My wife's medical team leader and I have been talking about issues related to caregiver burnout and feelings of isolation, profound sadness, loneliness.

I've been told that it would be highly recommended for me to seek other forms of human contact, companionship outside of my marriage just to remain grounded, balanced and healthy.

I have feelings of guilt related to thinking about and trying to follow this advice.

I'm at a point where I am afraid to change and afraid to stay as I am, filled with uncertainty. I love my wife very very much. I don't love her brain injury which has so cruelly stolen the essence of what makes her "her". I miss this very very much!!

And I have waited patiently in hopes that she will return to who she was before.

When I look at her, my feelings are filled with a mixture of love, sorrow, sympathy and a lot of pain. A great deal of pain. Her countenance very often is utterly frozen in some look of horror. Expressionless. Antiseptic. No trace of the warm, cheerful, beautiful lady I felt such a connection to. Or her mind fills with bitterness and rage, and her facial expression follows this.

The warm smile, the humour, the silent, unspoken connection we shared....where has this gone to? Why can't we feel connected or any emotions other than those which her injured grey matter feels?

I feel so torn and I struggle. I've expressed my feelings to my wife in a limited fashion to try to stir some emotion in her, to try to express what it is I am missing out of our relationship. I do not wish to burden or aggravate her, just communicate with her about what I need. Unfortunately this only increases her sense of bitterness and rage. Her level of comprehension in language and thought is still extremely fragile and superficial. There's little or no dimension to her understanding.

Once in a very very rare blue moon, when she is tired and her mind is close to exhaustion, she will tell me "I love you" and that is wonderful and beautiful!!

I feel though that I am not able to withstand very much more of life like this, with every day facing the same unmovable, silent bitterness which has enveloped her daily anguish. A part of me wonders at the cruelty of life, that someone should have to bear such burdens as she bears, and thus affect the lives of all who surround her.

The kids, now teenagers, have enormous difficulty with their mother. They are not able to understand her needs and they cannot bear to communicate to her to any depth because of her tremendous difficulty in basic language comprehension.

I am going to counseling, though the words of a counselor will do little to erase the aspects of my wife's injuries which plague our relationship. I would choose to avoid pills, etc.... for they are a mere substitute for what I truly need and miss - an evenly yoked, balanced and happy marriage and life partnership.

If I had any courage and if my wife were strong enough, I would consider begging her to understand my pain and my feelings and ask her to consider setting me free. But of course it is extremely uncomfortable for me to even consider this notion just on my own, let alone consider asking her to think of such a thing.

Thank you for letting me share.