Mark in Idaho,

Thanks for your reply. My struggles include: memory problems, confusion, anger, irritability, fear of people, headaches, anxiety, depression. I was given a global axis functn score of 55, I don't know what that means but will find out today. The three diagnosis' on my med board form are bipolar, anxiety, cognitive and TBI. My ears ring and head hurts most of the time. I am a hermit and stay at home by myself most of the time when I used to be so social and outgoing.

I feel fortunate in that they have let me go to my doctor appointments and do things to try to relax. I go to the docs usually four days out of the week. I tried working in an office two days a week three hours a day. They had me doing real menial work on the computer which was too much. I built my resume in prep for getting out but I feel that is BS. I am not that person anymore. I can't use my degrees or experience as a 15 year supply logistics officer, none of it makes sense. I tried working with the Park Service up in DC but I can't get there on the train or driving. By the time I got there I was exhausted. I asked to be moved to the park. I wouldn't mind picking up trash whatever out there. I loathe being around people. I want to sell all of this stuff that I once thought was important and get a small house in the mountains.

Blah...that was more than you asked for. Oh I am on Depakoke, Lamictal, trazadone, and buspar.

Thanks Mark,
Hilary

That's what happened to me. I'd rather be alone on any given day now than with someone...I used to be pretty much the opposite.

This is a very bad thing to sacrifice your social connections. You may need a smaller circle. To disconnect too much is to sacrifice a piece of your humanity. Yes it may be a small comfort to not face the fear.

But the alternative of not even being able to connect is much, much worse. Once lost it is very difficult to reconnect if at all. Seek help or tell your loved one/s. You don't want to end up with no support, no one to talk to and unable to even love yourself because you can't love others.

Don't go there for must it is a one way trip.

In my case, many of my friends I haven't seen since before my accident, either they have deserted me completely or have sent one or two messages since...not even a phonecall. The rest have gradually stopped calling and coming to see me no reason given. Friends like that aren't what I call friends, especially when I never asked them for support. Ever. I'm just not the same person, they say. Which translates to "I'm only interested in spending time with you of it involves drinking, partying or some sort of exciting activity."

But I'm pretty confident I'll meet other, better friends. I don't want to be a hermit forever.

There are many ways of connecting. I am blessed I can still drive and am fairly independent. I chat up any and every person I meet. Most are to busy to want to talk so they are gone in a flash. Others actually want to talk.

I try to return to my work place at lunch once a week. Make contact with the people I work with. I try to review this forum daily. What I have always really liked is face to face. I like to look someone in the eye when we talk and see what thier eye tell me.

I have been on the far spectrum of disconnection and it is a terrible place to be. I struggle to connect empathetically. There is a lasting doubt in my mind as to wether I can trust those who love me most. Faith gets me thru in the hardest moments, trust in the others.

I know I have pushed people away. I have always been the sort of person to have one or two good friends at a time, now they are gone. One just didn't get it, my injury, the other one started her family and was all about that. I don't have a family or kids so I wasn't in to all of that. We just grew apart. Most of my family is from the United State of California, I say that because they don't really know what is going on across the state line. as a result of rmschaver I did send a text to a cousin. she called me and I didn't answer. Don't even mention dating....don't want any part of that business at this time.

I am giving it all to God. I went yesterday to try to sort out my case with the people that are supposed to know their job but yet again I find more morons that don't know what they are talking about. Yesdterday they told me I was going to get a fraction of disability that I had been told previously. I am having chest pains from the stress of all of this. Turns out, I will be ok in the end.

Have a good day,

Hilary

I know this so well I'm current fighting to get more than £16 per week for food. Some cats get more than that ! I'm so sorry for what you're going through.