Today, I sat thinking of the good old days... Memories of the days when I could do whatever I wanted and go wherever I wanted without exhaustion, pain or limitations.
Memories of the Good Old Days of Concerts under the stars… Riding with my husband on our beautiful Harley along the coast and seeing beautiful country side with no agenda or no place to be…
My husband and I use to do just about everything together before I was injured and just about everything I could think of medically crept up on me.
For most of my life and until just a few years ago, I would climb onto my horses back and ride with the sun in my face and the wind in my hair... My horse was my joy and my best friend until I had to put him to sleep one day because of sever colic. If I still had him I know I could no longer care for him now the way I once did... But he is a wonderful memory that I have to remember now...
When winter is here I look at the mountains and remember the days when my girlfriends and I use to go up there on an overnight snow boarding trip... Those were so much fun... Talk about crazy girls... Margaritas and pizza and then trying to snowboard down a mountain the next morning... Talk about crazy days... Memories...
I had such a cool job too... I worked on a life flight helicopter and flew over seas with an international air ambulance company... My career of eleven years ended but what a great unforgettable memory that is...
I use to be so active... Now I’m lucky if I can make my bed with out taking a break or fold all the clothes in the laundry basket and that is just to name a couple things... Do you ever just have one of those days when you feel useless and as though there is hardly anything left that you are able to do or participate in anymore. I guess you could say I’ve become a stronger person because of everything I have been thru recently...
But then again there are those days when I just feel like I'm in the way and a nuisance to those around me…
Today I felt just like that... But I have those wonderful memories… Memories that will always be with me no matter what I end up doing or wherever I end up going…
It was just a day I wanted to share my memories…

I use to a lot Dawn. I had to learn how to accept and morn my life and recreat a new one.
I still have some anger issues, I am angry at the tenny bopper that made a poor decision and took my career and that life I wanted to hold onto away. I want my health, I want my old job, I want no headaches, and pain.

But, not to be so I am what I am. I guess I could deal better if there was justification and that girl had been punished, that the legal system could replace my lost wages, and help pay for the monies I borrowed to recreate this new life that can only work 12 hrs a week...

I remember a lot of nice days, I try to go all the way back to my kids being toddlers, family trips, holidays all the great times......then I cry.
Time goes forward, life changes, I hate not having control in any way over that...
Di

Dawn,

It's sounds like you have had a real sentimental day! I have those quite often myself.

Not only do I think about the things I can no longer do, but I think about the things I was looking forward to doing in the future like doing fun activites with my grandchildren.

I try to make humor of it sometimes and just say "getting old would have slowed me down anyway", but we all know that humor only goes so far.

We all just now have to take each day as it comes and live it the best way we can.

Peggy

Yes, I have similar memories too.
I had a wonderful horse along time ago- now i have a bratty one and I'm too chicken to even try to ride her- she bucks!!
Well my wonderful horse did bolt and run through a electric fence and then bucked me off too...but he got scared of the tractor and plow- so it wasn't really his fault. {this is probably how my c spine got messed up as I landed on my noggin and was out for awhile}

I can't throw sticks or balls overhand for the dogs anymore.
shoot hoops- I can make one good shot but lose the arm control after that.
I can hit soft balls with a bat but not a hard ball because of the jarring /recoil.
no more jumping on trampolines or any jumping at all really just doesn't feel to good.

stuff i used to do easily with out any arm/neck/muscle problems-
Hiking, sports, fishing, catamaran sailing, camping , picnics, sewing, art/crafts, cooking, home projects, oh the list is too long to type it all out.

I had a deposition on Thursday and the Insurance Companies Attorney asked me (with a straight face of course ) if I had any hobbies. It has been so long since I have done anything but hurt that I couldn't think of any of them!!

I should have answered,Yes, trying to get treatment for this injury I incurred while doing my job; treatments that you people keep denying!! Oh no wait, that is my current job!!! Hobbies are: sleeping as I am too exhausted to do much more after I have spent a good portion of my day on the phone with the Insurance company, or a Doctor, or online trying to learn what is new and effective for my ever changing body due to the aforementioned injury and PAIN!!! from spending my time doing their job instead of focusing on recovering!!

I used to garden, sew, hike, horseback ride, do minor home repairs, crafts...

Those rides that Dawn mentioned, not on a Harley for me, but jumping in the car and heading to San Francisco to hike the overlook trail, or go to the beach, Bodega Bay for Clam chowder at the Sandpiper, whale watching... No more Lake Sonoma to jet ski and take the Dogs to play in the water... No more camping, trips out onto the bay or friends ski boats.

No more concerts and sitting on blankets, no getting out in crowds for fear of having my shoulders bumped. Not able to do all the ducking and dodging you do if you want to avoid being bumped into.

There are dozens of things to do to choose from where I live every weekend. Winery events with tastings and food pairings and/or music. Vintage Fesitvals, Mustard Festivals, Harvest Festivals all kinds of outside activities. Not for me any more. I don't have the energy, mobililty, or lack of pain to enjoy much less participate.

I wanted to tell this cute little innocent enough looking Attorney of how I had been robbed of my life, current and future, and all I could do was sit there and cry!!

No piano lessons, now that they kids are grown and gone, the traveling plans for Alaska, Europe, and even the USA that we haven't seen are gone. I sold my sewing machine,we sold the jet skis, the piano is next; our house is on the market. What else do I have to give up thanks to this injury and more aggravating and depressing, due to their lack of a timely response to it and a proper diagnosis and care!!??!!

Will I be able to hold my grandchild (they are trying !! woo hooo !! to get preggers!!) when he or she is born?? Am I going to be robbed of the type of relationship I had hoped for with my Grandchildren?? If not physically, we will be financially. I haven't worked for 4 years.DH had tl sell his business due to his CA. How will we afford to take them traveling as we had planned? We won't be able to afford to spoil them and lavish all the Grandmotherly splurges I had hoped for, (clothes, day trips to the city, toys etc.) I am sure this sounds like whining at this point, but it was something I have longed for as I worked while my own children were growing up and I wanted to be really get to enjoy the Grandkids since I felt like I had missed out so much on my own kids.

Any way, that 's my contribution to this thread. I am working on putting my life back into some semblence of order... trying to find a way to feel like I contribute to my marriage, my family, my community. Trying to move on.

But, yes... I miss the old days too.

G ~

Hi Dawn,

I too reminisce about the good times when I could work out, run, hike, swim, etc. etc. I remember it with joy and know that it can't happen again for now...... as Di says it really is reminiscing and mourning.... you mourn for your old life but hopefully healthfully.

I desperately miss my nursing, I desperately miss my hobbies...... but this is life now..... and as I recently read in my yoga journal it is important to live in the Now and cope with what is happening now, this is not to say that you must forget the past, but it is to say that you should deal with the things that are bothering you immediately not what is in the past and not what is in the future as now is the most important part of your life..... is today !!!

I guess this goes with the concept of living your life day to day not to say you can't plan but live one day at a time!

Take care, love and hugs,
Victoria

. A semi truck ran a red light on a highway and hit me in my drivers door carrying 110,000 lbs of steel. I was life flighted and lived through what should have killed me. I spent so long getting my life back only to get TOS from all the scar tissue, Now after having the surgery I realize this pain will never go away. I left the house one day and a stranger changed the course of my life. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have survived and be here, and I realize that, but I used to know what I was doing, now It's hard enough to get through a day with the pain and missing all the fun things all the while trying to figure out what my purpose for being here is . Although my online poker game is getting much better
Wow thanks for letting me vent... That felt good

I love horses, I have actually thought of getting one but because of my arms and hands I have put if off. I live out in the country and when I take my walks, everyone around me has horses and I love it.

I was wondering Jo if you guys worry about the horse pulling away from you and pulling on your arms and hands. That is my biggest worry and my Dr. told me that he just thought after all I have been through that I shouldn't get one. I know he's right but I've always wanted a palamino. I will have my home payed off in 10 months and then I will be able to buy some things I want and I have been thinking about a horse.

As far as memories. I cry a lot over Bill and our memories. We did everything together. We went on picnics, walks, motorcycle rides, you name it we did it. Out of 34+ years we only spent 2 weeks apart and that's when his mother was dying and I couldn't go back home with him. When I was well we just really enjoyed doing things. We never stayed home. For the past 9 years I couldn't do anything.

I get really frustrated with the shape I'm in and I beat myself up all of the time over the fact that I feel useless.

What keeps me going now are my Grandson's. They still haven't outgrown me yet so they spend a lot of time here with me. They are now getting interested in girls and sports so I believe that might change soon.

It's hard to keep thinking of the positive when there isn't enough of it to keep a person going.

Ada

Dawn.....your words are exactly how I have felt the past few days. I think I am having my own little pity party because no one in my "real" life have any idea what it is like....only the folks here. Thanks for making me feel normal.
Rach

I am just getting to the point where I am having all these thoughts. Mostly, I am dissapointed at the fact that I will probably never be able to take my little kids backpacking.

Hubby and I, were pretty avid backpackers when we were first dating. I have seen some wonderful parts of the sierras and the rockies that way. I would not trade those experiences for anything. Right before we got preggers with my 2 younger kids, we took my dream trip. We did it because I told him we had to before I had more kids, since I might never get back to it once I did. Ididn't really imagin ever becoming this incapable at the time, but what a lesson in sieze the day. It was an 8 day trek. We started in Sequoia National Park and hiked all the way across the Sierras to Mt Whitney. There are no roads through the sierras, so the only way to see most of what we did is on foot. It was incredible. There is nothing like the feeling of solitude once you are a few days in from the nearest trailhead.

I was lucky, too, to be able to take my oldest deep into the Yosemite wilderness and on a trip to the Havasupai waterfalls in the Grand Canyon. Such a learning experience to be alone like that. She was a trooper.

I have really missed backpacking, and in fact we had the younger kids close together in the hopes we would get back to it sooner that way. I always feel more at home in the woods than pretty much anywhere else.

I am very happy to have had the experiences I did. I will do my best to impart the wilderness to my yougest kids, it'll just be car camping with a very fat thermarest for a long long time. Been joking about getting a llama to haul my pack...maybe it will happen someday?

Always live with no regrets. Do what you can with what you have and squeeze all the good out of it. Don't put it off for tomorrow.

Thanks, Dawn for the chance to get that out. I love the image of you riding on your horse, wind blowing your hair and sun in your face. I'll keep that one with me as a sign off to sleep.

Good night everyone,
sweet dreams

Johanna