I didn’t realize how hard it would be to be out of the loop. I joked about it before I retired. When I took three or four days off, I would say “I’m a little out of the loop.” Now I know that you can’t be “a little” out of the loop any more than you can be “a little” pregnant. You are in or out. I’m out.

I knew that it wouldn’t take many weeks before I no longer knew which new stamps were coming out, or had the current rates on the tip of my tongue. But I had no idea to what degree the loop represented more than my job itself. I was unaware how much my loop was comprised of people, and now...mostly...they are people whose lives go on without me.

Am I so unreasonable that I expect my replacement to fill me in every time I walk through the door, keep a running list every day, jotting down what’s new so that she can read it off to me? Of course I don’t expect her to do that. But Lord, how I want her to. I want her to realize that those things didn’t stop being important to me the moment headquarters cut my final papers.

I went from thirty years of talking to lots and lots of people every day to some days talking only to Bob...who doesn’t always especially care to hear me talk. When I go to the store to get my paper, and the Post Office to get my mail, I force myself to remember those customers who had no one to talk to, and so talked to me. And talked and talked and talked. I genuinely cared about those souls, but I’m not ready to be one of them. It’s too soon. I’m too freshly out of the loop.

The accusing voice in my head tells me that I could BE in the loop if I wanted to be, if I really made the effort. After all, I can still walk, still drive, still communicate. Yeah, so far. Thanks a lot, voice, for the reminder that there are those who consider me lucky to be not so very disabled yet.

The loop gets farther and farther away, and it takes much more energy than I have most days to keep reaching for it, to keep trying to find a weak spot where I can muster up my puny muscles and squeeze my way back in. Somehow it’s easier to simply sit and watch the loop go by without me. Easier, that is, except emotionally.

So what DO I want? Do I want people calling me fifteen times a day with updates? It boggles my mind. Do I want people dropping in unannounced, showing up at 6:00 p.m. when I’m circling the drain? Inviting me to do things I can’t do and go places I can’t possibly go? Expecting me to follow chains of thought and carry on witty conversation? Expecting me to be...the same?

I know what I need to do: make a new loop. A smaller, slower, easier-to-manage one. It wouldn’t be the same, but it would be something. Maybe I’ll get on that tomorrow, if I’m having a good day.