Did you ever get your vision assessed by a neuro opthamologist? If your eyes don't work together (a common event after brain injury), no amount of anything else will make you feel better. The brain's biggest job is dealing with vision, so if that is messed up, so are you (we) !

Maybe your phone is too small to focus on. Tablet or a computer? May be more relaxing and less demanding.

I listened to Glen Gould play Bach and felt lifted out of brain injury for a moment. Highly recommended!
Hang in there.

Nick,

Hi, guy.

I am sorry you sound so angry. So distraught. So at your wits end. I can feel with you, you pain and anguish.

I cannot identify with you though, as I have followed your plight awhile, and noticed one thing.........you have not slowed down, you have not stopped, you have not trully rested. And, I know you have tried, but you have many many things in your life driving you, especially the little one, and your love of that child.

Mokey has a good point with music though........find something soothing. Get away from that small screen straining, or forget the screen and just use the phone as your connection and get earphones and listen quietly to something soothing.

I personally like Yanni's stuff:

Nostalgia

- or -
-some Bach :

Well Tempered Clavier - Bach

There is much available on You-Tube for a quick quiet time - I don't own a cell-phone so can't explain how you would access or setup a playlist, but relaxing in the dark with earphones and just you is a wonderful cleansing experience.

But, nothing will begin until you actually do REST you BRAIN. Read back thru the threads on Yoga, breathing, etc. find something that helps you cleanse you, and relax............ you won't be worth anything to ANYONE until you do.

Let yourself be happy, let yourself be sad, its ok, its actually expected.

Cry when you need to; laugh when you want to - its really needed.

Live your future, not your past.

Best wishes, guy.

Hug that little person with all your heart.

Thank you everyone. It's hard to take a break and focus on me when I have so many responsibilities. I'm the sole provider for my biological son, my step-son, my girlfriend and one child on the way. I'm supporting them with a measily SSI check that barely covers rent and bills. If it wasn't for my mom helping out every once in awhile with diapers, wipes, etc. we would have fell under by now. I wish I could take one of my checks and disappear for an entire month, but that would mean my kids and girlfriend would be homeless. It's impossible to get any rest in a house full of kids and a pregnant woman who relies on you.

*sigh*

I fear that it's too late for me anyways. It's already been almost 2 years and I haven't REALLY given my brain a chance to heal. I think I'm just stuck where I'm at now.

I'm gonna try the music therapy tomorrow. I will mention the eye doctor thing at my next doctor appt. Ty for the suggestions .

Nick

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear your story but so relieved to find someone who is totally like me. Everything you said I can so relate to. I am to brain damaged to write out my whole story again so look me up under brain patch more info. I am just going for my first neuropsychiatric test soon. Waiting for a call back to tell me when my appt. is. I need to figure out how to get an MRI or cat scan. I know it would show problems. Why is it so hard to just make a dr. Appt? I get so tired trying to make them understand that I just give up and let them think whatever they want which like you said is so wrong. They blame depression, anxiety, PTSD, the medication you have to take. I have a daughter and I am the same as you with your son. It is so sad. I used to be such a great mom. Now she has to tell me what is going on in her life over and over. Thank god she is at least older and in college now. If you want to Be friends I would love to. I am to mentally challenged to try and figure out how to send you a friend request or I would. You are not alone. I have been like this since accident in 2006 . love to you.

brain patch,

Hi there. It sounds like we have a lot of the same struggles. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to send me a PM.

Everyone else....I seriously considered suicide today. What's the point in living if there is no hope for me ever recovering? I can't really do much for my son in this condition and it's only getting worse. I keep sleeping and sleeping, laying in bed, trying to read a book and avoiding stimulation and stress like the plague but still function worse and worse everyday. What the hell could possibly be happening to me? For Christ sakes, I just want a little bit of thought clarity. I don't ever get a moment of peace. Can't remember the last time I had a "symptom free" day. I don't even know what that is.

Might as well just give up.

Please don't. Please consider the little ones in your life.

What if you DO recover some? What if you give up before there's a good day?

Not discounting your despair. Please reach out even if its to a suicide help line.

Suicidal thoughts are so scary and I don't think you should be alone with them.

Find help. If not for yourself, then do it for yourself as a favour to your children. They should never have to live with that awful memory plaguing them their whole life through. The legacy of pain you will leave behind is abusive, my friend. And you are NOT that kind of dad. You love them.

Please reach out. For tangible help.

Wow Nick you have a lot on your plate. I am 50 and do not think I could do what you are trying to do. My struggle with PCS is not nearly as difficult as yours and I am humbled by what you are trying to do. Does your girlfriend understand the affects of PCS and how it relates to you? Is your mother your only familial support? Do you attend any support groups? I know my three year old grand daughter gives me overload and I have to take frequent breaks or get help from my wife and or daughter. It sounds like you may need some daily quiet me time.

You may be what is called a rescuer archetype. Always trying to be there for others and constantly putting yourself last. I know this type as I am one. The problem I faced was when I needed rescuing I did not know how to let anyone else help me. I was still to focused on helping everyone else. Please be careful here as you may very well be sacrificing your own health trying to help everyone else who is special in your life. I get the mental picture of Atlas holding up the world when I think of what your responsibilities are. Please take care of yourself and be sure to let others help you when they can.

I used to be selfless and do more for others than my own self. Until I broke down at the end of 2011 and told everyone that I can no longer help them. It was hard on everyone, including myself, because a lot of people relied on me. My mom needed me to take my sister (who was pregnant at the time) to her doctor appointments, my kids and my girlfriend needed me to run errands for them plus I had my own doctor appointments and errands to run. It became too much and I finally admitted defeat. At first my mom didn't understand but now she does. My girlfriend is BARELY starting to notice I'm not the same person I was and she's somewhat beginning to understand.

You pretty much explained me, how I used to be, when you described how you help others more than yourself.

My mom is the only "familial" support that I have. It's hard for her to help out because she works full time and takes care of my three younger siblings. I have other family out here but I'm not that close to them.

No support groups but I plan on attending one soon. I just have so much trouble organizing my thoughts and expressing how I feel. It would be really hard for me to open up. I'm also overloaded by a room full of people. I will probably try it next month and see what happens.

Thanks to those who gave suggestions on music. After venting on here through this post (and to someone who I will call "mom" through a PM), listening to the suggested music while quietly laying in bed and meditating, I suddenly broke free from my cognitive torture and was able to spend a peaceful hour with my girlfriend and son.

So, thank you all for your support.

Nick

Push through the suicidal thoughts bro. They are lies. Will only make things worse. Go take a nap that is what I do when that hits and I usually wake up in a different frame of mind. love to you. Hang tough. It will pass.

I am sorry you feel this way Nick...This is a hard battle and I know from my experience medication is a must with the intense intrusive thoughts....Like Rio said you are needed very much by your children and loved one's...If you cannot get fast help then go to the hospital and get a behavior assessment with honest feelings...You are young and strong and have to listen to the MDs...I hope you reverse these thoughts and seek help seriously.My prayers are with you