Dear Di, I feel denial so often gets a bad rap. It's actually an excellent defense mechanism when we have to go through something as heartbreaking as the death of a child. I'd hang onto that one, stay numb if you can - it's your psyche's way of protecting you now. What are the 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And each one of us goes through them in in a different order, and stays in each stage for as long as we need to, to walk through it. Staying distracted sounds like it might be working as a good tool for you right now, in the immediate aftermath of De's passing - staying crazy busy when there's just so much to do to get ready for tomorrow may be exactly what you need to be doing right now, literally, in order not to fall apart. Don't turn down any offers of help - if you can't think of things needing done, then delegate someone. Can someone please man-up and get that jacuzzi maintenance well in hand? Di needs a good long hot soak; nice rubdown after.

I remember when my Dad died I was 4 days into a new job at a major motion picture studio, and HR wouldn't give me any bereavement leave because I was so new. My boss kept looking at me funny and asking me, with concern in her voice each time "what are you doing here at the office? Shouldn't you be with your family?" But I actually did need to keep myself busy at work; besides the distraction being therapeutic it took awhile for the remains to be shipped from FLA (where he was on vacation) to WA, where the rest of my family (including my Dad) lived. And having just come off unemployment, I needed to earn enough $ to fly my daughter and me up to Seattle to attend the funeral about 3 weeks or so later. (Sorry to be talking about myself here, Di, but my point is, you do what feels right for you to get through this - don't let anybody judge you or question your actions...)

But I will say that I agree with something Stardust said in another post - you will at some point, and on your own time, have to allow yourself to feel the heavy feelings of grief, loss and sadness in order to process them. If you can get a grief counselor through insurance or work that might really help when the time is right. I know when my mom died my EAP sent me to someone who had me write her a goodbye letter (very helpful). He also suggested that I get every picture I had of her out and display them about my home, encouraging memories to come up, stories to be told, and so on.

Di, I don't know you personally but I do get a powerful sense that you are the matriarch of your family, probably always looked up to as the strong one as well as the nurturer. Well, I say it's times like this that's it's OK for those roles to become much less rigid, and even reversed in some cases. It's OK for you to cry - in fact I think it will be hugely beneficial when you are finally able to release those hot, heavy tears and heartbreaking sobs that will rack your entire body. Not saying you have to pull a Nancy Reagan and throw yourself on De's casket tomorrow!...but neither do you have to limit your tears to time alone in the shower. This type of release can be a long time coming sometimes. But I do believe it's good for the body, good for the soul and part of the healing process when it does finally come to us after a tragedy like this.

God, how surreal the events of the past few days must seem to you, Di. The services tomorrow I know will at least bring some closure, some finality to the fact of what's happened and with that, the reality of a life without your precious De. Also on a logical level, and because of your amazing body of knowledge, you know that all that's happening to you right now is bound to flare your physical pain up because our perception of pain is so tied into our emotions. So even if it's the last thing on your mind, it is very. very important that you take care of yourself during this very trying and spiritual ordeal. Di. If you have someone close to you who is familiar with your protocol for self-managment, knows what doc to call if that becomes necessary to give you the care you need or a refill on an rx or just whatever...enlist them (hey maybe I just drafted Mark for that job, I'm not sure, but let's be honest he sure ain't gonna be the one shoveling snow off the front walk now, is he?)

OK kiddo, sorry for the novelette. You've just been on my mind since I learned the horrible news. Then I saw the lovely pictures of De and I just had to write. She is an inspiration now as she always was on earth. Will be with you in heart and mind tomorrow my friend. I wish you much peace. Alison

Alison,
Thanks so much to take time and write out so many things that run theough my head but I can not keep in order.

I did have problems with my anxiety and heart murmur on Sunday. But, tonight I am trying to sleep and my murmur hs me feeling double beats, not racing, just like gulps. I took my ,05 ativan. I do not want to take anything else, but will call the doctor in the AM. When this strong woman vrashes it is not a pretty sight, it is scary.

I do not want to be out of it, but want the heart palps or whatever it is to go away or I am going to scare someone. Being tough and strong as the tears sneak out. But not sleeping, doing my bio feedback to relax, and still get the glump glump, high in the chest near my throat.

THey did have to give me a few things to stop it on Sunday, I don;t want to get taht bad, but now I am scared of medicine. I had a valium I take for spasms around 4:00 PM, didn't do a think.

One thing I did consider, my asthma, it is burtal cold and I went down De's to get her teddy bear and Angel light, so I used my albuterol, just two sprays twice today, I do get shakey and anxiety from its use at times?

I think maybe call the PCP in the AM and explain, maybe instead of valium, take a xanax,I do not want to end up in an ambulance.

RIght now I will try a chamiole tea, ( Bottle of wine, just joking), and rub down with the green tea lotion, maybe that will help calm them.Maybe Motrin, isn't that a beta blocker? Sounds like a plan. It may ahve been gathering the teddy and things that set it off....Teddy has a ciggerette burn on his butt, about 3" around. I can't imagine that his stuffing did not catch on fire. Her blanket has about a dozen burn holes. I guess that is bothering me too, how many times did she come close to a tragedy and God averted?

I am calm, I am not crying sobbing, I diced cheese and made the dips, also pickeled eggs. I am not eating much. I had a slice of left over pizza,
I am finding it concerning. I definatly do not want an ER like Sunday.

About Four hours and pcp will be open. If it will calm the palp's and he can give something i better take it then be like this or worse....

It is not as bad as when I first tried to sleep an hour ago.
I otherwise feel Ok, just this glump glump every once in the while, like a double beat, or stong beat, from the mitral valve????

Well, chamamille tea and motrin for now and try to sleep.I should be OK, it is quite some time since I felt one come on.....
ITs my broken heart, trying to piece itself together.
I am feeling better now.
Di

i'm glad you are thinking of your own health di. that is so important right now.

alison reminded us all on some strong points of grief. just take your time di. take care of you the best you can.

may God grant you peaceful healing sleep di.

Hi Di,

Just wanted to give you some info on the salbutamol before you go to the doc so you have more info.......my prayers are with you and yours
I hope you cry and continue to grieve well and don't hold back you need to let it happen and get it out
with love and support,
Victoria
Mode of action

As with other β2-adrenergic receptor agonists, salbutamol binds to β2-adrenergic receptors with a higher affinity than β1-receptors. In the airway, activation of β2-receptors results in relaxation of bronchial smooth muscle resulting in a widening of the airway (bronchodilation). Inhaled salbutamol sulfate has a rapid onset of action, providing relief within 5-15 minutes of administration.
In tocolysis, the activation of β2-receptors results in relaxation of uterine smooth muscle, thus delaying labour.


Adverse effects
While salbutamol is well-tolerated, particularly when compared with previous therapies such as theophylline, like all medications there exists the potential for adverse drug reactions to occur - especially when in high doses, or when taken orally or intravenously.
Common adverse effects include: tremor, palpitations and headache. (Rossi, 2004)
Infrequent adverse effects include: tachycardia, muscle cramps, agitation, hypokalemia, hyperactivity in children, and insomnia. [1]
The (S) isomer of salbutamol can inhibit the anti-inflammatory effect of steroids prescribed to treat asthma. However, the (R) isomer stimulates the steroid's effect and the overall effect of the two isomers is unclear[2].