[roadrunner63]

Taken from About Traumatic Brain Injury at http://www.bisociety.org/

The intellectual, behavioral, vocational difficulties may often affect present and future life styles and personality behavior of the brain-injured recovering and recovered individual. In most instances, the person you knew, no longer exists. A new person reemerged, a person who is unknown to you and even to them. This person is different and will more than likely never be the person you knew and loved. They are a different person.

[Eowyn]

I have really been struggling with the feeling that I don't know who I am any more. Shifting my lifestyle to accommodate the new me is both difficult and confusing.

[nightnurse30]

I've wanted to be a nurse since i was 5 years old. My whole life has been in preparation for this career. I graduated Boston College as Valedictorian and worked as hard as i did because i knew i wanted to work in the ICU immediately....something that is unheard of with new graduate nurses. But for the past 8 years, i have been working and living my dream as an ICU nurse.

Night shift is perfect for me because i've always had insomnia and i believe at night is when a patient really needs you. they dont have visitors with them, its scary, anxiety ridden, and they need someone to be their surrogate family for the night....and i always believed i was the person they needed during this difficult time.

But here i am, 5 months post-TBI, and just went out of work again due to worsening symptoms. My hospital wont allow 8 hr shifts in the ICU or on the floors. Ive already been informed by neurologist that when she approves me to return to work in 3 months, it will only be for 8 hours shifts part time and during the daytime hours.

This eliminates any possibility of returning to the ICU since we only have 12 hours shifts. Struggling with the possibility of not being able to work in the ICU when i return is so difficult. THis is where i belong, its my dream, its my life. And now, i wont be able to return there for the foreseeable future.

This is my identity. It is who i am. No one understands that. My career has been changed, my life has been changed, and my heart breaks knowing everything i worked for has been altered by my head injury. I dont want to accept it. I will miss taking care of my patients more than anything else.

[musiclover]

I am right here with all of you...finding out what my new normal is seems to be the hardest part of all.

[SmilinEyesMs305]

Nightnurse-

I TOTALLY understand what you are saying about your job!

At the time of my accident, I was doing the job I LOVED and going to grad school to get my Masters and BCBA to work even deeper into my field. I was working in classrooms for children with Autism who had extreme behavioral and emotional problems.

Now, I will admit that I had two minor concussions in the past 3 years due to my job, (neither of which resulted in PCS). However, I feel they have been part of the reason why I'm struggling so hard since the one caused by the car accident.

However, I loved the kids that I worked with, being able to help them make progress. Although it was always a volatile environment, it kept me on my toes, was never boring and gave my life meaning helping these kids make progress and be able to be more independent emotionally and behaviorally.

Now, even if I do experience a full, functional recovery, my fiance and parents are begging me not to return to this line of work, for fear of another concussion and more medical consequences related to future brain damage.

However, I can't imagine not going back to that. It was who I was, it was one of the few things in life that gave me meaning and purpose. Now, as I sit here 7 months later, I don't know who I am any more, what my purpose is, and feel like I"m wasting my life away on my couch/my bed.

The meaning I derived from my job was a result of the direct care work that I did with my clients. If I had to go back to something at a desk, not directly working with kids, it would kill me. So I understand you want to be back in ICU and what it means if you can't.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I too had a similar result when I tried to go back after 3 months. However, I wasn't protected by FMLA so they just fired me when I said I needed more time off.

I don't know what to say to help you or make you feel better, other than I know exactly how you feel about your job and how PCS interferes with what has made your life meaningful.

[nightnurse30]

Smilin eyes....thank you so much for that. It does help knowing someone else understands the frustration and difficulties that come with your career being put on hold. That was my exact fear last week when my doctor put me back out of work....i thought i was gonna get fired. I have no protection from FMLA or any other leave absences because i've been out of work for 6 months this year (3 months was for a back injury and then a month after returning i had the brain injury). My manager said not to worry about my job....but she also knows i cant come back to work there with my hours restriction, so my next move is to talk to employee assistance and ask them to help me find an appropriate fit when i return. Im so sorry that you were fired. That is so awful and scary. You are an amazing person to do what you do....i randomly have a friend who works with the same population of kids as you and also has a brain injury and has been suffering from her issues for 10 years now. It wasnt easy for her, but she did it cuz she loved it. Wishing you the best!!