[greenfrog]

When I was in the acute phase of PCS I temporarily stayed with my family - a bad idea, as it turned out. Both of them have narcissistic tendencies and they were only willing to go so far in helping me (my mother accused me of being "manipulative" when I said that I needed more help). I emailed them a lot of helpful material on concussions, but they didn't bother to read it. My mother would typically turn the conversation around to her own medical issues, like a sore knee or back. Their advice consisted of saying things like, why don't you go outside and get some fresh air, or "my personal trainer says that maybe you need to push through the symptoms."

They did help me find my current specialist, however - I am grateful for this.

While trying to fend for myself, I had a major setback resulting in a new symptom (tinnitus), which I still have. When the stress finally became overwhelming, I packed a bag and left on my own, with great difficulty.

I have gradually improved a lot since then, in no small part because of the unwavering support of my girlfriend and doctor. Ironically, the symptom that has persisted the most is the tinnitus (it's manageable but mildly annoying). I have been keeping my family at arms length since I left (easy enough, since they maintain only half-hearted contact, often to relay news about their lives). I have been off work for seven months.

So, my question is: how do you move on from a traumatizing family experience like this? Part of me wants to forgive them and move on, but I feel that they behaved badly and never acknowledged this. I also don't want to engage them on the subject until I am further along in my recovery, as even talking about it (and maintaining contact with them generally right now) is stressful for me. Would it be appropriate to say something like, "I think it's best if we hold off on the communications while I recover - I am not doing much emailing and telephoning - but perhaps we can meet for coffee when I am doing better?"

[SpaceCadet]

Hmm, that's a tough one. I'm almost 6 months in to my PCS and a little over a month ago I did the same thing - made the decision to come stay at my mom's. Which I'm not sure was a good or bad idea since the stress level here has been not much lower, if not, as stressful as the situation where I was staying before (roommates, girlfriend, kids). My mom is a bit more knowledgeable when it comes to PCS and a bit more caring than anyone at the other place I was staying, since she's done research on it and I am her son. I don't think my mom has ever tried to accuse me of being manipulative directly, but she's said over and over again that she has problems of her own, she can't help me with everything and she starts to go on about how her other 3 kids (my younger siblings that live with her) drain the life out of her as it is, and she has to help them with stuff too. She's turned the conversation around numerously to her medical problems, like you said your mother did. She's said stuff like "well what about me, you kids are gonna drive me to have a stroke. I'm always having chest pains." - so on and so forth.

She's only done a mild amount of research of PCS - so don't feel bad. I know she hasn't read up as much as she should have because she tends to yell and start argument with me, and with the kids when I'm around. It raises my stress level to the max then I start having brain fog problems and anxiety. I keep asking her nicely to stop yelling and to speak in a lower, less stressful tone because she's causing me to have symptoms and she says "that's not true, i'm not the cause of your problems stop blaming it on me.". So I know she hasn't read the part about stress making things worse, otherwise she would know.

Some people just don't understand PCS - mainly because they haven't been through it and they don't know how severe it is. Should you forgive your mom and move on? Of course, that's your mother your talking about. Just make sure you sit down and have a calm, cool, collective conversation with her to let her know how you feel. I think the emailing thing would be a better idea (if she reads it) so that way she can't interrupt you or say or do anything to cause you any stress, she'll have the choice to either read it or not. Just make sure you put in there that you aren't trying to be manipulative, what your feeling and the needs are real. Maybe take one last stab at forwarding her some more links to read up on your condition and ask her nicely to read them so she has a better understanding to what your going through. When I don't want to confront my mom about something that I think is going to turn in to an argument and cause me stress, I text or email her.

Well, i wish you the best of luck.

[bh_pcs]

I say have a good sit down talk with your girlfriend present and maybe even your doctor with your mother. That should put things into perspective.

[tamisue]

that's a toughie. With the exception of one sister, none of my family was "terribly" concerned. My husband and adult daughters of course were and still are helpful, but even they forget the extent of my injuries at times.

I love my family-but there comes a time when you have to cut your losses.
I'm not advocating this in your situation and I'm not saying don't do it. My family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional. For that reason I've limited contact with a lot of them period.

I hope that you are able to come to an understanding with your family. It's not an easy situation and sometimes people just don't want to understand what you are going thru.

[Mark in Idaho]

greenfrog,

After reading your question <how do you move on from a traumatizing family experience like this?> I looked back at some of your early posts.

A 39 year old person who is still struggling with these family issues probably needs to be talking to a counselor/therapist.

Maybe you need some help with establishing some greater self-reliance and independence. I have a younger brother who is just a few years older than you who has similar issues. The more he dwells on these issues as related to his family/parents, the worse he does. As the saying goes, You make the bed you lie in.

When we decide to get the personal strength to stand up, we grow. This is even true for PCS. Whether we blame our PCS or our parents does not make any difference. We still need to move forward.

Maintain minimal guarded contact and get strong enough to address your issues directly if they are brought up. Otherwise, get over the past and move on.

IMHO,

My best to you.

[greenfrog]

Thanks, all, for the responses.