me or me with her. I have never been 'blood", never accepted. Oh she tries and I try but there is a distance between us. I took her baby away from her when it was only her and him. It was always a competition. I was young and hard headed, she was momma bear. Fast forward to the present. We tolerate each other for Jim's sake. We are cordial and try to be loving by hugging each other but it is strained.

I think the only thing holding us together is that I take care of her son. Their relationship is strained as well. Long story, it's not about me. It's about the fact she takes care of Jim's brother who is an addict and financially supports him. He's abusive and she is caught in the enabling hole. Jim feels like she will die early because she is suffering so much. She has only came to see Jim twice this year. Again, not because of me, we just don't know. I asked her once why and asked is it because you know Jim is taken care of? She admitted that was the reason. Jim's brother has no one to care for him so she spends her time to care for him more.

So, why did I tell you all this? Because I wish my MIL and I had been closer. I wish she didn't feel like I was a threat. I wish I hadn't been so immature when I was younger and I wish I could look to her for motherly advice. I wish I could look to her for support when Jim isn't doing well. I wish I could look to her as my second mom. I wish she didn't have to spread herself so much to care for my BIL because I think she'd be here more. I wish she didn't, to this day, think my family is a threat to her. She has never accepted an invitation to spend the holidays with my family. I wish I knew why to all of this. But, each year we still invite her, we still call her, we still care for her. If she's sick, we're the one's who take her to her appointments, we're the one's she turns to for medical advice. It's all so strange. She comes from a family where outsiders are outsiders forever. Blood is thicker than water and that's the way it is. She even told me once when Jim and I were first married that when she dies her sons and grandkids get what she has and her DIL's will not. Why she told me that I still don't know. I don't want anything and hate when families fight over possessions when a loved one dies.

There is so much more background like the abuse my son's and I, as well as Jim have taken from his brother. The beatings we witnessed to animals, wives, girlfriends, grandmother, mother, etc. Too much to explain. We do not understand why she continues to do these things. One thing we do know is we finally realized we can't control any of it. This is when things started to get a little better and we are now able to talk without argument.

Talk to her alone if you must. Do not ask your son to be the go between because I promise you it will make things worse. We are taught once you marry your wife becomes number one and that is a lot of pressure to put on your son. Don't make him choose. Work it out with her. I know I tried to get close to my MIL. I would write long letters to her telling her how I wanted to be part of the family and how I wanted her and I to be close. I have tried all I can but I know it's too late.

She probably feels the tension between you. You do too. Try to fix it now before it gets worse. Twinks gave you great advice. I think our pride keeps us from approaching another sometimes. Your the mother so go ahead and try to see if you can fix the problem. You may find she was just as confused as you.

Sorry this was so long winded. Maybe I needed to express my thoughts. I do know that when my boys marry I will try so hard to be the mother I wanted my MIL to be. I will accept them and love them just as I do my own sons. When they marry my boys, I gain a daughter who I will want to be close to and have the relationship I never had. I will learn from my mistakes.

anne, it may have nothing to do with you and your hubby. they are a young couple. they may be having growing pains of their own relationship.

i was very young in my first marraige. i wish i had stood up more and not allowed his family to be so intregrated into our daily lives. ( i;m not saying that you and your hubby are...not at all) there were times that it would have been better if we had time for just us and our little family. time for our little tiffs to be our own...kwim?

i will say, you should clear the air. ask. flat out ask if you did anything to offend them. could be just a big miscommunication.

don't move!!!

i am not going to say much as i think its been said very well already by those before me ... i will say this though ... don't move ... to me moving is running away ... and we all know that running away from a problem doesn't make the problem go away ... whatever is going on will still be going on regardless of where you and hubby live ... i say come straight out and ask if you've done something that has offended them ... it may be something as simple as they truly have been busy but haven't communicated this well to you ... or it could be something as complicated as they are having marital problems that they don't want you to see ... you will never know what it is unless you ask ...

You live 2 miles away and can't stop by to see them?? or a quick stop to visit w/grand baby??

What i would do...

Call and offer to babysit some evening for them so they can go out???

Talk to son about what may be going on?

How long have they been married?

buy a little toy or gift and drop by the home to give to gdson??
just a quick drop off and a hug???

Although, I prefer a quick call if my parents are coming up to visit {15 miles away} so i can clean up a bit because - I'm not the greatest house keeper. nothing horrible or filthy - just dog hair and dust mostly

Could she be lacking in the house keeping dept and embarrassed...
or maybe slightly depressed...or just not sociable??

****

Could they be worried that it might be a start of too much visiting??
I don't know if you have ever seen the American TV show "Everybody loves Ray"
LOL it about a couple that moves in across the street from his parents - the mom is a busy body...not that you would be at all... but it was a hit TV show here..
and sooo funny

Koala - I'm so sorry this is going on. I think a lot of people gave you a lot of good advice. I have no advice but so understand the hurt you are feeling right now. I could never image keeping my DD from her grandparents - it would be too painful for everyone. I hope this works out quickly for you so you can see your precious little one!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. You have great insight, and I do think there's more to this I first thought.

As far as we can see, there were no problems at all before the birthday. DS & DIL always dropped William off alternate Saturdays while they ran their errands, but circumstances prevented that (on their behalf) for a couple of Saturdays prior, hence the long gap before the birthday. The only time we've ever let them down, is the day DH was sick and we couldn't go for afternoon tea.

I'm actually one of 8 grandparents that William has. Her mom and dad, and his mom and dad, all have new partners. I am stepmom to DS, who is a quiet person, and have been for over 20 years. He's loving and always has a hug and a kiss for me when we see them, so did DIL.

I thought we all got on well, and had felt no undercurrents prior to this happening. That's why this coldness has come as such a shock. Gosh, we even get on with my DH's ex wife and her partner, and have attended many events together that involve DGS or DS , without any ill feelings! I'm pretty easy going, and so is my DH.

We never drop into DS's home unannounced because we don't want to intrude, especially living so close. We don't spoil the little man with material things, just with love and hugs.

After reading all that you've offered, I'm feeling a bit inclined towards the two of them maybe having marital problems. They have been struggling financially, but DIL does not want to go back to work. They have a big mortgage, and with only one income, maybe that's causing some stress for them. Just a thought.

I don't know what I'll do yet, but I think I will end up phoning DIL. I might invite her here, or ask if we can drop in to see her some time. I'm not sure which yet, but I'll think about what she may react kindest to.

you will make the right choice I am sure, Anne.

Hi Anne. Since your DH's birthday is coming up soon perhaps you could use that as an reason to get the whole family together. Surely they'll respond to an invitation for that! Hope it all works out for you.

Thanks Kell, but I've tried that. I've booked the restaurant already and invited them along. The only reply I've had so far is that they're not sure if they can make it.

Anne, just keep trying. I know it might get exausting mentally but just keep trying. That is all you can do. Don't move!!!! You will regret it! Hugs for you!