I wasn't a person who was ruled by my feelings before but now I just get so angry and even bitter. I think I truely hate people now. I don't remember feeling this strongly about a person but now I really wish their life would fall apart so they would know how it feels. I get physicaly angry talking to these people or talking about them. I know that for them life moves on but it makes me so angry how they have just pushed me out and not even looked back. I was a children's Pastors for a large church for 10 years, and when I could not work I was let go. It was all done very shaddy, the board had no idea what was happening at the time, and neither did I at the time. These people I have called my family now don't call and hardly say hi when they see me like I am nothing or no one, they just keep going with smiles on their faces. I thought these people were my very close freinds but it turns out the moment I can not "perform" I am not needed and forgotten. They didn't even tell the kids and parents what really happened. I just disapeared. Are they embaressed?
I just get so mad sometimes. I feel so wronged and ripped off. I know that I should forgive and have understanding for them but I don't and maybe worse I don't care that I don't. I'm mad!!

mbrook,

I am sorry to hear about how you were treated. My daughter has distanced herself from me due to some outbursts years ago.

It is likely your church board did not understand your predicament. It is not uncommon for the anger issues that are symptomatic of PCS to be attributed to a personality or spiritual deficiency. You need to become informed so you can inform others. As I have posted many times, Dr Johnson's TBI Survival Guide is very good at this. Read it online at www.tbiguide.com and download it to print out at http://www.drakecenter.com/file.axd?...vivalGuide.pdf

Here is the chapter on Anger and Depression http://tbiguide.com/angerdepress.html

My personality has changed from some of my concussions, and not for the better. Accepting my condition has allowed me to be more proactive at not being a jerk. Some say not enough, though.

The outbursts of anger are caused by a malfunction of the adrenal system. One term I found was 'adrenal cortical hyperfunction.' It has me by the throat. It take great introspection to come to terms with this symptom. One needs to learn the environments that are high risk and also the people or subjects that are high risk.

I had to 'head for the door as I struggled to contain my rage' many times before I learned the early signs. Now, I can avoid many situations or get away before the trigger is pulled.

You might want to seek some counsel from a denominational board or other group connected to the church you served. It would be beneficial to all to resolve the issues if possible. Don't be angry at their ignorance. It only hurts you. I have the same struggles as a member of a church.

Remember, most of the medical community is still in the dark about PCS. Why should a church board be any better.

My best to you.

btw, If you attempt to address with your former church board, you should have an advocate present your case for you. Also, a meeting can have too many conflicting voices that can trigger a problem so speak up about your need to not be overwhelmed with multiple voices or the overtalkers. Been there, struggles with that.

Also, don't waste your time with the brain injury book written for churches. Blame It on the Brain by Edward Welch is way off base. You can read my review of it at Amazon.

As soon as you have Private Message privileges, I can speak more directly with you about these issues. Religious issues are not to be discussed in the forum. Post some simple thoughts to different threads to speed up you approval for PM's.

hi m

how bad was your injury, a car crash I learn from your posts was there loss of conciseness. skull fractures

it helps us to know PCS /tbi line needs to be defined because brain injury effects differ in each individual

10 months is not long, in brain recovery terms many people get dump through illness I know it happened to me

people fear brain injury because they do not understand

They aren't sure if I was knocked out. I don't really remember the accident and what I do remember I think is just things I have heard people saying and put into my memory as my own. I didn't have any fractures but had swelling and brusing. I hit the back and left side of my head. The first hospital I was taken to did not fully check me out and sent me home without instructions or restrictions. After 3 days of still vomitting and asking the same questions over and over again I went to see my Dr. thats when they took my car keys away - thats right I was driving! I couldnt understand why they wouldnt let me drive. A week later I still wasn't sleeping and was having panic attacks, I couldn't separate my dreams from reality - thinking people were breaking into my house, I wasn't eating because it wouldn't stay down and my head hurt plus I couldnt write down a number right even if you told me 4 times it would be different all 4 times, I couldnt figure out how to put away the christmas decorations and just sat on the floor and cryed. Thats when they sent me back to the ER because they thought my brain was bleeding. Thank God it wasn't but they said I had PCS and TBI. And the drugs haven't stopped sence then and my life has gone down hill. Month 1 my Grandfather who was basically my dad and only parent sence my mom died in an auto accident 8 years ago died. Month 2 is when we descovered that I couldnt read - I couldn't sequence things together words, numbers. I also lost my job. Month 3 I had to move - I lived on the church property I worked for. Month 4 is when they said I had PTSD. I am very blessed that my friend Sara let me move in with her. I gave her that tbiguide and she helps me stay organized and is very truthful with me even when I am overreacting. Thank God for her!!!

Mbrook,

All I have for you is understanding. Like Mark, I've survived multiple injuries and am in my middle age (55), still wrestling with anger and frustration.

I mostly lurk here because it takes me forever to write coherently.

But there is a lot of caring and solid info here. Keep coming back.

Jeff

hi m

oh so familiar I am shocked the church behaved the way they did , but understand you could not work, but to lose your home. we dame near losed ours, my dismissal was contrived

but I now know ,I was not functioning, and I worked in life safety

please get in contact with

http://www.biausa.org/stateoffices.htm

they will help you through this, they will tell you, it is still very early days

keep us posted

mbrook: Great advice here, as always. You will need to find the balance between how much of your anger is justified and how much might be an adrenal-fueld over-reaction. You have every right to be angry at how you lost your job, so don't blame it all on your brain injury.

Vinni is so right...people are afraid of brain injuries because they don't understand them. It makes no sense to someone who hasn't been through it that you would suddenly discover 3 months later that you can't read. Before watching my daughter go through this exact same thing, I have to admit, I would have been suspicious of someone with that story. My compassion for others has grown exponentially as my need to understand has diminished.

You are obviously a person of faith. Don't let the behavior of these people destroy your faith. Remember that things happen for a reason and You WILL learn great and wonderful things through this experience if you keep yourself open to it.

I had to apply for medi-cal and assistance today. I sat in the department of human assistance for hours waiting in lines going from one window to another. I was at full freakout mode and actualy started to cry. I've worked sence I was 16, payed taxes, had a saving account and been a productive voting member of society and now I was sitting next to a man who hadn't bathed in weeks and taked to himself and a woman who was pregnent with her 5th child - her first 4 had been taken away and she had given up custedy.
After many hours I was sent home with more paperwork and no right away help. When I finaly made it to my car I went crazy I was so mad at the people who screwed me over, at the way my life has turned out even though I lived responcible and saved and planed, at myself for not being smart enough to fix it and for filling out paperwork wrong. I threw a screaming cussing fit like a 2 year old. Thank God it was in mt car and not infront of everyone or they would have arrested me for being out of control.

mbrook,

I know how you feel trying to get through the process. The paperwork can be a nightmare. Have you considered applying for Social Security Disability Insurance? The first thing they do is have to apply for SSI income. The Social Security Office may be a bit more supportive. The SSDI application process is slow but the SSI process is much faster to try to prevent people from falling through the cracks, so to say. You sound like you would qualify for SSI. It also gets you out of the overtaxed offices of the State of California.

Regarding the paperwork, I find it helpful to have some blank sheets of paper to cover the page so I only see the few lines I am working on. My brain gets easily overwhelmed by the whole page of blank spaces needing a response.

This does not help with the 'judgment call' answers that quickly get overwhelming.

Have you tried approaching your past employer for 'benevolence fund' help? They also may be able to direct you to someone who can act as your advocate and help you fill out the forms. You really need to find a person to help you. Calif will likely not be much help with finding someone who can assist you due to their budget problems.

Have you tried to get assistance from the Brain Injury Association? Some one else mentioned this too. Here is a link to some resources. http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/j...sp?nodeid=1052

Have you put together a three ring binder to keep papers? It helps immensely to have a way to keep papers ordered. A three hole punch and binder are a necessity for those of us with struggles.

Print out pages like this so you can highlight the most important items. Trying to remember to do these things is problematic and overwhelming.

My best to you.

btw, What part of California are you in? Maybe we can help find more local resources for you.

I am 5 months into pcs. I have anger episodes, sometimes anger days. Sometimes the anger is justified, sometimes I think frustration (from forgetting things, not being able to do things, etc) triggers it, sometimes no real cause. It's been a while since I've had a bad episode in public but the anger is still there very frequently.