My husband says he doesn't feel like I'm connected to him anymore. I've recovered so much, I'm trying so hard, and this really took me by surprise. He said he's been feeling this way ever since I was pregnant, so the problem is, I'm not sure if this is related to new parenthood or PCS or both. We're going to go to a marriage counselor. I was really blindsided by this. I feel very connected to him and had no idea he was feeling this way. I feel totally confident that we can work through our problems, but I'm a little scared that maybe I haven't recovered as much as I thought, if the PCS symptoms are at the root of the problem. I really feel like my old self though! Why doesn't he feel it too? Or is it just that my daughter is so demanding that I end uP focusing so much on her that I've neglected our relationship? I honestly don't know what to think. Has anyone been through this?

As a husband and father of 3, I think this has more to do with having to share you with your mothering needs. My son-in-law has some of the same 'before kids' ideas.

Hopefully, the counseling will help. The key skills for him to learn is to take some of your duties or load so you can have an evening where everything in the house is done except for baby. Women struggle to connect with and spend connected time with their husbands when they have unfinished tasks to do. He wants you thinking about him but you are thinking, Does the baby need a diaper change? Is the laundry done ? The kitchen is a mess. and about many other household responsibilities.

If this is a distraction to you so you can not devote time to him, mention it to your counselor (hopefully in private before a session) so your counselor can bring it up to him as if it is the counselor's idea. He will receive it better from the counselor than from you.

Fatigue from the day can also get in the way of connecting. This same help with household tasks can help with fatigue. Watch your mail for a ValPak or other marriage mail ( an envelope with many fliers from different companies) for a discount coupon for housecleaning. A single thorough housecleaning can be just the ticket to help you let go for a while to pay attention to him.

Hope this helps.

My best to you.

You asked if anyone has been through this, and I can't say yes because I'm currently trying to figure out my own mess here. So yes and no?

We have some definite new issues since my injury here. Lots of resentment that goes unresolved, stuffing feelings down because I'm having a bad brain day or husband says "we'll talk again when you're in your right mind" (ouch)

The biggest complaint my husband has is that (in his words) I am angry all the time.

I try to show him I'm really not angry but he thinks my tone is always mad. I'm frustrated by things that are out of my control (my symptoms, my slow recovery, and awful treatment by WCB and doctors) and if I speak of these frustrating things my husband just shuts down. He basically is tired of hearing it, and is tired of me being "injured". (Quotations his, not mine)

Five months is forever to him. Because five months after his heart attack, he felt better than he'd felt in years. He simply cannot relate. He asks how I am and he wants to hear me say I'm great, and see a big smile. He doesn't want the truth. Except by the time I figure that out I've already answered "I have a bad headache" and he sighs...

He has said he misses the old me, the one he met. I say I don't think she is coming back and he says, well that's the you I loved, not this version. Ouch!

So I guess I'm here to say you're not alone, and at least in honestly sharing how he feels without really blaming you (I hope) it will open up communication. He is willing to go to counselling and that is huge. Very good sign. Most men I know, would rather chew their own arms off. Mine is one of those.

Not all our moments here are bad so I also don't blame you for not realizing how your husband felt until he shared it. Most of our moments are ok, so if mine wasn't slinging passive aggressive comments all the time I'd truly be clueless. Lol

Mark is totally on the money with new baby syndrome in your husband. It can be a rough time on relationships and added stress of your injury likely didn't help. I guess all I can offer is a hug and a "hang in there"! You're not alone.

For what it is worth, MSRio, I suspect you are still you! I struggle with that question myself, though. We have to dig deep for the answer!

My wife and I went through similar things the lack of sensitivity and empathy then the sudden outbursts of anger. The other problems were the lack of understanding on the injury. I was always perceived to be almost impervious to injury - In the past I had broken my neck and severed fingers but returned to work in a couple of weeks. This time I "bumped" my head and spent all day and most of the night, week after week in an armchair not doing anything - so unlike the "old" me. As my wife says bits of me are still there but not the person she has known for 37 years.

I would say that the head injury made me very inward looking, moody and self centred, I became obsessed about my symptoms and it was all I ever focussed on. I think PCS can do this to some people, and it puts strain on relationships. It isn't easy to be a husband and father when you are unable to function. Now, I realise that I am getting better and with this I am making more of an effort to be the husband and father that I was, I hope I get there.

I am so sorry you both are going through this. My relationship did not survive my injury. I am sorry for the truly hurtful words from your husbands. I wish I had some good advise or a way to make this go away for you but all I can say is I believe you can become better than the person you were before. The focus needs to be on you right now and if no one is going to help you with that then you have yourself. Take care of yourself. Recovery will come and is coming. Things may be different but they should be grateful they still have their wives. Try to ignore hurtful comments and avoid conversations that may bring them up. You don't need the negativity. Avoid it like the plague. Sending my love and support to you both.
Brain hugs for you both.

It does help. I'm having a hard time knowing who to talk to about this. I went to my therapist today, and it was helpful, but then when I brought up going to couples therapy to my husband, he said he wouldn't be able to do it for at least two weeks because he's so busy. It's a complicated situation, but he really is busy, I just don't know how I'm going to live with these issues between us without addressing them. I feel like I'm falling apart. My husband has had bouts of depression in the last five years, and I feel like I've been the one to hold down the fort, but then with PCS, he was the one who had to hold the fort. Now, I don't know that either one of us can. It scares me. I do know that I can be as strong as I need to be for my daughter, but I don't know that I can be as strong as I need to be for my daughter AND my husband.

I haven't been on antidepressants for a while. I went back on them prior to being diagnosed with PCS because I thought maybe my feelings of lethargy had to do with being depressed. After my diagnosis, I really didn't feel like I needed the antidepressants, because what had been getting me down was not knowing what was wrong with me. Now I feel like maybe I should go back on them again. I can handle losing my job, I can handle my husband losing his job, but what I cannot handle is losing the feeling of security I've always had in my relationship with him. Never in our 10 years of marriage have I truly doubted his love for me, that it was as strong as my love for him. That is until now. He says he still loves me and he means it, but I'm just afraid he's falling out of love with me. How do I get him to understand how essential it is that we address these issues now, without pushing him too hard during this time of great stress and turmoil. I'm just afraid our problems are going to spiral out of control if we don't deal with them now.

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles DFayesMom!

You're definitely not alone with marital issues following injury and to have young one(s) that's hard on any relationship, for sure.

My husband and I had issues before my injury, but we were doing ok. We'd been to counseling, worked out many things. He brought a lot of crap with him to the marriage, but it was ok, because I was strong enough for both of us, I carried us through the rough times.

Enter my injury... I'm no longer strong enough to hardly carry myself through the day never mind deal with his crap and obviously the problems are larger than life again. Probably if I wasn't so tired and could find the energy and ability to make plans, I'd just leave. But I can't, so we struggle.

The counselor's words haunt me... Love gets you through the easy times, commitment gets you through the rough times... that remains to be seen.

My husband is so wrapped up in his stupid, made up day to day work problems that are just so important to him, but to me, really do seem stupid in comparison to me dealing with a brain injury, my mother dying and my adult daughter moving out on her own, that some days its all I can do not to want to slap him.

While I understand he's a VP of a large company with hundreds of employees he's responsible for, to me, those problems are just solvable and can be dealt with.

I get that each person's problems are the biggest most important problems in the world... to THAT person... but still... I'm frustrated at his lack of support and understanding... its lead to lots of resentment.

But we trudge ahead... in hopes something will shift, change and grow... or I'll find the energy and ability to move on alone.

But you're definitely not alone.

If he doesn't have time to go to couple's therapy for 2 weeks, that's ok... you can make an appointment and get started without him. Often times the couples therapist likes to meet with each of you separately to begin with anyhow. So go, make the appointment... you'll at least feel like you're making progress and in the mean time, you'll get some support. You don't have to hold the weight of the world alone.

Starr

All I can add is that these problems we are faced with from a brain injury. Or anyone who has faced dementia, Alzheimer's -any kind of problem with their brain deserves a Purple Heart medal. No one can understand how hard it is to deal with your brain not working properly other than other people who have problems with their brain not working properly. I know that all of us would say this is by far the hardest thing we have ever been faced with in our lives. I don't think it can get any harder than what we people who have brain troubles endure. I want you all to know that I admire your courage and the way you have faced this situation. All of you. Really you are strong, wonderful people. Don't forget that!
I hope your spouses realize what strong, great, powerful ladies and men they have in their life. They are lucky to have you.
Love,
Brain